More Canadian Lily and Lobby Confessions.

Yes, I know “Canadian Lily” sounds like a brand of alcohol, but I was in the zone. Shut up.

If you haven’t read Lily Morgan’s 5×5 installment yet, you’re cheating yourself. Go back and do it – NOW!

 

Lily knocked herself out for yours truly (oddly enough, most women prefer it that way), and while she got 41 “likes” – which rocks, of course – I think she deserves better. Then again, I’m biased.

 

Moving on…

Stuff I’ve already overheard in the lobby today that makes me want to re-evaluate my membership in the human league:

I’m not going to identify the speakers, folks; their words require little context. And besides, we have enough barriers between us; let’s just agree that at times, we’re all dumbasses.

1)  “I’d shake your lovely hand, young lady, but I just hand my penis in my hand.”  (The most disturbing aspect of this sentence? This yahoo was nowhere near the bathroom for fifteen minutes before he met up with friends and their college-age daughter!)

2)  “He wanted to put it ‘there‘, but I made him promise to at least think about getting me a promise ring next year. Oh, and since we ran out of lube we had to call room service for some jam. It was a wild night!” 

Two things: 1)  Thank God young ladies don’t care who is listening while they rummage through their luggage before storing it.  2)  Thank God I hate jam.

3)  “I can’t find my baby boy! (Her “baby” was ten-going-on-serial-killer.) He was running around the lobby and now he’s gone! Do you think the dingo ate my baby?  Ha ha!” (It has to be said: Even dingoes have standards.)

4)  (In a whispery tone.)  “Never. Again.”

5)  (While banging furiously on our brand-spanking-new white elephant revolving door.)  “HELP! I’M TRAPPED IN YOUR DOOR AND I CAN’T GET OUT!” CALL THE COPS! OR ANYONE WITH AN AXE”

6)  “Yo, cracker!  Where the garage? Where my car at?”

7)  (While reading the room bill.)  “Ten bucks for eggs?  You better jerk me off first if you’re going to charge me ten bucks for eggs, motherfucker!”

8)  (After walking into our brand-spanking-new white elephant revolving door while reading the room bill.)  “Son of a bitch! Now I got a sore head and I still paid ten bucks for eggs!”  

Unable to hold back any longer, I was forced to yell out across the empty lobby: “And you still didn’t get jerked off!”  Which led to…

9)  “Yeah! I got a sore head, my bitch already left, I paid ten bucks for eggs and I still didn’t get jerked off! Motherfucker!”  (On the plus side, he laughed a bit while saying all that.)

10)  “Why did we buy all these extra Christmas presents? Our kids are ungrateful, unruly, hyperactive, soul-sucking leeches, anyway!”

11)  “Is everyone ready to go? Hey! Where Pookie at?”  (It’s been far too long since I’ve heard of anyone traveling with a Pookie, I’d almost forgotten how lazy people get when it comes to nicknames.)

12) “There’s a lot of Asians here! Is Niagara the Tokyo of Canada?”

And on that semi-racist note, I think I’m going to head out and return to my duties as a gratuity-slave. Tomorrow is not only The Big Day, it also marks the start of two blissful work-free days for The Hook. I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t feel as Christmasy (yes, that’s a word, I just used it), as I should. I may seem one-dimensional at times, folks, but The Hook has layers.

Oh well, be well, my dear friends.  Each and every one of you rocks and your friendship and support has give me countless minutes of pleasure.

Kidding!

You are the fire that burns in my creative furnace, giving me the power to move on and set back to work on the second installment of my book. “The Bellman Chronicles: Book Two. Now with less suck!“.  Of course, I’ve spent the last two weeks concentrating on 5×5 – in-between being a husband, dad and bellman, that is – but next week I’ll be back at it.

In other news, Sarah’s illustrations for “The Misadventures of Misery” are complete and now we can move into the production phase.  I’d still give just about anything to get Ellen’s attention, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

Overall though, my life is pretty sweet. Here’s why:

  • I have a dream job, designed for a soul who loves to “people watch” – and write.
  • My wife really is my best friend.  I drive her nutty, but she knows I mean well, so we’re good.
  • Sarah is the best daughter anyone could ask for.  (Yes, everyone says that about their kid. But they’re wrong. I have the best kid and I’ll dispatch a Dalek hit squad to the home of anyone who disagrees.)
  • I am protected from the elements by a cozy dwelling. (The furnace died two days ago, but we recovered nicely.) Fortunately, I’m not douchey enough to undervalue the importance of that in a world where millions will be sleeping in the streets tonight in various parts of the planet.
  • I have food in my Canadian belly and a song in my heart.

