“I’m not paying Robert to feel my new $10,000 divorce boobs!”

Is there a downside to having three days off during March Break?

You bet your sweet bippy there is.

Just when I had mellowed out from the onset of Match Break, it was time to be dropped back into the war zone. And so I called upon my energy reserves and rolled out of bed this morning, not exactly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, but ready for battle.

However, it has been a very strange day, one I could never have prepared myself for.

Mr. Wonderful, Kevin O’Leary, has decided to leave Dragon’s Den. Not only has this puzzled me (the spotlight is O’Leary’s crack and even with two additional shows on the air, I can’t understand how he could ever shake this vital aspect of his addiction), but the mystery deepened with the news that fellow Dragon Bruce Croxon will follow Kevin out of the lair when the season ends. Dragons’ Den is can’t-miss-TV in my house and the living room just won’t be the same without my father-in-law screaming, “Look what that bald-headed son of a bitch just did!”, on Wednesday nights.

“WHY IS BRUCE BIGGER THAN ME? YOU’RE DEAD TO ME, HOOK!”

For the record, I’m certain O’Leary has a back-up plan. He’s too valuable an asset for CBC to let go of easily. We’ll see, won’t we?

Oh well, there’s always Shark Tank.

As for the dragons and sharks I’ve been dealing with this week, they haven’t lost their touch in the least. A sweet, blue-haired (literally) old lady I just served couldn’t stop calling me “Howard”… even after she read my name tag.

My first call of the day, an Ivy League frat boy with a Patrick Batemanesque smile, asked me to assist in a final sweep of the room “Just to be sure, you know? I’ve been known to leave things behind in all kinds of places!”, and so I happily acquiesced to his request.

I’ll say it before you can, folks: I should have known better.

I headed right for the closet, slid the door to one side… and came face-to-puzzled-face with Ivy League Bateman’s girlfriend.

Who was shackled, yes, shackled, by the arms and legs and muzzled with a ball gag.

You know, in all my years in the hospitality trenches – as strange as they have been – I’ve never seen an actual ball gag? Isn’t that funny?

But I digress. I tend to do that.

At any rate, turns out Bateman’s girlfriend was actually his girlfriend and not his victim. Although, on the downside, her judgement left much to be desired. I was tempted to bolt  the second I saw the whites of her bloodshot eyes, but I had to be certain of the reality I had walked into. Once I got the lay of the land: They were both morons who thought it would be funny to get one over on the bellman (it wasn’t), I did my job as best I could while shaking my head uncontrollably and cursing fate “Seventeen years doing this job and you start throwing every freak in your universe at me?”

In the end, I took my tip – which, in all honesty, should have included hazard pay – and watched them drive away… after giving them directions which included four left turns, of course.

After that, the day was fairly uneventful… until I met an older lady with young parts, that is.

“I got these in my divorce! You like ‘em, honey?” Her name was Marilyn and she just divorced a Toronto stockbroker who was willing to foot the bill, so to speak, for new breasts. With one condition. “He gets to try them out whenever he likes!”

I’ll never understand people. Ever.

Anyhoo, Marilyn was traveling with a few friends who thought it would be fun to make the bellman blush.

“Give ‘em a feel, sweetie!  They’re awesome! You can see what $10,000 feels like!  Consider it your tip!”

I replied with a detailed account of what my wife would do to me if she became aware of my decision to see just what one can purchase with $10,000 of a stockbroker’s money. Undaunted, one of the ladies offered to team-up with me – and immediately proceeded to grab a hold of Marilyn’s right breast and began squeezing like an old lady in the produce section. However, I refused to have any part of a soft coreCougars Gone Wild” scenario.

That didn’t deter the cougs, I’m afraid.

“Come on, Robert!  We’ll even pay you!  Then you can take the money home to your wife!  Women love money!”

This time, Marilyn wasn’t having any part of the plan.

“I’m not paying Robert to feel my new divorce $10,000 boobs!”

I’d be foolish to try to top that line. See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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77 Responses to “I’m not paying Robert to feel my new $10,000 divorce boobs!”

  1. TJLubrano says:

    Oh my gosh. Just…oh my gosh… :|

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    Alas, I’m wasting so much valuable time here in this newsroom…

  3. Are there any spare jobs going over there Hook?

  4. I have got to either get married or just decide to give up before I get to coug age. Yikes.

  5. JackieP says:

    Full moon Hook? lol

  6. I wish that I thought for even a second that you were making this all up, darling. Unfortunately, I’ve seen people on their worst behaviour. At least your life isn’t boring.

  7. You did have quite the day!
    We were just talking about the announcement about the two bailing from “Dragon’s Den”. O’Leary’s take from “Shark Tank” would far outweigh the Canadian version. If something had to go it would probably be the one he makes less at. As for Bruce…maybe he is following Kevin to “Shark Tank”. I’m sure we will hear some big announcement soon about what the two are up to.

  8. Michael says:

    Now there’s a book title just waiting to happen. :D

  9. thehobbler says:

    There’s just no end to the insanity, is there?

