You’re Not Getting A Title… I’m Blocked.

I appear to be horribly blocked.

Not blocked as in “I shouldn’t have ate that entire block of cheese”, but blocked as in “I’m a hack writer whose first book was fun to write but painful to promote and now I can’t get out of my own way to write a second one”.

My consciousness is filled with random paragraphs that hover within sight of my mind’s eye but remain out of reach; they taunt me with the possibilities they represent.

Writer’s block? Hell no! I have writer’s MOUNTAIN.

I had a conversation with a colleague recently who was certain he stumbled upon the underlying problem with my attempts to succeed at the writing biz.

“I’ve got it all figured out, Hook,” he was beaming as he revealed his revelation “You’d be golden if you had a vagina.”

I was confused, but as always, that didn’t stand in my way “A vagina is always useful, its true, but how exactly would having one help me in this particular situation?”

“Look at all the lady writers out there who are bloggers like you. There’s that Bloggess chick, -“

“Her name is Jenny Lawson -“

I’m not writing a book, Hook…”

“Okay, sorry.”

“And there this Kelly Oxford broad I just read about. The point is, women are the ones who tweet, read blogs and buy crap like Fifty Shades of Whatever. So you need to convince the ladies of your worth and you’ll be golden, buddy!”

So there you have it.

Once again, my penis gets in the way.

Then again, I’m not so sure my colleague is as wise as he claims to be.

He was terminated the next day.

Welcome to my life.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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72 Responses to You’re Not Getting A Title… I’m Blocked.

  1. renxkyoko says:

    Ahahahaha ! Funny !

  2. Brother Jon says:

    Some of the best things I “write” don’t ever make it to paper, or computer screen. I often think of these wonderful paragraphs while driving, working or performing certain duties in the bathroom. When I go to sit down and write I think…….uh…..duh…..which way did that thought go?

    Does this mean we will see a new theme? Perhaps the Hooker…or maybe something totally different because that seems like a horrible idea.

  3. “The Penis: The 11th Finger” There’s a book in there somewhere.

  4. Combat Babe says:

    Love this. May you move mountains soon. Lame, I know. I’ve been out of the biz for a bit. Forgive me.

  5. Tom Dye says:

    The reason that Kerouac went On the Road was that he thought it would help him get past his writer’s block. Maybe you don’t need lady parts after all to be a writer, just take a road trip.

  6. It is probably not true but I read somewhere that Kristen Stewart’s boobs have shrunk because there is a clause in her relationship with Robert Pattinson that he has to be the biggest tit at all times.

  7. List of X says:

    So you got a penis block… Oh well, happens to the best of us.

  8. Tom Merriman says:

    Hook, I suppose it’s true then that blocks take on many forms.

  9. jlheuer says:

    Our pants just fit better, I don’t think it has anything to do with your writing.

  10. Whoredinary says:

    Well, you’re welcome to borrow my lady bits Hook, I’m not using them. And I think ‘The Hooker’ is a fine moniker!

  11. JackieP says:

    I’m not sure you can blame your penis on this, unless of course it writes for you. Hmmm maybe it should?? Just saying, that 50 shades of whatever I think was written by an over active vagina, so why not a penis?? ;-)

  12. Ink Pastries says:

    I took my first book (which I did on Createspace) off the market. That lit a fire under my ass. Oh, wait, I might not write a second one. It seems God is telling me to write a musical now. That, to me, seems more fun!

  13. Ink Pastries says:

    P.S. nothing Meta-mucil can’t cure, meaning Meta-hook. Take a step back and take a big look at yourself, the Hoooooook. See. I’m writing a musical about you now!

  14. Ink Pastries says:

    One more P.S. – I’ve heard that the first 600 pages you write of anything prose you should just throw in the trash. If we apply that to our lives as writers, that rule probably could mean the first few books we publish. Or anything we write for the first half of our life. But, of course, that would not apply to Harper Lee, now would it. : ) You will be alright, Hook.

  15. rebecca2000 says:

    Writer’s block is the worst. You should write about cheese. Cheese always wins.