That’s it for now, folks. Have a Merry Christmas or whatever celebration you observe. (If you worship zombie unicorns, have a happy Pointy Day.)

See you in the lobby…

I WROTE A BOOK.  HERE’S WHAT THE BACK LOOKS LIKE.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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37 Responses to More Canadian Lily and Lobby Confessions.

  1. Merry Christmas!! I hope you get some time away from the idiots!!

  2. Merry Christmas, Hook, Vampire Lover & Sarah, from the Dumbass Dome!

  3. Can always count on a jingle load of reality giggles here. (Dingos! They do have standards)
    Best wishes to you and Vampire Lover, and Sarah. May your holidays be warm, merry, and bright!

  4. Littlesundog says:

    Life IS good, isn’t it? I wish you and your family a wonderful holiday season… and a happy and adventurous 2014!

  5. Omigod I laughed so hard at some of the nonsense you heard this morning. I used to work the front desk at a Holiday Inn and I completely relate to the asshole-ness of people. I had dirt thrown in my face once and a drunk sister of the bride almost punch me because “I” was ruining her sister’s wedding. People are nuts. And holidays/celebrations make them even more nuts. Merry Christmas to you and yours (= ~Dawn

  6. girlseule says:

    Merry Christmas! I don’t know which of these made me laugh more, the lady with her unusual use of jam, or the man who really didn’t want to pay $10 for his eggs!

  7. Aussa Lorens says:

    Jam?! WHAT?!
    You need to do more of these posts… this is just… ruining my dwindling faith in humanity, but… excellent.

  8. Lily says:

    Lol hook! You flatter me!

  9. Jennifer says:

    Merry Christmas Hook to you and yours. May the new year be filled with more wonderful posts and good times with your family.

  10. bardictale says:

    An axe?
    Merry Christmas sir! Have a wonderful time at home with those awesome people you call family^^

  11. Another smile for me at Christmas. I am feeling blessed to have come across your site this year. Merry Christmas Hook, to you and your family..

  12. Daile says:

    I can’t get past using jam as lube… I like to think I’m fairly open minded sexually but that would just be sugary and sticky! Ain’t nobody got time for that!!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family, enjoy your 2 blissful days off.

  13. daniheart21 says:

    Very entertaining. :)

  14. I’m still laughing at #7!! All the best to you in 2014…the public never disappoints.

  15. You bring me pleasure, too, Hook! <3

  16. mj monaghan says:

    Ha ha, it’s been a long time since I’ve been called “cracker.” It’s even funny just typing that. :)

    You’ve got some good ones there, my Hook friend. To many more stories and foibles from your corner of the world! Cheers!

  17. Twindaddy says:

    It’s shameful how shameless these people can be. Luckily you’re there to capture all of this idiocy for our entertainment.

  18. Hook,

    You never know when or how you will get Ellen’s attention. Sometimes in the process of our dreams becoming inevitables, we can’t see what’s happening behind the scenes. Believe.

    Also, I want to go to work with you one day! I still plan on buying your book too…. It’s just that I live in Oregon, my bank lives in tx and being a part-time preschool teacher means my checks aren’t quite big enough for me to want to wait for the shipping process in order for me to be able to use a plastic card…. But, it really is on my “to buy” list. :)

    Hope your Christmas treated you well!
    Lindsey

  19. Hahaha,,,don’t you just love being called a cracker,,lol!
    I’ve been joting down some of the lovely things customer’s talk about in my Wendy’s dining room and thru the drive thru,,to post over at my blog.
    Just have to find the energy to actually type it out,,but man there really is some dumb ass’s out there.
    Glad you had a nice Christmas Hook
    P.S. I just noticed that Kevin from BT left where did he go to?

  20. curvyroads says:

    Hilarious, and sad too. You definitely have a bloggy gold mine there in your lobby! Glad to have found you, though it was after Christmas, so I will say “Happy New Year” instead!

  21. Well Hook, I wish I had seen this prior to the “Big Day” but my power wasn’t on yet when you posted it and when it did come back on there was a mad rush to make Christmas happen. I have considered just forgetting about all the posts I missed but then I read one like this and I know I can’t. I hope your 2 days were everything you wanted them to be. Oh, and yeah, Sarah is the best. No Dalek hit squad for me.

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