Fun With Top Ten Lists and Philosophy.

After exploring the darkness that hides in the shadows cast by the bright neon lights of my hometown, I’ve decided to explore the dark humor generated by the many colorful characters that cross the threshold of my home away from home.

Our target today?

The anything-but-humble working girl who puts the “service” in service industry. Trust me, many of these young ladies are fully aware of the power they wield over their clients.

  • Sex sells and so advertisers use it to full effect to sell everything. (Check out this European Sprite commercial and prepare to lift your jaw back up off the floor.)
  • Normal, otherwise perfectly well-adjusted individuals will throw caution to the wind and sacrifice pretty much everything of value for sex. 
  • Men have gone to war over sex – on every scale imaginable.

And so, armed with this knowledge, working girls will use what their mamas gave ‘em and get paid, as Chris Rock used to say. Unfortunately, some of these young ladies burn out rather quickly and so consumers shopping in this field must educate themselves when it comes to distinguishing quality from skankiness.

Here are a few things top look for when shopping for a paid companion.

(And yes, I know hookers are people too, and should be treated with respect, but this is written in the spirit of fun, folks. So enjoy!)

Top Ten Signs Your Hooker is Low-Grade.

1)  She shows up with a walker and an oxygen tank.

2)  Instead of a hummer, she offers you a gummer.

3)  She breaks a hip getting undressed.

4)  Her Adam’s apple and abs are bigger than yours.

5)  For her, “food play” means she eats a bucket of chicken during coitus. 

6)  She’s so ugly, you tie her up and leave the room – for good.

7)  You pay her extra to stay dressed.

8)  She has a glass eye, a hook and a service dog.

9)  She doesn’t have a husky voice, she has labored breathing that resembles a female coal miner giving birth.

10)  She’s so fat, sex with her counts as a ménage à trois.

Top Ten Signs Your Family Vacation is Going To Suck.

1)  You’re forced to bring Grandma along – even though she died last week.

2)  Even your GPS says “You’re going where?” when you input a destination.

3)  Your destination’s state flag features vultures feasting on carrion.

4)  When you arrive at your hotel, the first thing you see is a sign that reads, “Now With Indoor Plumbing!”

5)  Your father brings his girlfriend along.  (To make matters worse, your parents aren’t even separated.)

6)  Dad, ever the cheapo, rents a Volkswagen – for your family of six.

7)  Your parents decide you should spend some time with Aunt Cathy at her farm. Unfortunately, the only thing Aunt Cathy produces at her farm these days is meth…

8)  The family’s “European Getaway” turns out to be two weeks in Russia – in December.

9)  Your mother brings her girlfriend along.

10)  Mom decides the family should take part in the “Fifty Shades of Grey Experience” in Las Vegas.

That’s all I have for you for now; today is a day that will live in infamy – in my little corner of the world, that is – as the hotel plays host to the wedding of the owner’s granddaughter and her beloved.

The hysteria level has reached zombie apocalypse proportions, as dozens of employees race around like proverbial headless chickens, desperate to dot every i and cross every t. Of course, you know blips will materialize on the radar and bumps will appear in the road, because that’s how life – and especially marriage – works.

The trick – and this applies to everyone involved in a wedding – is to look for the humor in every situation and to never forget that weddings are joyous, wonderful occasions that should serve to remind us of the beauty of love and life, even though the work and tension involved would drive the Pope to bungee jump off a bridge naked after snorting a line of coke off a hooker’s naked form.

And with that bit of philosophy, I bid you farewell, my good friends.

Enjoy your Saturday, folks.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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52 Responses to Fun With Top Ten Lists and Philosophy.

  1. OMG! You had me rolling on the floor in fits of laughter with #2 on your call-girls list. Brilliz!

  2. mairedubhtx says:

    You are really on a roll today!

  3. Love your sense of humor. You had me rolling with these two lists.

  4. Diane C says:

    Number 10 on your holiday list had me giggling. Back in the 80s, my very prudish Mom rented the movie Caligula for her and my dad to watch because she thought it was about Roman history. :D

  5. Lucia Maya says:

    Hi, as a relatively new reader of yours, I’ve enjoyed a few of your posts, but this one I find offensive and sad. Humor about prostitutes is fine, however deprecating humor about women’s ugliness, weight and aging I don’t find funny.

    We have such self-judgement as women and girls, and to add to it in this way does not serve anyone. Our daughters get the message in so many ways, subtle and glaring, that if they aren’t thin (dangerously so, often), aren’t youthful, don’t fit some impossibly photo-shopped image, they aren’t beautiful. This blog post simply perpetuates this.

