Ten Things You Didn’t Know About The Bloggess.

She’s a loving but terrorizing wife (it keeps things fresh), a vigilant but fun-loving mom, a best-selling but far-too humble author, a blogger like no other, and on occasion, an indivudual human being with hopes, dreams, demons, crises and victories.

She is Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, and she has clawed her way to the top of my “Favorite People I’ve Never Met” list by sharing her wisdom and in doing so, helping my progeny achieve her dream. And so this is my way of honoring her act of selflessness at a time when she is overwhelmed with the drudgery of editing her second soon-to-be-ridiculously-popular book.

(And yes, I actually have a “Favorite People I’ve Never Met” list. I also have a “Favorite Girlfriends I’ve Never Actually Dated” list, a “Favorite Reviews of my Book That Haven’t Actually Been Written – Yet” list and a “Favorite Arguments With My Wife That I Won” list. What’s it to you?)

But I digress. I do that. Let’s begin, shall we?

1)  In the beginning, The Bloggess created the heavens, the earth and all that dwells upon within (except for Nazis, she hates those guys), in six days. On the seventh day she rested by watching Doctor Who. She then came upon a realization: In order to fully experience the joys of humanity, she had to dwell among us as an equal. And so she chose a female form.

She soon regretted this action a few weeks into her first month among us…

2)  Her menagerie of stuffed animals is vast and impressive and has been expanded to include critics of her book. (She’s a sweet gal, but you don’t want to see her angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.)

3)  She is this close to replicating the cloning technology used in the sc-fi series, Orphan Black. Her husband, Victor, has no idea what lies ahead…

4)  Translated into binary code, her first book contains the cure fro every human ailment – and a recipe for kick-ass chicken soup.

5)  She is a trendsetter.

6)  Her first book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, (available wherever my book isn’t sold), was originally titled “It Happened. Deal With It, Bitches.” but weak-willed corporate drones nixed the idea. Come to think of it, that’s a pretty good title. Hmm…

7)  She once opened a donut shop that sold the centers of donuts exclusively. Jenny’s Holes was quite popular – until her clientele realized they weren’t walking into a strip club.

8)  Underneath the suburban mom/wife exterior, she is a gangsta at heart.

9)  Jenny was scheduled to take on Hugh Jackman on the latest edition of Celebrity Boxing - until Jackman wimped out. Wolverine squeals like a little girl and Jenny is a hair puller.

10)  Kate Middleton was actually Prince William’s second choice of paramour. I can’t say much more, I’m afraid. (the Queen gets her royal knickers in a knot when family secrets are divulged and I’m a coward.)

And that, my friends, is how I thank people that have done me a good turn. With laughter. Because we could all use a hearty chuckle every once in a while and Jenny is no exception. She has her dark days but she never gives up. She is a shining example of what humanity is capable of when we ignore the voices, both external and otherwise, that urge us to abandon our dreams and instead roll up into a ball and sob uncontrollably.

She is a gifted storyteller. She is a funny chick. She is a friend. She has a great sense of humor.

I hope.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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42 Responses to Ten Things You Didn’t Know About The Bloggess.

  1. That was a brilliant ‘presentation’, Robert. Thank you for the introduction! :-)

    • The Hook says:

      Thank you for the praise, Marina.
      You are a gifted artist in your own right, by the way. I’d kill for your ability to transform color and vision into masterpieces.

      • You transform words and brilliantly composed phrases into images, I am a complete “Neanderthal Ninny” with words [as Dr Zachary Smith would put it!]! ;-)

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    Judging from her gangsta look in that panda bear suit, I wouldn’t tangle with her even if I was bald. Funny stuff, Robert. And I hope your daughter’s book-publishing momentum is continuing forward; she’s a talented writer. It must skip a generation… (try not to step in the sarcasm)

  3. Paul says:

    Thanks Hook – funny post.

  4. Ha haha. Good choice Hook, I love Jenny’s blog!

  5. susielindau says:

    Funny and probably all true!

  6. Eva says:

    Nice piece, Hook.
    But all of your pieces are great. I mean that.

  7. Trent Lewin says:

    That totally sounds like someone worth knowing. Dude, how many places is your book not sold? About the same number of places as mine, I figure.

    Also, how on earth do you know so many cool people? You make me want to go fetal and suck on the end of an empty scotch bottle.

  8. ***It Happened. Deal With It, Bitches.** I dig that.
    And I dig the Bloggess! x

  9. girlseule says:

    Love the panda onsie!

  10. Thanks for the great laugh, Hook! She is awesome – I was given her book at Christmas and it kept me laughing!

  11. …and she secretly wants to be a Panda.
    I bet your shortest list is the “Favourite Arguments With My Wife That I Won” list.

  12. Obviously a gifted writer. (It’s the trendy outfits and stuffed animals…..which come to live at night and whisper things….)
    You know the coolest people, Hook! Always a great read here

  13. thebloggess says:

    YOU’VE EXPOSED MY SECRETS TO THE WORLD.

    • The Hook says:

      That was the plan! It had to be done, Jenny.
      Still friends? Or should I expect an angry mob of followers to storm my castle (house) soon?

  14. singlegirlie says:

    OMG I NEED THAT PANDA SUIT. Jenny is quite simply the queen of blogging, hands-down.

  15. maurnas says:

    Thanks for writing this. I don’t think I could love her more. She is amazing and lovely. And I will go on choosing to believe she really did create the world. That’s more satisfying to me than the whole god thing.

  16. I loved “Let’s Pretend…” It’s a hilarious book (with, apparently, a title that coulda been sooooo much better).

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