March Break Madness With The Yummy Mummy!

8:01 AM:  The lobby is still and void of activity – much like the mind of many a guest I shall encounter today, I imagine – and so I am left to my own devices.

9:01 AM:  The lobby remains quiet, save for the voices of valet and doormen chattering on about their economic hardships. Of course, a life free of gambling, excessive drinking and whoring is a life filled with fewer economic hardships. Just sayin’…

My life doesn’t seem so glamorous right now, does it? Truth be told, a bellman’s life is filled with long periods of downtime, during which he ponders his existence and other matters of great importance to the evolution of mankind, such as:

  • What the hell did the world do to deserve Justin Bieber?
  • Is that return guest (the one who travels with a different “boyfriend” each time) a hooker or does she get bored very easily?

8:50 AM:  WAIT, THE PHONE JUST RANG! The first call of the day!

8:54 AM: My first guest was a statuesque, lean, raven-haired single mother mother of two young male rugrats whose beauty shone through in spite of her lack of make-up and Sue Sylvester tracksuit. We began to chat as we waited for an elevator: “I’ve been told I’m a yummy mummy!”, she beamed.

I released an awkward smile and engaged her in one of my patented guest encounters:

THE HOOK: Not that I’m disagreeing, but if I may ask, who told you that?

YUMMY MUMMY: One of your bartenders!

THE HOOK: That sounds like something a bartender would say.

YM: Bartenders are players, aren’t they?

THE HOOK: Pouring drinks just kills time in between flirtatious periods.

YM: I suppose it helps them rake in the tips. Do bellmen do that?

THE HOOK: Not this bellman.

YM: Moral standards?

THE HOOK: Wife with a crowbar.

YM: (Laughing.) You’re funny. Your wife must love your sense of humor.

THE HOOK: Unfortunately, I’m funny in small doses and my wife has been taking a full dosage for eighteen years now.

YM: Eighteen years? My marriage flamed out after seven! He changed, pretty much overnight.

THE HOOK: He grew distant?

YM: He grew gay.

As you can imagine, that drew some looks from the elevator crowd.

THE HOOK: (Seconds felt like years as I formulated a response that would buoy her spirits without crossing any lines. I had zero interest in getting intimate with the wife’s new crowbar..) Well don’t take it personally, I’m sure you did all you could. These things happen.

“These things happen”; the fallback comment of every awkward conversation. By this time we had reached her regulation single mom mini-van. She strapped in the rugrats as I loaded their bags, stuffed animals and hard liquor. Most parents, especially moms, go take wine in vacation, but a gay ex-husband calls for the hard stuff, I suppose.

She returned to our conversation without missing a beat. 

YM: I did everything I could. (The tenor of her voice began to waver.) We tried everything, and I mean everything. Do you know what seven hours of tantric lovemaking leads to?

THE HOOK: Horrible chafing?

She smiled, but once again, she was undaunted.

YM: Divorce. I still can’t believe it; gave him everything.

THE HOOK: But the one thing he really wanted. It has to be tough when a husband and wife both love male genitalia.

YM: Oh yeah. My boys keep me hopping but I get down sometimes.

THE HOOK: You need to visit a bartender once a week.

YM:  (She shot me the look. And I’m not elaborating!) Or a bellman?

THE HOOK: Crowbar.

YM: (Laughing again.) Sorry, I forgot.

THE HOOK: You have that luxury. I don’t.

YM: Thanks for everything. Is this is a weird conversation for a bellman to have with a guest?

THE HOOK: Not this bellman.

YM: (Beaming.) Well, thank s again. You’ve made my day.

And she made my blog, so we were even.

MEANWHILE, WITHIN THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: A mini-blog hop (kinda) and some really terrible a superhero code names.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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83 Responses to March Break Madness With The Yummy Mummy!

  1. Katie says:

    You’ve done it again. Your posts never fail to make me laugh and make me more comfortable in my choice to practice small talk abstinence.

  2. I loved it! Just one of the things I needed today.

  3. Mancakes says:

    I’m with Katie. Proud to be a hotel introvert.

  4. El Guapo says:

    Careful – word will get out that you’re a nice guy!

  5. As a former Gambler and Professional Drinker, I can tell you that it ain’t a bad life. Not a crowbar in sight.

  6. "HE WHO" says:

    Ever been tempted?

  7. paralaxvu says:

    I gotta get out and talk to people more! Being retired and staying at home leads to a lot of talking with dogs. They aren’t as interesting as hotel guests. At least, YOUR hotel guests. But that’s why I like to read your posts. You could make anyone sound interesting. Even a *gasp, chortle, snort* “yummy mummy.” BTW, I think you should find out who that bartender is and tell him to stop sampling the wares;-)

  8. You really do have a great sense of humor.

  9. It’s great how you always have the perfect response for every query. Of course most of them just have to be “crowbar”. This was great fun to read.

