Ten Things That Shall Never Come To Pass…

Today, at least.

A few things you should know before we begin:

  1. It’s Sunday, so anything goes.
  2. I’m completely knackered.
  3. The dog has had explosive diarrhea for 48 hours.
  4. The dog sleeps on my bed.
  5. You do the math.

THIS WON’T HAVE ANY ADVERSE EFFECTS ON MY SYSTEM, RIGHT?

Now, on with the show!

Ten Things That Won’t Happen Today.

1)  I’ll write a witty, insightful post that will be Freshly Pressed within seconds of publication and that changes the lives of all those who view it.

2)  After a misspent evening of hunting for tail that ultimately culminated in an act that will never be discussed – until it happens again – a horde of drunken/hungover, sexually frustrated, half-dressed frat boys will behave in a perfectly acceptable manner in the lobby or valet deck while waiting for their car to be delivered.

3)  No one will yell “BINGO!” when a valet driver enters the lobby and shouts out their valet ticket number.

4)  I won’t see a couple dry hump in the following places:

  • A crowded elevator.
  • Service areas.
  • Maintenance floors.
  • In front of my desk.
  • On my desk.
  • On another guest’s car.

5)  A wife will tell me “I actually control all the finances, my husband has nothing on him. Here is twenty dollars for your trouble, young man. I apologize for the behavior of my spawn; I intend to discipline them severely when we return to the trailer park.”

6)  No one will vomit anywhere in the hotel after a night of drunken revelry.

7)  A pack of cougars/swamp donkeys will behave in a calm, respectable manner while I serve them, refusing to make references to my nickname. For example, no one will say “The Hook? Is that because your cock is so big it curves to one side?”

(By the way, that was an actual comment spewed my way last week by a particularly saucy cougar that would put Courteney Cox to shame. yes, my life rules.)

8)  Every guest I serve will retrieve their automobile quickly, mindful of the fact that every minute a bellman spends waiting in a lobby is a minute deducted from the total hours available to him to earn funds to purchase valuable items like laundry detergent, new bedding, or medication guaranteed to improve his pet’s bowel movements.

9)  No one will take their frustrations out on me. For example, if a guest’s life is a complete and epic train wreck that can only be improved by fellating a shotgun, yours truly won’t be held responsible for their poor choices.

10)  I will punch out with a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and a pocketful of cash.

That’s it. I’m done. Pray for me, it’s going to be a long day…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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56 Responses to Ten Things That Shall Never Come To Pass…

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    I hope your day goes well and that a few of those things happen. Hope Chelsea is feeling better, too.

    • The Hook says:

      Chelsea says thank you.
      And by the way, I think you need a 5×5 post to lift your spirits. Let me know if you’re interested. You can provide me with an e-mail address and I’ll shoot 5 questions over to you.

  2. katecrimmins says:

    Poor pup…or is it poor Hook?

  3. Ouch. Peace be with you, my friend.

  4. Oh the responsibilities of having a pet. Hope her tummy problem is corrected. Sleepless nights don’t make for good days especially in your line of work. I feel for you. Still, I wish you a happy Sunday. 8-) Will sunglasses help?

  5. May the tips be plentiful, may the cougars be beautiful, may your pup bind up a bit and may the tips be plentiful! (I may have said that last bit twice but I feel it warrants it.)

  6. Cameron says:

    Your dog, my dog, a crate, the back of a truck bound anywhere but where we are?
    Happy spring?

  7. Steph says:

    You lied, this post was witty and I’m sure is about to change my life. What is a swamp donkey?

  8. joannesisco says:

    Well …. starting off with low expectations, things can only get better from there, right? … Right?!!!
    … and I learned something new today. Swamp donkey. Most interesting.

  9. Paul says:

    Man, I am getting an education here: “swamp donkey”, “fellating a shotgun”. Shweew, I don’t know if my MaMa would approve but, hey, it’s real. We could call the class: “Hook’s Reality Check – what happens when your customers leave their couthness at home” Hope your day improves hook!

  10. If this is your version of “not witty” please warn when one comes. I’ll need to not be drinking anything while reading (at least, in this case, it was just Diet Mountain Dew and it won’t ruin my keyboard).
    You are one clever dude…MORE, please!
    (sorry about your pooch. Mine just barfed on the floor, too. He must have the empathy pukes)

    • The Hook says:

      They have to stick together, I guess.
      Actually, Chelsea has been rushed to the emergency vet clinic; she has starting vomiting. Hopefully she’ll pull through with flying colors. She;s a tough little pooch.

      Sorry about the keyboard.

  11. JackieP says:

    Oh, poor Chelsea! My Sam looks like her except he’s black and white. I feel for you Hook and the Mrs.
    Hope all gets better soon, including the tips…..

