I’m Invoking Kelly Oxford in This Title Because She’s Huge On Twitter And This Will Draw Attention There.

 (I’m a sneaky devil, aren’t I?)

A BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT:  I’ve been nominated in the Badass Blogger Awards . The Indie Chicks have a kick-ass site worth checking out. Vote for me and I’ll be your best friend. That’s a $50 value, folks.

And now, on with the show…

Riddle me this, kids: When is a blogger not a blogger?

When his thoughts are scattered like Justin Bieber’s fragile psyche, that’s when. At the moment I’m simply a guy staring at a blank notebook (My posts begin as scribbles poured from my brain into a weathered notebook while hunched over a desk in the Bell Room, which fortunately for a lifelong comic book fan/nerd like me, resembles the Batcave), praying to the blogging gods (i.e. Le Clown) for inspiration.

The Hook’s world remains immutable, something I’m actually grateful for. After all, there’s something to be said for continuity. Robert Hookey’s world, however, is another matter entirely. I’m holding my breath at the moment and while I wouldn’t normally divulge such info in this forum, my personal trials have begun to impact my professional performance, the blogging aspect of it, at least. 

My days have been filled with the usual hi-jinks and shenanigans, but I find myself in the unusual position of bystander rather than chronicler or participant. Normally, a person would turn to a trained medical professional for assistance in such matters. However, since I am poor, don’t smoke, drink alcohol, or take recreational drugs – or for that matter, have any time to watch a film or video of the adult variety – I shall turn to my old standby, writing, and charge full steam ahead, guns ablazin’, as they say.

It should be noted that The Hook has only held an actual firearm once in his life and he did not care for it, but unfortunately the Jehovah’s Witnesses refused to leave my porch before attempting to save my soul…

Last Monday was a tribute to the Gods of Chaos, as the tourist season unofficially began in Niagara Falls. Unfortunately for many of my compatriots in the hospitality industry the term “tourist season” does not allow one to brandish a weapon and track down actual tourists, whose heads you may then mount and display on your wall, as The Bloggess does with animals. Nevertheless, I still took the time to terrorize my guests whenever the opportunity presented itself.

And it certainly did when the phone rang for the hundredth time during the height of the check-out period, affectionately referred to as “Unhappy Hour” by many of us.

GUEST WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE: Yes, I’ve been waiting thirty minutes for a bellman. I know you’re busy, but the wait is killing me! What can I do?

THE HOOK: (In a calm, clear voice reminiscent of a wise, older uncle or a 911 operator.) A bellman is on his way to you now, sir. As for your current dilemma, the solution is simple: go over to the alarm clock, which should be located next to the lamp on the nightstand between the beds.

GWHNIWHATE: (Hanging on my every word.) Okay, I’m here! What do I do now?

THE HOOK: What does the clock read, sir?

GWHNIWHATE: It says 10:45.

THE HOOK: All right, everything hinges on this next part, so listen closely. What I need you to do is set the clock back one half-hour…

It took him a moment, but to his credit, he followed my instructions to the letter,  proclaimed “I’ve got it!”, and then read out the revised time display.

Then the phone was silent for a moment before he quietly said “Hey, wait a minuuute…”

As I expected/hoped, he began to laugh raucously before shouting to his wife, “Hey honey! The bellman made an ass out of me! Can you believe it?” She did, by the way.

THE HOOK: To be fair, sir, it was a team effort.

AND NOW, TIME FOR A LIST!

Top Ten Things I’ve Learned As A Bellman.

1)  You can wear business attire over a schoolgirl outfit without anyone noticing.  And no, I wasn’t the one who actually pulled this off. I had you going for a moment though, didn’t I?

2)  Financial institutions do not accept “Thank you” as payment on a mortgage.  Of course, that doesn’t stop people from tipping me with such sentiments…

3)  It always pays to take the high road. For those of you who are really confused right now, let me explain: I may speak out when faced with challenging guests, but I never deviate from the basic rules I use to live my life. I bend but I never break.

4)  Never dip your pen in company ink.  I’ve seen grown men reduced to blithering infants after engaging in such behavior. Trust me, it isn’t pretty. Keep work and play separated and you’ll live a longer, more prosperous life. The thrill of an office romance is overrated anyway. 

5)  What happens in Vegas never actually stays in Vegas.  People always assume they can get away with murder while vacationing – I blame The Hangover movies – but nothing could be further from the truth. Hotel employees do indeed respect their guests’ privacy, but in this day and age of camera phones, Facebook, etc., you have more to worry about from the person staring at you in the lobby whom you don’t recognize (but who recognizes you) than you do from The Hook.

6)  Never, ever, let a stranger handcuff you to a hotel bed, draw a fake mustache on you, cover you in whip cream and roses, and take your picture – which will then be e-mailed to all your contacts, including your mom.  “But why, Hook?” you ask? Two reasons: A) I don’t want to have to walk in on you – even if you are female and hot, and B) it’s just plain stupid. And believe it or not, this has happened more than once, including the whip cream and mustache aspect. 

7)  Hookers are people too.  Yes, they have sex with people for money, but they’re all lonely little girls at heart. They just wear too much make-up, ridiculously tight clothing and curse a lot.