  10. wisejourney says:

    Thanks for the smile….

  11. The Guat says:

    Hey I’m so glad I finally found you on my reader. I’ve been missing your entries for months now. I don’t know what is going on but I’m missing a few good people that don’t pop out here any more. Duuuuuuuuude I am so glad I logged on this random morning. This story is too awesomely funny and definitely gave me the laugh I needed this morning. I have two of those Sue Sylvester tracksuits, but don’t know if no bartenders calling me anything. There’s too many good looking chicks here in California for a nerd like me to get props :) But I absolutely love that line wife and crowbar. Awesome. I’ve missed your sense of humor. Glad I found you again. Have a good week my friend.

  12. Lily says:

    I don’t know how you do it, but you meet the strangest people! I do feel bad for her though, that must stink to have that happen. Especially when you have two kids. Rough.

  13. MissFourEyes says:

    Hahahahahaa! Yup, she’s a yummy mummy

  14. elenamusic says:

    Haha, that’s awesome! I like “wife with crowbar” and “he grew gay” quips. I don’t think the guy grew gay, he must of always been gay. That’s a pretty horrible thing for a wife to go through.

    And Global Warming. We got Bieber ’cause of Global Warning. Thanks, Canada.

  15. twindaddy says:

    Pimpin’ ain’t easy!

  16. The Cutter says:

    For the record, Justin Bieber is here to one day die for our sins. Or at least that’s what I’m planning to tell the judge.

  17. JackieP says:

    yummy mummy….that bartender needs new lines….but hey it made her happy. :-) I can just picture you (if I knew what you looked like) standing there dead pan issuing the ‘crowbar’ line. hehhehe

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  19. Lots o’ lonely folk in the world, my dear Hook… Glad you have a crowbar..!

  20. I can always count on you for a laugh……thanks for making my day. Poor Yummy Mummy.

  21. Jennifer says:

    Funny, sad, and typical Hook conversation. I felt the awkward moment on ‘I’m a yummy mummy’ and off it went from there. You have a knack for these conversations, and if all else fails the big guns are brought out.. (wife and crowbar)

  22. Carrie Rubin says:

    Jeez Louise, I don’t even have conversations this intimate with my mother or sisters. Who are these people who spill their secrets to strangers?

  23. djmatticus says:

    I think there is a simple solution to the problem here….
    Take away the crowbar, right? ;-)

    • The Hook says:

      She’d still have pots and pans!

      • djmatticus says:

        Hmm, interesting point, very interesting. Well, with this new piece of information, I think you have probably chosen your course of actions wisely. Very wisely indeed.

        Then again, you could just go around wearing a helmet… start a new fashion trend and protect your head at the same time.

  24. robincoyle says:

    I’m changing the name of my blog to “Yummy Mummy.”

  25. Lady Lovely says:

    This time I put down my coffee before I read your post! You never fail to keep us entertained.

  26. denmother says:

    I hope yummy mummys are yummy tippers!
    Denmother

  27. Love your wit, Hook. You are one of the best when it comes to quick one-liners. Nicely done working the new crowbar in there. Thanks for the laugh. :-)

  28. Have any of your customers put you and a story about them together?? That would be priceless.

  29. munchow says:

    Now, I am not a bellman, but that was quite a conversation. How does your wife’s crowbar handle intimate conversations like this, or is just an occupational hazard?

  30. mairedubhtx says:

    You are a good man, Robert.

  31. Your responses to her were perfect. You are a master bellman for sure! :)

  32. julespaige says:

    After 30 plus years my hubby, who travels, likes to tell his friends that he calls me when he is coming home because he wants to give my time to pick up my ‘boyfriends’ socks off the bedroom floor. They give him weird looks. I just laugh. I don’t have a handy dandy crowbar. But we’ve managed to be very faithful. Lot’s of laughs with this post. Thanks.

  33. TBM says:

    Oh boy! You meet some characters. Good luck keeping your sanity and don’t give VampireLover a reason to invoke the crowbar. That would hurt dude. Not that I have any experience with that. but common sense says ouchie.

  34. Diane C says:

    OMG, you kill me Robert. That poor lady…at least he told her. A pastor I once knew had been dumped by her husband and she never knew why – he just packed up and left without a word other than a note saying “I have to leave” – until years later she bumped into him with his boyfriend at a farmer’s market. It let her put it all behind her as soon as she realized that his departure had nothing to do with her!

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  36. Bob Lee says:

    This x sit is to oooo funny. Lmao – between the gay hubby, that wife in Vegas, daughter taking one for the homework team, I’m with you … one crore bar is enough .. lol

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  38. You silver tongued devil you! He grew gay! Wow! So much funny in this post lol, love it :) 7 hours of tantric love making, my God, well with stamina like that I’m sure he’s making some guy very happy these days!

    This was a gem lol :)

    Rohan.

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