    Best, Lucia

    http://www.LuminousBlue5.com {writing}

    Sent from my iPhone

  6. Reading a Hook post is a guarantee that at least one part of my Saturday will rule.

  7. Simply frickin’ fabulous, Hook!
    Some marriages are great, but I’ve never yet enjoyed a wedding.

  8. Kayjai says:

    Well…always good to have useful tips in your pocket…or somewhere. Thanks for the giggle…

  9. bfg666 says:

    Holy mackerel! My jaw dropped so hard on the floor that I needed a jack to pull it back up! I’ve seen some very daring commercials before (usually british) but this one is on a whole new level. Thanks for the link, I think I’m gonna pass it around.

  10. Jennifer says:

    Love that sprite ad. Raised a few eyebrows at work I can tell you. But when your son has shared it you know it’s not going to be clean.
    Maybe I need more coffee, not so funny this morning Hook.

  11. >(And yes, I know hookers are people too, and should be treated with respect, but this is written in the spirit of fun, folks. So enjoy!)
    – Whaaa..? Why that disclaimer, Hook? We know THAT, and we know YOU.

    Oh, yeah. You gotta whole loada new readers now because recently, you …. you …

    GOT FRESHLY PRESSED!

    Eeep. Some of us are still a little ‘woo hoo’ *index finger going around in circles at my temple* for you and your family, Hook. :-)

    >Unfortunately, the only thing Aunt Cathy produces at her farm these days is meth…
    – That’s a problem? ;-)

    >today is a day that will live in infamy – in my little corner of the world, that is – as the hotel plays host to the wedding of the owner’s granddaughter and her beloved.
    – Oooh, the stories you’ll have for us. :-)

    Kate

    • The Hook says:

      As I write this, Kate, the wedding is over and to be honest, I was relegated to the fringes for this one. But not to worry, there are always stories to share…
      By the way, thanks for the continued support.

  12. giselzitrone says:

    Viel Humor ist gut zu lesen.Lieber Gruß und eine schöne sonnige Woche Gislinde

  13. MishaBurnett says:

    I just had a great idea! Another author I know is looking for ways to boost the visibility of his new book. Well, nothing boosts sales like a good scandal. Your unique position in the hospitality industry would allow you an unprecedented opportunity to sell manufactured scandals.

    For a small honorarium, you could arrange for authors to be found in compromising positions with ladies of questionable virtue. You provide access to the ladies and call the tabloids and, Boo-Ya! Instant best seller!

    Just make sure to send me my cut.

  14. Two great lists…although I would know nothing of the first one. I’m pretty sure I recognize a few of the second one.
    I hope no one got fired because of any wedding bloopers.

    • The Hook says:

      Funny you should mention that, Michelle!
      To be honest, everyone survived, but I’l be sharing a story next week about an event that could only happen to yours truly….

  15. Jo Bryant says:

    thanks for the smiles Hook

  16. Hope the wedding sparkled. No doubt it was high drama, and expectations. Sure the entire Hotel company shined brightly (and is glad it’s over)

  17. TBM says:

    Oh goodness this did make me smile and got a few chuckles. I won’t admit to which ones.

  18. The hip snap would definitely worry me.

  19. You have some kind of magic, Hook. How do you get so many comments? How do you win such approval? You may not even know. But I’ve got to say, it’s a gift.
    The “hooker list” didn’t make me laugh but I wasn’t offended. Perhaps I’m too used to my sex being drawn and quartered. (Drawn and quartered? That sounds as if I was offended.) But not really. I know you offered the list in good fun, and it’s not more outrageous than a list of bad hotel guests. Without free speech, we only move backward. The politically correct police make it illegal to talk or think clearly, whether in fun or all seriousness.
    But if I refer even lightly to cultural traits or describe someone that includes his or her nationality, I’m booted out off the thread.
    Hope I’m not blocked here, because same as you, I’m just saying….

    • The Hook says:

      I appreciate and value your input, Kathleen. I was surprised by the reaction some folks had to these lists, but diversity and freedom speech is what blogging is all about, so I’m sure many of my followers will agree to disagree with my humor. This time.
      Again, thanks for stopping by and weighing in.

  20. What would we do without your wise advice on how to hire a hooker! Of course, working for an older persons’ organisation, hookers that come with a walker are probably in high demand among some of our clientele.

  21. Hope you had a nice weekend and the wedding went off without too much trouble!

    Funny post as always, definitely agree that you’ve gotta see the funny side of things :)

    Thanks for sharing!

    Rohan.

  22. OH MY!!….I needed this Humor Today!……..I love #10 2nd list…..MOM decides the family take in the experience of *The Fifty Shades of Grey* in Las Vegas!! GOOD ONE!! Just a fantastic Post….Thanks for giving a few giggles and a SMILE! *Catherine*

  23. HoaiPhai says:

    Eww… “service dog”!

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