A Double Dose of Top Ten Madness From The Hook.

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO OVERHEAR WHILE CHECKING IN AT A HOTEL.

1)  “Have all the dead hookers been removed from room 401?”

2)  “Have all the live hookers been removed from the parking garage?”

3)  “Has anyone found those Porsche parts yet?”

4)  “The squirrels and cats have been delivered to the kitchen!”

5)  “Maintenance wants to know what the “H” and “C” on the taps stand for.”

6)  “We almost have all the blood out of 301.”

7)  “Did we ever find out where those extra elevator parts belong?”

8)  “Wanda from Housekeeping got into the peyote again.”

9)  “The police tell us they have Reese Witherspoon cornered in the garage. They’re bringing in SWAT to take her down.”

10)  “Has The Hook shown up for work yet?”

Do you want another?

TEN SIGNS YOUR FIRST DAY AS A NIAGARA FALLS BELLMAN DIDN’T GO AS PLANNED.

1)  You get rejected by a pack of cougars.

2)  Upon entering a room of college co-eds, you rip your uniform off and say “How about a ride on this cart, girls?”

3)  You refer to a senior guest as a “tyrannosaurus douchebag”.

4)  No one wants to purchase your “Falls Adventure Tour” package.  (Especially when they realize it consists of your crazy uncle driving people around in his station wagon.)

5)  You deliver luggage to Japanese tourists while dressed in a Godzilla costume.

6)  The pop star Pink checks in and while delivering her bags, you grab your crotch and ask her if she wants “Check out this adventure package!”

7)  You tell a guest “Sadly, my bank doesn’t accept ‘Thank You’s as payment on my mortgage, jackass!”

8)  Instead of saying “Thank you, I hope to see you again.”, you say “Lose our number, you sanctimonious, impotent douche-nozzle!”

9)  You hit Russell Crowe with a phone.

10)  When your shift ends, security not only escorts you out of the building, they drive you to the city limits.

June is around the corner, folks – in my mind at least – so here is another plug for what is sure to the kick-ass event of The Hook’s summer…

It's Nerdrific!

BUT WAIT!  THERE’S MORE!

May 9 is fast approaching – like a horde of Beliebers on Red Bull – so put a few pennies away for Leanne Shirtliffe’s first literary offering…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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63 Responses to A Double Dose of Top Ten Madness From The Hook.

  1. xdanigirl says:

    Oh. My. Gosh! I face palmed on number five on the first list.
    Also please tell me list number two didn’t actually happen…

  2. Added to the Top Ten: You do not want to hear a drunk Redneck say: “Hey, Y’all! Watch this!”

  3. #2 and #6 sounds like the morning after Super Bowl or the Basketball championships?
    The “Falls Adventure Tour” might be great for parents needing a place for the kids for a bit? Uncle could wear seasonal costumes (Hotels get so stuffy about kids being “hotel room alone”?)

  4. MissTiffany says:

    I laughed out loud while reading this and now my manager wants to know what’s so funny…

  5. Pyx says:

    You are just making me Canada that much more!

  6. Katie says:

    The spare elevator parts are no laughing matter.

  7. The Cutter says:

    I thought Japanese people liked Godzilla. They’d probably think it was nice.

  8. denmother says:

    Hook, as a cougar representative, #1 on your second list will never or should have never happened to you. We can smell a star from miles away. And we always assume they’re loaded. And looking for some sweet love – cougar style.
    Denmother

  9. rebecca2000 says:

    LOL I am sure you all see more blood than you care to.

  10. Hey, Hook! I have one to add to each of your lists :)
    List #1 — “The pool is closed until further notice.”
    List #2 — A homeless man who swears he’s Michael Jackson takes up residence on your bell cart and refuses to move until you give him a room because “I’m Michael Jackson, goddammit! You know I’m good for it!”

    • The Hook says:

      Nice! Feel free to guest post anytime you like, you talented soul!

      • It’s only been a couple of years, but I have blocked out a lot of my downtown-convention-hotel memories. I like to read your blog to remind me of those wonderful times…

        Thank you, Hook! What a nice think to say :) If I ever think of enough substantial content to resemble a post, I’ll let you know (but your compliment totally made my day! Thanks :))

      • The Hook says:

        You’re more than welcome!

  11. elenamusic says:

    Godzilla costume is brilliant. Just walk around in that with a cowboy hat on top. Probably will get you out of a lot of work related issues and you might get more tips from taking pictures with the kids. Win/win!

  12. “you sanctimonious, impotent douche-nozzle!”

    That’s classic.

  13. "HE WHO" says:

    See you at Comic Con.

  14. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Hotel humor. Until now, I didn’t know that it existed, but it is very funny!

    • The Hook says:

      My life is a walk through Wonderland, Cathy. Every. Single. day.

      • Cathy Ulrich says:

        And you’re great at recounting it! Your book is on my list to read when and if I ever finish “Team of Rivals.” It’s a wonderful book (about Lincoln, just in case you didn’t know), but it’s loooong!

  15. It must have been a pretty good week already.

  16. loiswstern says:

    You give me a good chuckle, and that too is good for the soul!

  17. Japanese tourists and Godzilla, classic!!

  18. Poor old Reese – just imagine if she nicked those elevator parts…….

  19. You refer to a senior guest as a “tyrannosaurus douchebag” – I may have to “borrow” this!!

  20. mairedubhtx says:

    Two lists of ten in a day! Your mind must be working overtime, Robert! Poor Reese. Will she ever live down her run-in with the police this week? When did she turn into such a jerk?

  21. Hit Russel Crowe with a phone lol, I bet Russel would hit back too. I saw him back stage at a Billy Bragg gig my dad was playing once, he was pretty nuts. He still had is golden locks of Master and Commander hair had might have had just a bit too much to drink.

    Also who needs cats and squirrels when you’ve got all those dead hookers? Yummy!!

    Rohan.

  22. I bet those last 10 things are all things you at one time or another would have like to have said or done. Of course you wouldn’t. You are The Hook.

  23. eva626 says:

    LOOOL this was hilarious! “what do the H and C stand for?” haha so funny

  24. Diane C says:

    I soooooooooooooo wanna come to your hotel – and I’m bringin’ my camera! LOL

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