  12. What was it like being Freshly Pressed? Was it cool? Or no big deal?

    I know what a cougar is but I had to Google “swamp donkeys.” Wow! That’s harsh.

  13. Angelle says:

    I have been dealing with dog poops with two dogs for about a month.
    Serenity now.

  14. kerbey says:

    And all this time on WP I’ve refrained from using the swamp donkey term for fear of offending them. Harumph! Swamp donkeys usually have biscuit knees and cankles, as well as camel toes or forklift toes, like Mama June on Honey Boo Boo. Forklift toes are rotting diabetic infected toes with gnats flying around them, that smell oddly like festering bacon.

  15. Okay, I think that your day has got to get better for the sake of all of you [Chelsea's included]. Sending you some sunshine to keep the evil and idiots away! :-)

  16. Endless joys of Spring Break…movie never quite match the reality.
    Hoping for some sun and fresh air for you and Chelsea (wait – that that cold front’s coming? Somehow sunlamps and air cleaners just aren’t the same….but we can pretend, right?)

  17. Oh man… Sorry Hooky. And this is why I don’t have pets.

  18. Trent Lewin says:

    Lord, Hook, I don’t know… that seems like a lot to put up with, and I hope it all went well today. Can’t say I didn’t laugh at many of these… and then wince, knowing that you’re obviously going through the mud. Hope your dog is okay.

  19. girlseule says:

    ““The Hook? Is that because your cock is so big it curves to one side?” Good grief I cannot believe someone said that out-loud! I hope for your sake as much as your dogs he or she gets well soon!

  20. Veronica says:

    I should come and talk to you more often, I can get some wicked ideas from here, and an education…and we live in hope.

  21. Poor puppy, Hooky and Hooky’s wife! It sounds rough (or ruff) Can you call in sick tomorrow?

  22. Nadia says:

    I’ve said a prayer. Twice. That said, you’re a man who can handle a lot, even dry humping and trashy cougars… I tried not to laugh, I promise.

    Hope Chelsea gets better soon.

    x

  23. shimoniac says:

    I can’t say that I feel your pain. But I can say that my own dog has just barfed on the floor twice in the last couple of hours. Hope the dogs are feeling better. Hope you’re feeling better soon. :I

  24. Jennifer says:

    And this is the reason we don’t have the dog inside. Hope she feels better soon.
    And I always learn something when I’m here, even if I’m not going to need it ever.

    • The Hook says:

      I live to serve, Jennifer.
      As for Chelsea, she’s seen two vets in two days and appears to be on the path to a full recovery.
      Thank you for the concern.

  25. Oh, dearie my. This is a cry for help. Go to Monster.com, my friend. Go!

  26. maurnas says:

    Laughed my ass off at #7. I have a list of idiotic things I hear every fucking day at my job. Being the only woman makes for a lot of jokes. Ugh.

  27. >The dog has had explosive diarrhea for 48 hours.
    - Oh no! Poor Chelsea!
    +
    >The dog sleeps on my bed.
    - Oh no, poor Chelsea couldn’t even make it to the backyard!
    +
    >You do the math.
    =
    I’ll let JT tie this up:
    “I’m lovin’ it!”

    AndYouThoughtIWasNice

  28. TBM says:

    Poor Chelsea. I know how trying that is since my dog has a delicate stomach. I feel for you. Never thought that about your name before. some people have no manners ;)

  29. THE HOOK- Jackie here, your friend blogger buddy. I just read your book it’s spot on. I think only those that have been “in your shoes” or “in customer service” can relate to your book. I laughed and say things to myself – great book. I hope to get a review up this week. Thanks for sharing a little part of your world with all of us. I just wish I could publish something that good!

    • The Hook says:

      Who are you trying to kid, Jackie?
      You’re a wonderful writer and my first book had its merits, but it was just that: An initial foray into publishing. My second book – if I can ever finish it – will be a vast improvement.
      Thanks for making my week, Jackie!

  30. Your in my thoughts and prayers for a great day……uhm, tomorrow? *grin* (afterall it is a wee bit late) Smile my friend!! :-D

  31. Mich-in-French says:

    You never cease to make me smile despite your day of most ‘uneventful’ happenings. The most colourful life of Hook the most wonderful bellman! I hope it went more smoothly than you imagined and that your dear pooch refrained from sharing so intimately with you lol. And those swamp donkeys – oh boy – hopefully they did not have Shrek in tow… ;)

  32. curvyroads says:

    Well, like many others, I learned a new term in ‘swamp donkey’, and laughed out loud several times. Definitely laughing WITH you…here’s to a better day!

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