Today, at least.
A few things you should know before we begin:
- It’s Sunday, so anything goes.
- I’m completely knackered.
- The dog has had explosive diarrhea for 48 hours.
- The dog sleeps on my bed.
- You do the math.
Now, on with the show!
Ten Things That Won’t Happen Today.
1) I’ll write a witty, insightful post that will be Freshly Pressed within seconds of publication and that changes the lives of all those who view it.
2) After a misspent evening of hunting for tail that ultimately culminated in an act that will never be discussed – until it happens again – a horde of drunken/hungover, sexually frustrated, half-dressed frat boys will behave in a perfectly acceptable manner in the lobby or valet deck while waiting for their car to be delivered.
3) No one will yell “BINGO!” when a valet driver enters the lobby and shouts out their valet ticket number.
4) I won’t see a couple dry hump in the following places:
- A crowded elevator.
- Service areas.
- Maintenance floors.
- In front of my desk.
- On my desk.
- On another guest’s car.
5) A wife will tell me “I actually control all the finances, my husband has nothing on him. Here is twenty dollars for your trouble, young man. I apologize for the behavior of my spawn; I intend to discipline them severely when we return to the trailer park.”
6) No one will vomit anywhere in the hotel after a night of drunken revelry.
7) A pack of cougars/swamp donkeys will behave in a calm, respectable manner while I serve them, refusing to make references to my nickname. For example, no one will say “The Hook? Is that because your cock is so big it curves to one side?”
(By the way, that was an actual comment spewed my way last week by a particularly saucy cougar that would put Courteney Cox to shame. yes, my life rules.)
8) Every guest I serve will retrieve their automobile quickly, mindful of the fact that every minute a bellman spends waiting in a lobby is a minute deducted from the total hours available to him to earn funds to purchase valuable items like laundry detergent, new bedding, or medication guaranteed to improve his pet’s bowel movements.
9) No one will take their frustrations out on me. For example, if a guest’s life is a complete and epic train wreck that can only be improved by fellating a shotgun, yours truly won’t be held responsible for their poor choices.
10) I will punch out with a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and a pocketful of cash.
That’s it. I’m done. Pray for me, it’s going to be a long day…