A Typical Call On A Typical Day.

(Well “typical” in my world, that is.)

He had the motive: His years were advanced, but the fire still burned. He had the opportunity: Specifically, a nimble young strawberry blonde minx splayed across a hotel couch, her nubile young body aching to put the “love” in loveseat. But what the question remained: “Did he have the means?”

SIXTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD GUEST WHO WAS WAAAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE:  (My presence was irrelevant; his shirt was open, his socks were off and his belt was undone.) Hey, buddy, you look like a guy that’s seen a lot. Can I ask you a question?

THE HOOK:  You can call me The Hook, sir. Everyone else does. And yes, you can.

STAN:  (He looked like a “Stan” and besides, “Sixty-Two-Year-Old-Guest-Who-Was-Waaay-Out-Of-His-League”, is a mouthful, right?) Great! My question is, You see the little treat I got waiting for me, right?

THE HOOK:  Yes, she looks quite delectable, sir. (Actually, she looked tasty, but devoid of any nutritional value.) Was that your question, sir?

STAN:  Hell, no! My question is pretty straightforward. Man-to-man, how do I make a twenty-two-year-old raging nympho happy?

THE HOOK:  Get her two or three twenty-two-year-old men. And maybe a twenty-two-year-old female, just for good measure.

STAN:  (Dumbstruck and slack-jawed.) Well that’s pretty bold!

THE HOOK:  Is there any other way to be, sir?

STAN:  (After a moment of pondering.)  Nah, you’re right! Here’s five bucks. Now get lost, ya bold prick!

THE HOOK:  As you wish.

And that, kids, is how a professional, award-winning bellman conducts himself in the modern age.

See you in the lobby, kids…

Aw, what the hell, here’s two more for good measure:

On the Couch

What can I say? I’m a guy through and through.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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49 Responses to A Typical Call On A Typical Day.

  1. djmatticus says:

    Paid for speaking the truth…. We should all be so lucky. ;-)

  2. Jo Bryant says:

    Remind me never to bring a younger man to your hotel Hook. Oh wait. I think I should actually…just to see what you would come up with. But I better make sure I am wearing [what do they call old lady diapers?] those things…you know, cause I am pretty sure whatever you say will have me peeing in my pants with laughter.

  3. Now that’s funny!! Now where’s the pics for your female followers?! lol ;-)

  4. Hilarious. Thanks, Hook!

  5. Oh Hook…. if David Bowie shows up, nab him for me…same for Benedict Cumberbatch.

  6. 'Tis says:

    Oh My! That was YOUR hotel? Thanks for being so bold in your advice.

    Just kidding of course I haven’t been 22 in years. ;)

    xo

  7. ahahahahahahahahha
    Greatness!!! I wish I was that quick witted! That was brilliant :)

  8. I think…. You live an interesting life Robert ;-)

  9. I love your stuff, Hook!
    I’ve been watching for a story from you. And, regarding being “a guy”…it’s all good. You have a fan here who appreciates that in a man :-)
    Thanks for another great story!

  10. Paul says:

    That’s funny Hook! We mostly live our lives under an umbrella of “normal”. When you get right into people’s bedrooms where all pretenses are dropped, the results can be astounding. I used to own/operate my own tractor trailer hauling from Eastern Canada all over the US and then back.

    There was a young woman in Boston where I used to stop regularly, who was always friendly and flirting. I was loaded for Newfoundland (about a week round trip) one day and she wanted to go for a trip with me. I had a high end long-haul tractor with two bunks, refrigerator/freezer, closet, powerful stereo, etc. There was lots of room for another person and I was feeling lonely so I agreed. She was on vacation and didn’t need to be back for 2 weeks. So away we went. Now I was about 25 at the time with a healthy libido, so I wasn’t concerned about any demands she might make.

    Whew! Turns out she was a nymphomaniac, something that I had only ever heard about but thought was an urban legend. Wrong. It was fun at first (remember we had our own bed traveling right along with us) and then it became a chore. It was not possible for her to go more than 3 hours without sex and I had a job to do (as in driving).

    Since this appears to be a PG blog Hook, not an R, I won’t go into details, but when that week was up and I had returned her home, I doubt that I had had more than a few hours sleep on any given night. I was totally worn out and felt so inadequate (imagine being unable to ever satisfy a woman for more than 3 hours) that I hid from dispatch (told them I needed a day off) and slept for almost 18 hours. Needless to say, I never took her for a trip again, I couldn’t handle the feelings of inadequacy.

    So, Hook, I can empathize when you speak about seeing into peoples bedrooms, and I doubt I could ever do your job. Interesting to read though, so carry on! .

    • The Hook says:

      That sounds like a great problem to have, Paul. Of course, I’m sure it was hazardous to operate a big rig while a beautiful insatiable woman is pawing your business. You’re lucky to have survived, buddy!

      Thanks for sharing and for the endless support.

  11. “Devoid of any nutritional value”–ha! I see Scarlett and Scarlett, but who is the other treat?
    Oh, and next time he asks, tell him to cut the Viagra pill in half, swallow one half and crush the other half and snort it. Just, um, something, um, I read somewhere. Of course, always follow the advice of your doctor.

  12. The guy took on a babe and had to ask for directions? How sad is that? In a comedic kind of way. Not!

  13. Trent Lewin says:

    You near ruined it all with the ughness of Scarlett.. I am not a fan. Crike Hook, really? You really said that to a patron? That’s balls, man.

    • The Hook says:

      You’re not a fan? You’re in the minority, but to each his own, Trent.
      As for my balls, they’re as big as they need to be depending on the situation, old buddy. I know how to read people and that’s how I avoid landing my butt in HR – most of the time.

  14. Loved this! It made me smile. Well said! :)

  15. The Cutter says:

    I bet old Stan showed her a thing or two!

  16. Nadia says:

    Hook! I believe there isn’t any awkward, inappropriate or creepy question you can’t nail. You have a GIFT.

  17. Anastasia says:

    Haha! Well played, sir.

  18. Did you really say that? Because that’s a great line! He underpaid you for your sage wisdom.

  19. “Delectable” Elegant phrasing from the award winning bellman for sure.
    You’re right – he had to be “Stan”. You’re great at setting the scene and describing the characters with just a few words.
    Hope the weekend is brings ya smiles (and tips….and more stories to tell)

  20. From what I can tell…these are pretty much way out of everyone league.

  21. girlseule says:

    Love that you said what most people would be thinking and not just what the old guy wanted to hear!

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