HOOK’S NOTE: I’m busy tackling domestic chores right now, so enjoy this comedic offering from a blogger with real talent and moxie (Not to mention girl parts. Girl parts rule!), Becca.
How many rips of duct tape does it take Becca to start breaking shit? Not many. Two to be exact. I am finally back in action (or getting there) after my unenthused absence from all things virtual (okay, maybe not Twitter) which was forced by the joys of moving. But, be assured that I was thinking of my followers the whole time. See proof below.
CLICK HERE TO ENJOY THE WORK OF THE MARY TYLER MOORE OF OUR TIME, BECCA CORD.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: May 9 is fast approaching – like a horde of Beliebers on Red Bull – so put a few pennies away for Leanne Shirtliffe’s first literary offering…
I can’t stress enough how cool Leanne is, folks.
Click here for her latest post and I guarantee you may need medical attention afterwards.
(But please direct any legal action at the Ironic Mom herself; I’m not footing the bill for a lawyer!)
And before you go, here is an abridged version of a guide to marriage that will be gracing my second book. (Assuming I finish it and convince a publisher to take a chance on a blogger/bellman from Niagara Falls, that is.)
TEN INGREDIENTS FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.
(Bear in mind, when I say “successful” I’m referring to a marriage that lasts. I can’t guarantee you’ll lose the urge to fellate a shotgun every night, but you’ll still be married.)
1) ACCEPTANCE. You’re going to screw up. Your partner is going to tell you that you screwed up. Deal with it.
2) CONFLICT. People fight. Period. As long as firearms or other weaponry remain out of the mix, you’ll last longer. Couples that don’t fight are doomed.
3) CURIOSITY. I’m not suggesting you seek out other people. (I see enough of that at the hotel.) You have to be willing to explore the mystery that is your partner. You may not like what you discover, but it works both ways: your past is most liklely a train wreck as well. But boredom springs from repetition, so keep the search going or suffer the consequences.
4) A HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE. I know you’re either giggling or rolling your eyes, but believe me when I say this: If you fail to keep that mattress ablaze, your partner will cheat. Do you hear me? KEEP YOUR PASSION ALIVE OR SOONER OR LATER, ONE OF YOU WILL WIND UP AT A HOTEL LIKE MINE WITH SOMEONE NEW AND AFTER YOU’VE BOUNCED OFF THE MATTRESS A FEW TIMES, THE GUILT WILL SINK IN. TRUST ME.
5) HONESTY. This is key, especially in the boudoir. I’m not suggesting you spill every secret, or share every random thought that scrolls crosses your brain box, but you can’t assume your spouse has telepathic powers. Tell them what you want, feel and desire.
6) COURAGE. Marriage is tough. Any idiot – even a Kardashian – can coast on the good times, but when things get dicey, only someone who truly loves their spouse can dig deep and summon the intestinal fortitude it takes to weather the inevitable storms life throws at us. I once knew a guy who married an ex-stripper; this gal took a layer of skin off his manhood with every encounter, but when she got cancer and spent her nights hunched over the toilet vomiting, he bailed. So man up.
7) BRAVERY. Trust me, this isn’t the same as courage. Far from it, in fact. It takes courage to share the parenting load, the domestic chore load, the home finance load. One partner shouldn’t have to shoulder the many responsibilities life requires of us, and yet that’s how it is in most marriages. Be different. Be brave.
8) FUN! Never forget to have fun. If I have to elaborate you won’t get it. So I won’t.
9) GOOD HEALTH. (This is something yours truly is currently wrestling with.) A steady diet of Whoppers, Red Bull and Krispy Kreme donuts will put a strain on your union as well as your ticker. You can’t put your heart and soul into a marriage if you can’t climb a set of stairs without turning blue.
10) SOBRIETY. Scoff if you like, but in my 43 years on this planet I have yet to see alcohol have a positive effect on a marriage. Have you ever watched an episode of Mad Men? Those crazy bastards – females included – are always drinking and smoking, and their lives suck! Drink in moderation if you like, but never lose track of the perils of alcohol.
And with that, I just became every crazy aunt I ever had; they always had a sermon about that “demon in a bottle” at the ready, and yet, you couldn’t light a match near their breath…
That’s all for now, my friends. I still have a lengthy list of chores to deal with, so I’m not sure if I’ll be online tomorrow. Enjoy the remains of the day and have a super New Comic Book Day Wednesday!