An Orthodox Jew and A Hooker Walk Into A Hotel Lobby…

What do you get when you mix a crimson-locked whore clad in full Catholic schoolgirl regalia, an Orthodox Jew who turned a corner during filming of Fiddler on the Roof and found himself in modern-day Niagara Falls, and a fearless veteran bellman?

Read on and you’ll find out.

OJ:  (Approaching my desk, wearing a full smile and an outfit as black as the ace of spades.)  Hello, my young friend! I require your services to transport my bags to my room! What are you doing anyway?

THE HOOK:  Oh, just pondering my next blog post… (to which I added, under my breath), which I’m sure you’re about to figure into.

It was at that precise moment that the strumpet in question, lost to the outside world, stumbled through the lobby from our guest rooms, definitely worse for the wear. She was of medium height and build with flaming red hair and eyes so sunken they were practically black holes. Her appearance caught our attention and while I am more than accustomed to the sight of a tipsy call girl, my new friend was not.

OJ:  LOOK AT THAT GIRL, MY YOUNG FRIEND!  (His voice was sonic booming but the harlot remained oblivious; her focus was directed at manipulating her phone, no doubt in search of a ride – or some penicillin.)  SEE HOW SHE IS DRESSED! THAT IS AN AFFRONT TO YOUR GOD! YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE HER NIPPLES!

His tone reminded me of the network censor in Scrooged, so I followed suit…

THE HOOK:  Sir, I have a feeling her client, a man named “John”, very much wanted to see her nipples.

OJ:  (Enraged by my dry wit.)  BUT SHE IS WEARING A CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORM!

His voice remained high and was racing, so again, I followed his lead.

THE HOOK:  Well, I’m sure Jesus would have wanted to see her nipples!

OJ:  YOUNG MAN, THE SON OF GOD WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED TO SEE HER NIPPLES!

What the heck did this guy know about the Son of God?

THE HOOK:  The Son of God hooked up with a young lady in the same profession as our friend over there, sir, so I don’t think Jesus had very high standards. Come to think of it, no one could afford to be picky back then, could they? As long as she was free of leprosy, any female was able to have her pick of suitors, I imagine.

My Orthodox guest pondered my logic as his body began to calm; the veins in his neck subsided within a moment or two and his eyes returned to their normal size soon after. The prostitute made her way outside through our revolving door (she actually answered the automated voice that cautions, “PLEASE KEEP MOVING FORWARD. DO NOT TOUCH THE GLASS.”, with a polite and agreeable, “Okay.”), and took up a position against a wall until her ride arrived.

As for my new Jewish friend, I enlisted another bellman to assist him while I attended to other tasks.

 Like this one, for instance.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to An Orthodox Jew and A Hooker Walk Into A Hotel Lobby…

  1. Who knew those hotel bibles would come in handy at some point?

  2. I often wonder why the sight of a nipple turns rational humans into holy roller types. Man alive, God made the nipple why would his kid criticize.

  3. You may find this hard to believe but this conversation is very close to one I had a few years ago with a an Orthodox Jewish Cantor. The only difference was he referred to Jesus as “Rabbi Jesus” and not “The Son of God”.

  4. As always…thanks so much for the laugh!

  5. girlseule says:

    Hahaha I cant believe the things you get away with saying! I have also never understood why female nipples are so much more sinful than the male nips!

  6. Why Hook – underneath it all, and even see-through, you’re really a 21st century apostle. Bless you.

  7. The poor girl is clueless…I mean, lost. Cut her a break. The OJ should learn to keep his voice down. Even I can hear him.

  8. He doesn’t get out much? She obviously does and is even nice to automatic revolving doors.
    Sure this isn’t the start of a super hero movie?
    Great laughs as always! Thanks

  9. You have the best come back and answers ever!

  10. Veronica says:

    That was brilliant, although I’m sure the wife would not always appreciate the quick come backs. And who answers a revolving door anyway?

  11. Twindaddy says:

    Ha! YOUR God wouldn’t approve. Now he’s speaking for other people’s gods? Nice.

    • jaklumen says:

      I was always of the opinion that this was the god of Abraham being referenced: although the Abrahamic religions may disagree (including mine) over the nature of this deity, I personally thought there wasn’t a difference. If Trey Parker and Matt Stone were right and this deity really looked like a cat with bad human teeth claiming to be Buddhist, I’d probably chuckle, and enjoy the divine sense of humor.

  12. Mr Hook…you never disappoint! I’m staying in a hotel myself this evening and found myself “mothering” all the young sales reps who had their own sets of nipples on display. Finally seeing that I was outnumbered, came upstairs and found your witty post waiting for me. I could see the scene, hear his voice and imagine your wry humor all the while. What I wouldn’t give to be a mouse in the corner. Maybe our paths will cross in a lobby some day :-)

  13. Trent Lewin says:

    Is there any chance that the people you write about might be reading you, Hook? I think that would be hilarious.

  14. thehobbler says:

    Reblogged this on Plays Well With Words and commented:
    Just for fun. If you don’t read the Hook’s blog, you should.

  15. God and nipples – an eclectic combo!

  16. This is the second post I read this morning that is begging to be animated. At the very least, you could have included a pic of the Catholic schoolgirl outfit. For atmosphere only, you understand.

  17. Anthony says:

    A Catholic school girl? Mmmm, me though they where only into school boys……?

  18. maurnas says:

    Some men have breasts and I still have to see their nipples. Skin is skin.

  19. Britt says:

    The ladies-of-the-evening you paint so clearly make me sad. And then you make me giggle. Another fun story from the lobby!

  20. Well you knocked it out of the Ball Park again Hook! I was a little nervous at the Title of the post at first!…LOL. What do you mean “The Son Of God wouldn’t know about Nipples”? His dad made them right?….Anywho, have you seen another BellHop Blog lately? I did….you may want to take a peek! Not as funny as You, but there are some awesome photo’s?……LOL.
    http://ibellhop.com

    Great Post! You always aim to please my friend! Say hello 2 the “Fab Girls” for me! Xo
    Hugs & Blessing,*Catherine* :-) :-)

  21. bfg666 says:

    Ha! You gotta love how a jew says “your” god to a catholic when said god is basically the same as his…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s