  10. I thought spring break around my community was weird. This takes the cake. (both stories)

  11. The Cutter says:

    I think curiosity would have gotten the best of me. I mean, what DO $10,000 boobs feel like?

  12. Veronica says:

    I wish someone would offer to let me to feel their bits, and no payment would be necessary.

  13. girlseule says:

    This is awesome. First, that crazy couple! There is a reason some things should stay behind closed doors!
    Then the lady with the $10,000 titties! You couldn’t make this stuff up. Love it.

  14. samara says:

    I could see passing up $5000 boobs. But $10,000 boobs? That’s 5 grand a tit! This is why people BECOME bellman. To feel up random cougars post-divorce.

    Wait, exactly what age is a cougar and am I one?
    Is it in fact, even an age, or is it just a deranged sexual self-hellscape?
    Why am I so turned on at the thought of squeezing her boobs?

  15. Eva says:

    I wish I could do your job for a month, Hook — to give you time off to write and to fill my ‘ideas’ folder full of fzcked-up shit. Also, my sister got new boobs for FAR less money.

  16. Chicken says:

    I saw a ball gag on Real Housewives a few weeks ago. Haven’t seen one in real life yet. I’m not hanging out in the right hotel! I have to agree with Marilyn. It’s not nice to try and buy a boob feel. That’s probably not how Marilyn saw it, now that I think it through.

    • The Hook says:

      I’m Marilyn’s new chest is getting PLENTY of attention these days from strangers with vastly different values than yours truly.

  17. Oh no Mr. Wonderful leaving! Ahhhh my show! You’re job is never boring is it?!! Crazy people!

  18. Trent Lewin says:

    Hook, I don’t know… shackled girlfriend in the closet as a practical joke? I can’t tell if you make some of this stuff up, but I respect you way too much to think that it’s anything but true. Which makes it so much stranger… well, here’s to the end of March Break, eh.

  19. Hook, if I just stay really quiet, could I just follow you around for a few shifts. i could be your mini-me. I’ll even help lift and pack the bags, including the luggage.

    BTW, did you see that Funny or Die video I threw over to you the other day?
    Cheers,
    Robyn

    • The Hook says:

      I haven’t checked it out yet, Robyn, but in my defense, I’m pretty busy – and I’m kind of a jerk.

      • I know you’re busy… it was just one of those moments that made me go yeah! Someone gets it, and it had to be Zach Galifianakis. And, don’t make me come over there! Otherwise, in general, you’ll always be forgiven. :)

  20. Jennifer says:

    the downside to days off are always the return to the depths of hell currently known as work, although in your case, maybe the set of some wayward porn movie. And most people wouldn’t pass up the offer of touching up $10K worth of boob, I know I’d be pretty tempted to touch up $10K worth of (male) ass if presented…

  21. Paul says:

    I’m speechless. And that’s rare. You know Hook, it’s almost like they see you as a pet and they are poking you with a stick to see what happens – like a poorly behaving, cruel, small child. I’m a big believer in Karma so I’m sure they will get what is coming to them – although, sadly, they likely won’t recognize that they caused their own problems.

  22. bfg666 says:

    Silicone boobs would be reason enough for me to actually STOP trying them out.

  23. Your posts always brighten my day! It really is unbelievable the things you see in your job! I think yours are my favorite posts to read of anyone I follow!

  24. jlheuer says:

    You won’t have to go see “Fifty Shades of Grey” when it hits the theater, you’ve got all 50 right there. Btw, I think things will just keep getting crazier, it’s St. Patty’s Day weekend.

  25. Tying up a woman an stuffing her into a closet is an awful lot of work just for a bad joke that only the bellman would see. You should have had them arrested.

    I’ve never thought fake boobs looked any good. They always look…I don’t know…FAKE.

    I got hazardous duty pay once when I was in the Coast Guard and worked on a search and rescue team For real! What I did pales in comparison to the dangers you put up with.

  26. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha holy hell that was quite a day! Thanks for the laughs : )

  27. shimoniac says:

    I’m sorry. I’m speechless. I got nothing. If I had your job I think I’d be on crack. 8O

  28. Sharks…some of your guests would make even them choke and run.

  29. TK says:

    $10,000 for fake boobs. It just doesn’t seem worth it to me.

    • bfg666 says:

      Fake boobs aren’t even worth a penny! They leave scars, can be dangerous for the girl if they crack and just look and feel plain wrong: they don’t do all the things us guys enjoy so much, like jiggling and bouncing, all they do is sit there on top of the chest like two sand bags. Also, in certain positions like doggy style, they stretch the boob’s flesh in a really unsexy way.

      LADIES, DON’T RUIN ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING PARTS OF YOUR BODY! If you have small boobs, find yourself a man who likes them for what they are, there’s more of them than you think despite what Playboy will tell you. Going under the knife is in no way an act of love for your man, it’s just stupidity on your part. The one and only interest of silicone is in case of reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy.

  30. I think you just found the title of your next book!

  31. LMAO! Can’t make that stuff uh, eh Robert?? probably a good thing you didn’t take her up on her offer…!

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