This One Starts Out Slow, But Oh, That Ending…

I’ve seen many a wondrous sight over my sixteen years in the hospitality trenches.

And as you well know, gentle readers, I’ve seen things that would not only turn your hair white, but make it recede back into your head, never to be seen again.

However, this morning not only took the cake, it placed it on a rocket bound for Mars with only enough fuel for a one-way trip….

After my usual trek across the desolate Niagara Falls urban landscape in the early hours of the morn, I was feeling simultaneously mellow and tense. Residual joy from a restful slumber served me well – until I arrived at my desk and cast my weary eyes upon five separate sets of rooming lists for five different buses.

Fortunately, I had sixty-minutes to prepare myself for the coming onslaught.

Unfortunately, sixty years wouldn’t have been enough.

After tackling a single bus as a team, the midnight bellman and I split up; he headed for a separate tower, leaving me to handle a small group of Spanish travelers solo. According to the plan, their bags were to be left outside their doors, thus ensuring privacy.

The plan, however, was shot to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks with extreme prejudice.

I was forced to knock on each of the group’s ten doors, after which I was forced to fake my way through a Spanish-English verbal exchange that ended with an awkward smile and a nod. In spite of that obstacle, things went quite well. 

Until…

(You knew this was coming, right?)

I knocked on the door of Room 805. The door opened – slightly. A statuesque Spanish female, wrapped head-to-toe in a series of towels, answered. She giggled hysterically, yet in a very low tone. She allowed me the the bare minimum berth necessary to retrieve a single bag. She then abruptly shouted in Spanish to her male partner in the bathroom, who answered in a similarly pensive tone.

In retrospect, I suppose I can understand how he felt.

I moved away from the doorway to load the first bag on my already-overloaded cart and when I returned, my mind became equally cluttered.

There she stood, my Spanish guest of Amazonian descent, the air of mystery had evaporated slightly and so her figure was visible – as was the inanimate, plastic male appendage strapped to her waist.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

She was wearing two white cotton towels and a strap-on dildo.

Just let the weight of that statement thrust its way into your consciousness for a moment – repeatedly.

What else is there to say, really? I reached for the second bag – slooowly, mind you – and then I got the hell out of Dodge, faster than Justin Bieber if he accidentally walked into a PTA meeting.

Now do you see where my sympathy for her partner springs from? Talk about bending over backwards for your girlfriend… 

And that was my morning in a cracked nutshell.

On the bright side, today is New Comic Book Day! All I have to do is survive the next few hours and delicious nerd victory will be mine…

Soon I will be surrounded by comic book goodness while visiting my two favorite locations here in Niagara Falls:

Be well, my friends. See you in the lobby. I’ll be the bellman slowly banging his head against the wall…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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51 Responses to This One Starts Out Slow, But Oh, That Ending…

  1. Until…

    I may have known *that* was coming, but after that? Whoa, Nellie. Great story, very well told!

  2. Ohhhhhhhhh heavens, I wish I had your job. :)

  3. Hahahaha,,,,classic!!!

  4. Katie says:

    Only here would I let such an image thrust into my subconscious…

  5. evolution says:

    Hahahaha! Now that’s a funny story. Thanks for the laugh.

  6. Just when you think you’re safe…..No one deserves “comic book goodness ” more than you…perhaps to rebuild sanity?

  7. Kevin says:

    Holy cow! What do you tell people when they ask “How was your day at work?” Great little story and I’ll be unable to imagine a bellman as brave as you! BTW, thanks for liking all my totally awesome posts the other day! You torn it up on that like button! Thanks! You are making it into the top three of my followers (right after Cyndi my imaginary staler and my dear old mom).

  8. Jennifer says:

    Once read, it cannot be unread as I splutter and try to think of something better to say.

  9. There is after all much more to endure than muzak…
    LOL on the casual look while the brain is crying out: run feet, run!!! :-)

  10. Sweet dreams! bawhahaha!

  11. Kate is says:

    Wow, I actually said cool, out loud. LOL

  12. Daile says:

    Say what? Oh dear… Nothing like a strap on dildo to brighten your day!

  13. Cathy Ulrich says:

    One of those things you just can’t unsee, Robert. And that in the midst of the bus frenzy!

  14. OMG Hook!! WOW ( shocked one)

  15. joesardesard says:

    Well Ok, different strokes for different folks…but what happened to that cardboard thingy you’re supposed to hang out side your door bearing the Dantesque inscription “please do not disturb” .It has a double function protecting both the inside and the outside world from such embarrassing encounters. As always it is a funny sad story, but what I see through the lines is the lack of respect towards workers struggling to make ends meet and maintain a shred of dignity for themselves and their families. I’m sorry this happened and as up to now nobody has come up with this aspect please accept my apologies on behalf of the (shameless) protagonists of your blog.
    and p.s. have a fabulous day… whatever!

  16. michd74 says:

    “bending over backwards for your girlfriend. ..” PRICELESS. I just spit my water across the room.

  17. joesard says:

    Well Ok, different strokes for different folks…but what happened to that cardboard thingy you’re supposed to hang out side your door bearing the Dantesque inscription “please do not disturb” .It has a double function protecting both the inside and the outside world from such embarrassing encounters. As always it is a funny sad story, but what I see through the lines is the lack of respect towards workers struggling to make ends meet and maintain a shred of dignity for themselves and their families. I’m sorry this happened and as up to now nobody has come up with this aspect please accept my apologies on behalf of the (shameless) protagonists of your blog.
    and p.s. have a fabulous day… whatever!

  18. That’s all kinds of hilarious! Maybe she wanted a three-way! ;)

  19. mindslam says:

    Your right man, what an ending. That is crazy stuff. Sorry I have been gone for so long, but I’m back with a new career & new direction on my blog. My new job is pretty much gonna let me see crazy things like you now. Maybe I can learn to write about it as well as you do.

  20. Does being penetrated by your lady friend with a strap on make one gay or bi or how does that work?

  21. shimoniac says:

    You know, I kinda predicted a lost towel. The strap-on took me wayyy off guard. I’ve now got to find funny pictures of kittens to stop the hemorrhaging in my frontal lobe.

  22. MissFourEyes says:

    The things you see! Haha!
    I want to work in a hotel. Yes.

  23. no words…. I have no words! LOL! I…uh…well….but then there is….NOPE no words!!! *falls off chair*

  24. 1jaded1 says:

    Nothing much else there to say…wow.

  25. The things you see, Robert. It is a wonder you are not blind.

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