But read on, The Hook has something to share.
I think it’s time to peer behind the door marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY” and take a look at how things may-or-may-not work in the back of the House, don’t you?
I knew you’d agree. We get along so well.
Hotels, like any large organization, have a seemingly-endless list of protocols to be followed in the event reason or logic are deemed useless. Here then, is a small sample of just how the corporate mindset works, my friends. Bear in mind, (any HR representatives that may be reading this, but most likely aren’t; HR reps know better than to traumatize themselves that way), this is only an example of protocols currently in place in actual establishments.
What To Do In The Event You Receive A Bomb Threat.
Sample Questions to Ask:
(Assuming you just don’t drop the phone and haul ass – which is what I would do.)
1) Where is the bomb right now?
2) What does it look like?
3) Why? (My personal favorite, obviously.)
4) What is your address?
5) What is your name?
When you’re done shaking your head, we’ll continue.
All good? Great.
Another sterling example of how the corporate mind works was on full display last week when my colleagues and I gathered in the bowels of the hotel (it’s every bit as luxurious as it sounds), to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day…
Yes, we were actually served tacos for St. Patrick’s Day. Granted, it was a wonderful gesture – one that repeated itself in every way later in the day – but it boggles the mind. But at least they weren’t green tacos…
Let’s move on to one of those “I can’t believe The Hook hasn’t been fired yet!” moments, shall we?
FEISTY GRANDMA: (On the phone with yours truly, the poor lady.) Yes, can we have a cart brought up to the room?
THE HOOK: Certainly, but bear in mind, miss, the cart come with yours truly.
FG: Oh really!
THE HOOK: Easy there, tiger. You know full well what I mean.
FG: (Still giggling like Jennifer Lawrence on a red carpet.) I sure do! But I don’t think you’d want to hang around here fro twenty minutes while my daughter breastfeeds her baby.
THE HOOK: That depends? Is she hot?
The line went dead.
Or so I thought. Turns out, Feisty Grandma dropped the phone as her body began to convulse with laughter. When she finally returned she was quite grateful, to say the least.
FG: Oh honey, I haven’t shook like that since my husband died ten years ago!
THE HOOK: You’re welcome, but you’re not in a smoking suite, so don’t light up.
Fortunately for me, FG decided to wait until feeding time was over before calling back, by which time I had found another guest to humor to the point of “mini-O”.
And with that slice of surreal pie, our time together has come to an end once more.
See you in the lobby, kids…