An Open Letter To Ellen DeGeneres

Dearest Ellen,

Hello. How are you? That’s great to hear, seriously. Listen, I know you’ve got a full plate in front of you right now (Okay, maybe not literally; you don’t look like you eat that much, to be honest. However, I stand by the statement.), especially considering how many challenges you have to deal with right now.

• Voicing animated fish is no mean feat. (How do they record your voice underwater anyway?)
• Arranging for Sofía Vergara to be “accidentally” deported so you can be the reigning CoverGirl has to be a lot of work.
• Teaching millions of people to dance like no one is watching while hosting a kick-butt talk show must be exhausting. And sweaty, no doubt.

Normally I use this forum to write about my life as a bellman in Niagara Falls, but today I want to write to you from my heart.

I’ve been married to the love of my life for eighteen years.

I make a comfortable living serving the public in a place that offers me new possibilities every single day. The phrase “Never a dull moment” appears to have been designed specifically for my life.

I’ve had my writing published on some great websites and I’ve even published a book.

But my greatest joy, the one accomplishment I’m most proud of, has nothing to do with fame, fortune or personal milestones. Being a father has challenged me in ways I could never imagined, but it has also made me realize what love is truly all about.

When you love someone with every fiber of your being, the quest for their happiness directs you to places you never knew existed. When you’re a parent you want to see your children realize their dreams, regardless of the cost.

My 14-year-old daughter is an old soul, possessed of more compassion and wisdom than most of the adults I’ve ever met. She genuinely cares about the state of the world, especially the plight of children and animals. Sarah is the type of kid every parent wishes their child would be.

She is also a brilliant writer whose greatest wish is to see her series, The Misadventures of Misery, in print after years of scribbling in notebooks and typing away at her computer in her room.

• A young girl owns a bookstore in New York City.
  
• Her best friend is nicknamed Misery because of her perpetual bad luck.
• A visit to Misery’s hometown results in the revelation that her relatives are all supernatural beings.
• Soon the girl and her best friend realize everyone is different, therefore, everyone fits in.
• The adventures continue from there, with the possibilities being endless.

While other kids are tearing each other down on Facebook, Sarah is giving life to her characters.

While other kids are following feuding celebrities on Twitter, Sarah is placing her creations in unbelievably hilarious predicaments.

While her mother and I have been wrestling with a breast cancer scare (My wife is fine so far, by the way. She needs to be eternally vigilant when it comes to testing, but she’s coping very well. Moms do that.), Sarah has feigned ignorance and gone about her business, proving once and for all who the true genius in the family is.

Sarah has been bullied at school most of her life and while her mother and I have come to her defense every time, no one can really help a child get over the hurt that comes from feeling utterly alone in a crowd of her peers. Isolation is a cancer in our souls, one that is incurable in many cases.

Sarah has set many goals for her life, chief among them is attracting the attention of one of her idols.

Would you care to guess who that is?

Her eyes light up at the dinner table as she recounts the hilarious details of your latest show – at first I thought it was my wife’s cooking or a sugar-high, but Sarah really loves your show that much – and I love to see the enthusiasm in her voice as she talks about the everyday people whose lives you change by introducing them to the world.

It may be a long shot to say the least, but I want to make another child’s eyes light up when they see my daughter talking about her work on your show. Every person you feature on your show, Ellen, inspires another viewer to pursue their dreams, to never give up. You make people believe that a guardian angel is around the corner, waiting to help them get through life’s many challenges.

Parents want to move mountains for their children – you know what? I’ve never understood that phrase; why would a child want a mountain moved in the first place? Is this child a would-be super villain?

But I digress.

You’d like Sarah, Ellen. She views the world with the same child-like sense of wonder that guides your actions. Personally, I hope she never grows up; the world could use more people that remember how glorious it is to be a kid. Children see the world the way it should be. Sarah doesn’t look at you and see someone who is married to another woman; she sees a talk show host that, like her, loves dogs and genuinely cares about making people smile.

I hope I’ve convinced you to give Sarah a few moments of your time, Ellen. You won’t regret it, I promise.

And if any of my followers are so inclined and wish to put in a good word for my daughter, you can contact Ellen DeGeneres here. 

Her Twitter account – with more than 20,371,987 followers – can be accessed here.

Or if you feel like reblogging this post, please know that you’ll have my eternal gratitude and an open invitation to ask me for a favor of your choice. That’s a $50 value, folks.

I leave you now with an image of my daughter’s pride and joy. This should appeal to you as well, Ellen…

Be well, everyone.

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