8)  Expect the unexpected and nothing will surprise you – ever.  Believe me when I tell you, I’ve seen everything. And yet, I know I haven’t seen anything yet…

9)  Simply because a person appears to be human doesn’t mean they have a soul.  I’ve met people on both sides of the hospitality fence that are capable of great acts of inhumanity.  I’ve encountered, gamblers, cheats, thieves, wife-beaters, killers, liars, dealers in all forms of contraband and virtually every form of sinner on the planet.  But I still believe in the concept of a healthy, productive, civilized society – on paper, at least.

10)  People are capable of ANYTHING.  Period.

That’s all for now, folks. Be good to yourselves, all right? After all, you deserve it, don’t you?

BECAUSE SHE’S TOO GOOD NOT TO PLUG…

Yes, the wife is going kick my ass for that word play, but here’s the latest offering from Becca Cord: 

Flyte
me

So I quit my day job. Today is my last day of work, and I am flying out Friday to vacation in Michigan through Memorial Day. I am here today to simply assure you, I will be coming back HAM on the blog and BeccaTube upon my return. It’s going to get hard core in here. And I’m not even talking porn.

But in the mean time, I have two favors to ask:

1. Y’all trooped up and got me nominated for the Badass Blogger Awards in TWO categories (Funniest Blogger and Funniest Vlogger). Su-weet. Now the voting phase is in full effect. So this is my “Becca for President” plea. If you enjoy my humor, I would appreciate your vote. BUT, I also have to say, there are a couple of other bloggers I respect who are also nominated for the Funniest Blogger category, so I want to support votes for them too. Also, if you don’t vote for TJ in her categories then I…. I…. I will do something really bad. I seriously admire her drive and passion for the art she creates.

Seriously though, regardless of who you are voting for, the important thing is that you do it! Click here meow. Voting ends May 31st.

READ MORE HERE:

It's Nerdrific!

It’s Nerdrific!

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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44 Responses to I’m Invoking Kelly Oxford in This Title Because She’s Huge On Twitter And This Will Draw Attention There.

  1. twindaddy says:

    Making asses of people is so much fun.

  2. Well done on the nomination. Just cast my vote for you.

  3. The Cutter says:

    That is awesome. Glad the guy had a sense of humor about it.

  4. Lady Lovely says:

    Once again, you’ve made me laugh with this one! But I remembered to put my coffee down first! Oh and number 8 is always how I live my life, especially at work. It’s a good motto, plus that way, I never find myself disappointed either.

  5. Congratulations on being nominated in the Badass Blogger Awards! What category?

  6. Katie says:

    Boy, you aren’t kidding about the fake moustache, whipped cream, and roses. Lesson learned.

  7. All that was needed was Cher singing “If I could turn back time….”
    Great list!
    (Popped over to vote – a stellar bunch as competition – Remind everyone to vote….often….frequently)

  8. Pyx says:

    I have the strange desire to have a ‘hook’ button to go along side my ‘are you on the list’ button.
    You rock on many levels!

  9. Gotta say, you did get me Hooked. Spent a mercifully short few years running a lodge in a resort town. Your insights are dead on. And funny as hell.
    Not only do you deserve the award nomination but you’re up there for some variety of congressional medal of courage.
    Loved this post!

  10. List of X says:

    You should have ended the first part of the post with “I’m The Hook and I approve this message”

  11. You are now officially my best friend…you can keep the 50 bucks.
    I do hope the personal trials start to calm down. I’m a firm believer that things should not be so hard when it comes to personal trials. Personally I think the scattered thoughts and blank notebook are sure signs you are a blogger. Bloggers look at things differently. Anything can tweak an,”oh, I could write about that”. My friends and family always live in fear when something happens…”Oh crap, she’s going to write about this!” Even the worse of moments you think about how you can make an entertaining story out of it. In my books you are one of the best at that.

  12. mairedubhtx says:

    I headed to the Indie Chicks and was faced with a horrible dilemma–to vote for The Hook, The Book of Terrible, or Becca! But the Hook won out! You list once again boggles my mind. Especially the one about the handcuffing and the whipped cream. Oh My!

  13. munchow says:

    I love your relative approach to time. You must be the next Einstein. At least next time I am late for a meeting I am going to ask everybody to turn their clock back. Ingeniously! By the way, just send me the 50 bucks. No need to fuzz about it. Hope you win!

  14. giselzitrone says:

    Wünsche dir ein schönes glückliches weekend lieber Hook und alles gute von mir:Lieber Gruß von mir Gislinde

  15. Voted for ya ;) Wow, the 30 minutes thing had me cracking up lol1

    Rohan.

  16. MissFourEyes says:

    You have my vote!
    #6 is excellent advice. It’ll be a good day when I can say that to someone. “Bye! Take care, drive safe, and don’t let a stranger handcuff you to a hotel bed and draw a fake mustache on you!”

  17. Just voted for you. I still mean to buy your first book and review it at Comics Grinder.

  18. Diane C says:

    Voted for you! (and nominated you!). A comment on your method of getting rid of Jehovah’s Witness proselytizers. An ex boyfriend of mine had a very effective way of finally getting rid of them after they had targetted his house and had been visiting him consistently for a month. He answered the door stark naked and then invited them in to talk about the Lord. They never came back. True story.

  19. oh dear, poor person with the whipped cream. I feel for her. Them. Will vote!

  20. TBM says:

    I didn’t know Hookers cursed a lot. I learn so much from you.

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