You know things are quiet in the hotel biz when…

I start writing about stuff like this.

Yes, my friends, the lobby is as frigid and empty as Kris Jenner’s vayjayjay – again. (That probably should have been the title, right? Oh well, blog and learn.)

Moving on…

On Wednesday, the Canadian Radio-television & Telecommunications Commission issued a broadcast notice (which, to be clear, means absolutely nothing), alleging that several X-rated television channels — included the gay-oriented Maleflixxx — were failing to satisfy their regulator-mandated 35% threshold for Canadian editorial content.

Seriously. This is what Canadians are concerned about. Certain Canadians, at least. In defense of Maleflixx, their station doesn’t include any beaver content whatsoever by design

And yes, Canadians watch television programs that don’t feature men skating back and forth across frozen water while chasing a piece of hard rubber. Certain Canadians, at least.

We also watch Dragons’ Den. That’s basically Shark Tank – but with more unpolished down-to-earth pitchers.

Before you get the wrong idea, it should be noted the day hasn’t been completely without incident.

1)  The oddest couple I’ve seen this week dropped by the Bell Desk to store their plastic bags luggage: He was an African American who was seventy-five-years-rotten and she was a petite Latin mini-bombshell – who was three decades his junior. At least.

2)  I served a family of four which included a toddler whose DNA had been mixed with that of a Tasmanian devil, apparently. The poor mother in question ran around the lobby like a bewildered Justin Bieber with a coherent thought, but to no avail. Her offspring slammed into our revolving glass door three times and she still couldn’t catch her. In desperation, she turned to yours truly to bring the rugrat-on-speed back into her arms. 

THE HOOK:  Do you have a set of keys, miss?

BEWILDERED MOM:  Uh, sure. Why?

THE HOOK:  This is just crazy enough to work. Lift the keys high into the air and shake ‘em like you just don’t care.

You see where I’m going with this, right?

Sure enough, the Mini-Flash (yes, there have been female speedsters) headed for the keys like Rob Ford to a piece of crack.

3)  Old Man Winter’s unrelenting wrath ravaged me as I waited for the Family From Hell to unload their rust bucket and locate their room keys. Once we discovered just which room they were destined to blow their security deposit on, we parted ways before meeting up at the room.

That was the plan, at least.

Twenty minutes later, the Family From Hell was still a no-show. Of course, I was wishing them away to  a corn field after they finally arrived and Mom spent her time attempting to decide which of the two rooms she reserved was crappy enough to pawn off on her mother-in-law. And did I mention she spoke like this?

“Ican’tbelievetheygavemesuchcrappyrooms!Mymother-in-lawisgoingtobepissed!What’swrongwiththepeopleatthefrontdesk?”

But before I could answer…

“I’mgoingtogobackdownstairsanddemandnewrooms!You’regoingtohatemesoon!”

And did I mention the room right next door? Apparently the guests felt the room was too warm. So they used a pair of shoes to prop the door open. And then they had sex.

Fortunately, they wrapped things up before the Family From Hell arrived. Thank God for premature ejaculation.

(Another sentence I thought I’d never type.)

  • In the end, the Family From Hell found a new pair of rooms that satisfied them. Finally.
  • I’m not sure how the Mother-in-law From Hell felt about her accomodations, but who cares, right?
  • The exhibitionists smoked a cigarette. Briefly.
  • I was tipped. poorly.

And that’s about it, kiddies. I’ve been working on something else, but I think I’m going to include it in the never-to-be-finished soon-to-be-finished book rather than the blog.

See you in the lobby, folks…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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88 Responses to You know things are quiet in the hotel biz when…

  1. LauraALord says:

    “Thank God for premature ejaculation.” – – – And that was where I almost pissed myself laughing.

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    In addition to this being a hilarious read, your photo answered my question: Whatever happened to Tori Spelling?

  3. Paul says:

    The CRTC can be so annoying. I’m sure that if they measured content by inches instead of minutes, the Canadian content of Maleflixxx would be well over the requirement.

  4. Michelle says:

    Your job is so much more interesting than mine. I may have mentioned this more than once. I can’t help it… I’m old and medicated.

  5. Jennifer says:

    ah, that woman looks like too many I’ve had the misfortune to come across…do not get in her way!

