Back Where We Started, Here We Go Round Again…

Once again, I find myself in the unenviable position of having to rise and glow dimly as my compatriots remain under the thrall of Morpheus.

I rise from my bed and cast my bloodshot eyes upon my slumbering love. Her pattern remains immutable; she mewls like a babe and attempts to draw me back to her side, to join our forms and return to a blissful state of unbeing. But to do so would be to court disaster, and so I turn away, the creaking of stairs echoing behind me. 

As the blanket of night is slowly burned away by the rising sun once more, my weary limbs propel me ever forward, my destination looming on the horizon like the Dark Tower of King’s universe. Finally, the journey ends, only to evolve into an a series of misadventures specifically selected by Fate for me. Each one has been designed to test my will, my intestinal fortitude, even the depths of my soul.

I will encounter sinners: The drunken philanderer who continually refers to his paid companion by his wife’s name springs to mind. “I thought it was cute at first, but now he does it every time he gets blitzed!”, his plaything coos, her university school bag slung across her heaving bosom, a symbol of the stark contrast that dominates her existence.

Theirs is a long-distance relationship: she is from Fantasy Land and he resides in the halls of Dionysus.

My pickled friend has chosen poorly; discretion is the keystone of an illicit affair but his mistress is the original Chatty Cathy. But with large breasts and a tight butt, of course. As he retrieves his truck from the parking garage we chat and she bares her soul, such as it is.

  • She is a pursuing a higher education and yet, one could argue that she is lacking in common sense. Then again, walking the halls of the ivy league requires big bucks these days, so perhaps she is wiser than most.
  • Her apartment was gutted by flames and so her Sugar Daddy has footed the bill for temporary lodgings and miscellaneous expenses. (Handcuffs and lube don’t grow on trees, folks.

“He’s introducing me to his parents!” she chimes. (How does that work? “Mom and Dad, I’d like you to meet the woman I’m banging on the side!” I imagine his mother saying something to the effect of “The side of what, dear?”)

“His wife is a real bitch!” she continues, prompting me to slip into my patented “Hook don’t play that!” mode.

“Did you expect him to say she was Mother Teresa?”

“What?”

“I mean, no cheater would ever say his spouse was a good person who didn’t deserve to be cheated on, would they? He has to justify his actions, if only to himself. I’m not judging, mind you, but I know how these things work.”

“It doesn’t matter what she’s like. I’m a sure thing, honey.”

“True enough. However, I see you’re a university student, so you have ambition.”

“God gave me this body for a reason. I might as well use it to get what I want. I’m just lucky to have met a guy who’s willing to pay for me to be exclusive, there are a lot of freaks out there!”

“Yes, that certainly appears to have worked out for you. I wish you both luck.”

“A long as I don’t break a hip or get a sore throat, I won’t need luck, sweetheart!”

“I imagine bad knees and a gag reflex would be a problem as well.” her candor allows me to explore the limits of my humor.

“You’re hilarious!” she exclaims between snorts.

Her patron returns, pays me for my services – and discretion, no doubt – and they rumble off into the newly-arrived day, leaving me to my labors.

I will encounter saints: A mother and father who have spent the last year homeless, truly a living nightmare seemingly without end. Together they pulled their family up to begin again, the gift of a modest reprieve in Niagara Falls serving as their reward, donated by their family and friends.

“We’re grateful for the little things now.” mom declares, her eyes weary but filled with hope nonetheless. “Hot showers. Four walls we can call our own and even Kraft Dinner!”

Wills and Kate are building a 21-room brownstone and across the pond, this family of four has been living in one room. When they could find a room, that is.

Has the divide between classes ever been more prominent in our modern age, I wonder?

I will encounter the absurd: A child filled with the power of a thousand suns runs screaming thorough the lobby. He encounters my luggage cart, filled with bags, but is undeterred from his course; he slams his young form into the cart.

The bags yield and some fly through the air.

He climbs over the remaining bags like a howler monkey possessed by the spirit of an Indy driver. On crack.

The dust settles and he continues, his childhood screams echoing through the lobby.

I will encounter the sublime: A woman of superior beauty and grace. A woman of superior beauty and grace who reads comic books and attends conventions. (At this point, I may have seen it all.)

I will encounter all this and more before 8 am: In fact, I have.

All of these events and more I will chronicle and share with the world: And now that I have, I bid you adieu until we meet again.

See you in the lobby…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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80 Responses to Back Where We Started, Here We Go Round Again…

  1. misselletea says:

    Your second paragraph is perfect! It described the morning scene in my house every day, except normally my boyfriend and I give in and stay in bed that little bit longer…

  2. mairedubhtx says:

    Your life is truly amazing!

  3. What an interesting job you have Hook – I’m sure you see more in one day than we would in a week. Great continual blogging material. :-) The Indy driver on crack..sorry cracked me up.

