Some Guys Don’t Even Try…

Then again, they don’t really have to, do they?

This duo stretched my sanity, no doubt about it.

TIM:  Baby, when we get to the room I’m going to fuck you blind!

JENNIFER:  TIM!

TIM:  Fine, Jenny… When we get to the room, I’m going to be on you like Rob Ford on a pork chop coated in crack!

JENNIFER:  We’re in an elevator! The Bellguy is listening!

THE HOOK:  Just pretend I’m not even here.

TIM:  What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator, right?

THE HOOK:  (In a fit of boisterous laughter.)  Oh no! In fact, I have a blog!

BOTH:  Oh…

JENNIFER:  Well, in that case… Let’s give him something top blog about, baby, shall we?

Tim and Jennifer then made the Moronic Beast With Two Backs. In the elevator. Right in front of me.

Fortunately the elevator arrived at its destination before Tim could, shall we say, tenderize Jennifer’s pork chop?

Unfortunately, the elevator doors opened to reveal a family of five Amish folks whose children resembled a trio of evildoers straight out of Children of the Corn.

I couldn’t make this stuff up, kids…

This actually came up when I Googled “stupid people having sex“…

 

By the way, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday the other day. You’re all cooler than bacon-wrapped puppies dipped in rainbows. I mean that.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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118 Responses to Some Guys Don’t Even Try…

  1. o.O

    I . . . will just leave it at this: You are made of stern stuff.

  2. Alan King says:

    Wow! I see how your job feeds your blog posts. Pretty crazy stuff (kind of funny, though)

  3. “children resembled a trio of evildoers straight out of Children of the Corn”

    OK, I was giggling at the scenario (though, I do feel your pain…yep) and then choked on that line. I wonder if any of them were named Mordecai?

    Thank you for this today, my friend. You can say for sure that your blog brought a smile to more than one person today :-)

  4. I wonder if Jen’s pork chop was coated in crack?

    Or was her crack coated in pork chop?

  5. Seems a bit awkward. Did you at least offer to help?

  6. Please, please tell me they asked for the name of your blog!

  7. Veronica says:

    Well good morning to you too. Some people…

  8. I love pork chops!

  9. Jennifer says:

    I’m sorry, I have no idea what comes over me sometimes (oops,excuse the pun), but did you really have to publish that..?
    Never a dull day in your life :-)

  10. Steph says:

    Please tell me I’m misunderstanding this. They had sex. In the elevator. While you were in it.

  11. JackieP says:

    Ah, makes me glad I’m not working in the public anymore. LOL Almost, because it’s great blog fodder if nothing else. Did you at least give pointers?? hahahaha

  12. djmatticus says:

    Thanks for the laughs to head into the weekend. Well, my weekend. I guess some people have to work, but I can’t fathom that actually, so it must be a terrible rumor… a bad joke, if you will. :-P

  13. TJLubrano says:

    I was reading this going all “Ohmygosh. Did they really” and then I went like “OH NO! I missed your birthday!” and I forgot what I read before. Kid you not. Somethings are more important than two weird people in an elevator. :)

    Happy Belated Birthday to you! Hope you had a fabulously magical day, Hook. Big hugs.

  14. Fresh Ginger says:

    it’s not like you didn’t warn them …

  15. I suppose if I asked you if you get paid enough for this, your answer would be NO! A wild guess, that is! :-)

  16. oceanswater says:

    I say “what a job you have…”

  17. Oh. My. Goodness. Shame on people!! Shame shame shame! Lol
    And that meme was hysterical. :)

  18. Jo Bryant says:

    Oh…that’s all I have to say really.

  19. LOVE Jeselnik. He was great at that Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen.
    Some people wanna come as close to exhibitionism as they can without actually showing anything off.

  20. Also – mention the security cameras in the elevator and the habit the security guys have of saving the videos of this kind of thing. Even if it’s not true, it’s hilarious!

  21. bawhahaha! people are down right crazy! I think you need a big fat (pardon the pun) raise! I hope they tipped you well although you may not want to touch anything coming from their hands..

  22. girlseule says:

    Whaaaaaaat oh my god some people have no shame!

  23. jlheuer says:

    Hey Bellguy, no wonder you are never at a loss for words with all that swirling around you.

  24. Eva says:

    I’m laughing so hard right now. I want to do your job so bad!

  25. Love it Hook! And nice touch on the whole “pretend not here…”

  26. “cooler than bacon-wrapped puppies dipped in rainbows”?? Hmmmmm I am having a hard time with THAT visual…could you elaborate?? HA HA HA!! What is that old saying? Truth is stranger than fiction!! I don’t think you could (even though you are very talented writer guy) make that stuff up!!! Have an awesome weekend Hookey! ;-)

  27. Too bad they didn’t get to finish. You could’ve given them a little golf clap at the end.

  28. “Give him something to blog about…” Now anyone thinks they are a song writer.
    Fortunately the Amish kids are familiar with barns and livestock. City animals are so different?
    Good one, Hook

  29. }8-0>

    Sorry, Hook. Couldn’t like, as this might be construed as approval for Timbits and JenniFurLess, may they be blessed with many children (of the corn).

  30. Lily says:

    Aww happy birthday Hook! Sorry I missed it!

    And omg that is an insane and disturbing story!

  31. Pyx says:

    One day my log will have something to say about this.

  32. samara says:

    Wait…so, you’re saying it’s WRONG to have sex in an elevator in front of the bellman?

    Woopsie. Live and learn.

  33. renxkyoko says:

    Belated Happy Birthday, dear Sir ! !

  34. List of X says:

    Wait, are Amish allowed to use elevators? Shouldn’t they have some kind of horse-powered buggies to lift them up the stairs?

  35. Guess I wouldn’t be cooking pork chop tonight.

  36. I was due to have a pork chop for dinner today….gone off the idea now

  37. Nadia says:

    I missed your birthday? WHAAAAT?! Happy belated birthday, Hook!

    And I’m so sorry you had to see that. You really have seen it all now, I’m sure. Hopefully.

  38. Now I know how Rob Ford keeps himself infused with crack. Pork chops. Pork chops has been the answer all along. We need to take away that man’s pork chops.
    I shall never again touch anything in an elevator. Do you have yours steam cleaned daily?

  39. 1jaded1 says:

    Haha! Oh no, I have a blog. So funny! Glad those children didn’t eat you…

  40. I just read a blog yesterday mentioning something about sex being a sport. I don’t know what you put in your cornflakes in the morning, but don’t ever run out. Some people are worse than animals.

  41. 'Tis says:

    LMAO! HaHa! Great visuals in your words.. :)
    xoxo

  42. Some people have no shame, but I suppose it makes good blog fodder! Hope you had a wonderful birthday. I think I wished you a happy one, but just in case happy belated birthday!!! xx

  43. bfg666 says:

    Waitaminnit… One moment the chick is scolding her man for talking sex in front of you and the next she INITIATES the actual sex? WTF?

  44. Wow. Your hotel gets all types, eh? Amish and people screwing in the elevator.

  45. curvyroads says:

    Wow, Hook, you described this so well, I felt like I was there. Oh, ick, going to shower. ;-)

  46. elenamusic says:

    Seriously? Like, really. Seriously??? Did that happen? I just can’t believe it. Nope. Can’t.

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