      • Bob Lee says:

        Who Moved My Cheese? lol … (only if you read this one. rebecca’s ‘write’ because the cheese is always being moved and if you can’t figure out where the cheese went you have to go on an adventure to find the cheese and then you’ll be asking yourself if your hem or haw or sniff or scurry … but in any event – you will enter the maze with your idea and maybe see the handwriting on the walls and then The Hook (dah duh dahhhh) will move mountains with bacon and cheese … damn — i’m getting hungry. sorry about that – just went on a mental vacation – you’ve got it covered Hookster … :)

  16. Bwahaha. Always blaming the third leg.

  17. Honie Briggs says:

    I don’t have a penis, but I was thinking of writing The Penis Diaries: Misfire Mondays and Other Memorable Moments. Titles are much easier for me than actual writing. I’ve been around the “block” a time or two myself. If it makes you feel better, I just purchased The Bellman Chronicles.

  18. I let my wife keep the vagina, while I kept the penis and it’s worked out well for us so far.

  19. Diane C says:

    Maybe you should give yourself a pseudonym for the new book. How about The Happy Hooker. Oh wait….that one’s taken. ;)

  20. He sounds like a keeper! Shame he is no more.

  21. mairedubhtx says:

    Your co-worker is correct in one sense. You’ve already convinced your fellow female bloggers of your worth. We all adore you, Robert. You know that. I have your book and eagerly await your second whenever you get over writer’s mountain. I’m just now reading Jenny Lawson’s book. She is a hoot! She is a Texan, of course. I can relate. But having lived in Niagara Falls (the American side), I can also relate to your blog. Touristy is touristy. Keep up the good work. I love to read of your adventures.

  22. Katie says:

    Well Hook, I have a vagina, and I have absolutely nothing figured out. I wouldn’t even know where to BEGIN writing a book, so you’re still far ahead of me.

  23. I’m with Katie on this one. I also have the lady parts and fall prey to writers block far too often.
    Most of the people I read are men not women.
    Perhaps there should be some kind of universal switch for a bit to see what happens. All the ladies get man bits and and all the men folk get lady parts. It would be interesting to see what creative content we get.

  24. Cameron says:

    Just keep writing. Even if it blows. Seriously. It’s all you can do some days to type out, “This happened then this happened and it was funny cause it’s true.” After a while, the mountain erodes and you can come back to the awful run-on sentence and make it shine.

    I should write for Hallmark’s “Happy Writer’s Block” line, huh?

  25. Jo Bryant says:

    A lot of famous writers have first books that went nowhere Hook…stop thinking about the JK’s ans SM’s of this world….just KEEP writing the second. If it feels like crap…just keep writing. Then put it away and come back to it to edit. First drafts are usually hard. I recently read about a guy who wrote his book on his phone as he traveled to and from work every day.

  26. Hook, I can’t seem to do two things at one time. I can either blog, or I can write, but I can’t seem to do both at the same time. Sometimes I take a week or two away from the blogosphere just to sit down and work on the book. “Would that help you? You know I already have your first book, so chop! chop! on the second!

  27. Now come on, my dear Hook; you know a vagina would never take the place of your penis. You could try to fool the people however, eventually you’d have to be true to yourself… You once told me that as a writer we must write – not to ‘critique’ as we go, but write as it ‘comes to mind’…. Heal thyself doc, stop worrying about the masses and enjoy you…!

  28. Jennifer says:

    you’re not getting a comment…shit, this counts as one doesn’t it? Keep p the writing, and something will appear from the never never.

  29. you and your body parts are just ducky for writing – keep going ~

  30. MissFourEyes says:

    You and your body parts are just fine. Your writer’s block will pass.
    I’m just glad that you aren’t cheese blocked. I would’ve googled the best, most effective laxatives if that were the case. That’s what partners do ;)

  31. So many responses, Hook. I don’t think I’ve gotten this many replies in six years of blogging and it’s not for lack of a vagina. It would be great if one could enjoy writer’s block–have enough faith to know that when the time’s right, your story will unfold. But then I sob equally over my writing and my non-writing.
    P.S. If your friend isn’t writing Diary of a Golden Vagina, maybe you should have a go at it.

  32. Having read the comments, let me add: if you write fiction, you can write in the voice of any sex or even no sex.

  33. Pixie Girl says:

    ‘women… buy crap like…’ – thanks for the compliment :P

  34. fubarsmurf says:

    alcohol and or drugs. that is what will get you writing, i know you don’t do them, but maybe it’s time you gave them a try.

  35. HA! All that glitters is not gold – but this is solid funny

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