  4. Yours is the perfect job for someone who can observe and draw from what might go unnoticed by others!

  5. Haha,,,I love how you take what you got and make it fun!
    Glad your back!

  6. Katie says:

    A morning that starts with a post from you is always a good day. Sometimes I miss working with customers just for the stories they provide just by existing.

    …Then I come to my senses. You’re a brave soul.

  7. One day, very soon, one of these , most probably Chatty Cathy will read your blog and start charging you for proving fodder :lol:
    you are just the best :)

  8. The stories that Hook can tell!

  9. The Cutter says:

    You have such a good rapport with call girls. Ever considered becoming a pimp on the side?

  10. G says:

    Your perspective that each of these scenarios presents a meaningful test of will is so admirable, there is such a serenity to your writing. Beautiful post!

  11. She’s right you are hilarious.
    You are also a Super Hero right out of a comic book, …”my weary limbs propel me ever forward, my destination looming on the horizon like the Dark Tower of King’s universe. Finally, the journey ends, only to evolve into an a series of misadventures specifically selected by Fate for me. Each one has been designed to test my will, my intestinal fortitude, even the depths of my soul.” This could be the synopsis for the “Bell Man” super hero series. All we need to add is a pair of tights to your uniform.

  12. What I wouldn’t do to spend a few days working along side of The Hook.

    It’s only about 625 miles from where I live to Niagra Falls, ON. . That’s doable. Hell, 625 miles is only 3/4 of the distance across Texas.

    Great stuff as usual, amigo.

  13. MissFourEyes says:

    “The side of what, dear?” Haha! Yeah, I think she’d say something like that too. Great post, Hook.

  14. Kevin says:

    Hook, I love ya! Great post this morning! You got some good laughs today!! Keep up the awesome work!

  15. bardictale says:

    Your writing is unique Hook. And I mean that as a complement^^

  16. TBM says:

    All before 8! Yikes. I only see a cup of tea by that time.

  17. Silk Purse is definitely on the right track….go with a moody graphic novel artist as illustrator (and forget the tights). She quotes an exquisite paragraph. Could really really work – and sell. How much fun would that be ( and might pay for Comic Con in CA…the ultimate author signing slot)

  18. You know those boring jobs where every day is always the same? Well, yours is certainly NOT one of those! Great post.

  19. michd74 says:

    As the blanket of the night slowly burned away…..LOVE that line!! Great post Hook :)

  20. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Robert,
    I so love your writing, your observations of life and the people that you encounter at the hotel. Great post as always.
    Cathy

  21. Jennifer says:

    Witty, a tad cynical, but definitely honest, between your posts and my coffee, a good start to the day :-)

  22. …before 8 huh?!!!!!
    Extraordinary!
    ps somebody get that poor child a tranquilizer!

  23. lidipiri says:

    I love your writing. Literary agents have told me that if they are not “hooked” in the first ten pages they won’t bother to read on. You “hook” us in the first 2 sentences!

  24. GizmoGeodog says:

    “gag reflex”..LOL! so do you have a permanent hole from having to bite your tongue? ;)

  25. 1jaded1 says:

    I love when you explore the limits of your humor!

  26. I had so much fun reading your blog! You must have a great time observing people everyday….what an awesome venue for material!! Thanks for sharing! Love your writing style… :-)

  27. I want to visit your lobby and share some “hostility industry” stories!!

  28. YOU GOT 60 Comments on this Blog Post!! WOW……MAN…I think I need to go to *COMEDY* School!!….LOL….I have to tell you….me and my friend BOTH were reading your post, it got so Funny, my husband came out to listen….ONCE he heard about the HOOKER!!….LOL…Another Great Post!! You made me LAUGH AGAIN!….and my pal…and my husband….which takes some doing, so be PROUD!! Blessings & Hugs!! Catherine :-) :-)

  29. shimoniac says:

    Your posts continually reaffirm why I chose a job in manufacturing rather than customer service or hospitality. I’d last two to three hours tops then I’d snap and tell the customers what I really think. Safer by far to read your blog and shake my head at the freak parade that is life in a hotel.

  30. You are such a talented writer, Hook. I really love reading you!!! I totally saw that screaming howler monkey child run into that cart! I hope you will write forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever… (you get it, right?)

  31. Now when my co-worler says “this only happens here” I can reply with a very confident “No, I know of another land where crazy runs rampant.” This was great! I’m glad my monkey on crack is now grown…I had chills thinking about the luggage cart.

  32. Always nice to read of your doings, Hook!

  33. jlheuer says:

    Your world is a busy place before 8, my eyes are just cracking open when yours have been opened to a lot more than you might actually want to see.

  34. renxkyoko says:

    Ha ha What happened to you. You ‘re waxing lyrical ! ! ! Dionyseus and Morpheus, indeed. I love it !

  35. HoaiPhai says:

    Hope the young college student isn’t studying anything that will put her in the position to compete with me on the job market… something tells me she’d “interview” much better than I ever could..

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