  6. Be honest…you knew…at some point you would have to type that sentence.

  7. Ihaveoneofthosepeopleinmylifewhotalkslikethatanditisthemostannoyingthingintheworld!!!!!! Some days I wonder how you survive! But I suppose writing about the atrocities that darken the revolving door of your lobby is one way to cope. eh? *grin*
    Thanks for the smile Hookey….. Mwwaahhh! :-*

  8. Veronica says:

    Oh the exhibitionists. Normal people would flick a switch, but that wouldn’t be as much fun now would it? Some people just gotta show the world they have sex, even if it’s badly.

  9. Entertaining as always!
    “The oddest couple I’ve seen this week dropped by the Bell Desk…” – story of your life. ;-)

  10. xdanigirl says:

    I almost burst out laughing in the middle of my office thanks to number three. Thank you for making my day Hook!!

  11. You’d think the last thing you’d want to be with premature ejaculation is an exhibitionist! LOL Oh to spend a day doing your job! ha! For the record, I love The Dragons Den. The world must stop for me when that’s on! Last night it was on and the the world stopped at 6 pm my time.

  12. Daile says:

    Poor Hook – I’m not envious of your hotel adventures even if they do provide wicked blog posts and hilarious commentary!

  13. maurnas says:

    I’ve said “Thank god for premature ejaculation” many times. And I cant say enough how jealous I am of your job.

  14. REDdog says:

    Once again Hook, you’re job provides you with reasons to write things you never thought you would…thanks for sharing, cos sharing’s caring, right?

  15. At least it’s story fodder, darling. That’s what I keep telling myself.

  16. Hey! Who gave you my grad picture?

    I really have to get to that hotel sometime! Funny as usual Hook.

  17. susielindau says:

    Are you sure that isn’t Leanne Shirtliffe wielding that ax???

  18. Peoplewhotalklikethis worry me. They are always trouble. :-D

  19. Lindsay says:

    I didn’t know it, but a post like this is exactly what I needed tonight. Thanks, Hook! I laughed, I cringed…I prayed to the heavens that I may never have a hellion/tasmanian devil child like the aforementioned mother.

  20. One of these days, I just have to check into your hotel and watch you work…no, I mean, do your magic :)

  21. HoaiPhai says:

    I saw that thing about Channel Zero in the National Post. I’m going to drop them a line and suggest that they organize a lingerie* hockey league where each of their three channels could have a team and compete against each other to fulfil the CRTC’s patriotic porn programme.

    * or leather, schoolgirl, Brazilian, nurse, etc.

  22. I think it important to protect content in all forms. These people perform a vital role in something or other. In their minds…..

  23. If it were up to me, then thepeoplewhotalklikethis would’ve been eliminated from this world a long time ago. They annoy the crap out of me!

  24. bardictale says:

    That key trick is useful. Thanks! (Hang in there. Commander Summer is on his way)

  25. dererzahlernc says:

    LOL, really enjoyed the bit about the bewildered mom. Too funny. But you’re right, It works!

  26. I see the Canadian Radio-television & Telecommunications Commission action as an effort to ward off the smother of American culture that seeps across our unchecked border. Not nutty at all. I support their efforts and you should, too.

    What?! No pics of the couple in paragraph 1?! They certainly would have made for an interesting interview/post. Blog fail.

  27. Steph says:

    Oh, I’m sick as hell and I really needed this today. Thanks. Even though I can barely move, I now see that it could be much, MUCH worse.

  28. BroadBlogs says:

    So glad to be relieved of my unfounded stereotypes of Canadians.

    And this one has quite a sense of humor!

  29. djmatticus says:

    As always, thanks for the laughs!

  30. bfg666 says:

    It’s been a few days since I had my last dose of Bieber-bashing. I was on the verge of getting cold turkey when you dropped that nuke. After everything you threw at him, it’s nice to see you can still reinvent new ways of making fun of The Void. Eskimos have more than 40 words for “snow,” you beat them hands down!

  31. Jo Bryant says:

    Vayjayjay…that is so NOT a word that I enjoy seeing, though it did get me here…which was worthwhile as always

  32. These are always good stories Hook! I feel for the poor mom of the Tasmanian devil. I have one of those. They somehow whirl your brain into mush, but we love them so.

  33. Just to be sure: Normal people do visit your hotel once in a while, yes?

  34. elenamusic says:

    Good one with the keys! I can’t believe people!!! It’s really amazing what people think they can or can’t do in public.

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