Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Partner Say On Valentine’s Day.

I’ve been married for eighteen glorious years – on February 20th to be exact – and so I can scarcely remember a time when I had to suffer through a horrible Valentine’s Day.

But I know many of you haven’t been so lucky.

Blind dates. The stigma of being single. The anguish of paying hundreds of dollars for flowers, chocolates and dinner, only to end the evening alone in front of a television screen watching Ginger Lynn get down and dirty with some anonymous blonde hottie…

Okay, so I can still recall a disastrous Valentine’s Day or two.

But enough about me. Here is a list of things that you really don’t want to hear emerge from your partner’s mouth on Valentine’s Day.

1)  We should be good. The burning and itching are 99% gone.

2)  I’ve lost the keys to the handcuffs, but don’t worry, my dad is a locksmith.

3)  I’ve invited my friend Margaret to join us tonight… (Wait for it).… She only has 150 pounds left to lose on her weight-loss plan and could really use the self-esteem boost…

4)  I think the oysters might have been a tad iffy…

5)  We may have a timing issue.

6)  But you said you needed a new vacuum.

7)  I couldn’t expect my mother to cook us dinner and just leave.

8)  I promise my mother will leave first thing in the morning.

9)  This hotel isn’t so bad. They promised they’d take the crime scene tape down soon….

10)  Erotic asphyxiation isn’t as dangerous as they say.

11)  But I thought you brought the condoms.

12)  Didn’t you make the reservation?

13)  I’ve decided to move in with Jessica from work. (This one sucks regardless of your gender, but men will be slightly turned on if their wife utters these words.)

14)  I’ve changed my Facebook status to “Free at last. Thank God I’m free at last.”

15)  Pay no attention to the film crew, honey. I just wanted to make sure we had decent production values.

WHERE TO GO ON THE WEB: 5 PICKS FROM THE HOOK.

  1. Lauren & Hugh Do Life: A great pick for this time of year. The power of love – in blogging form.
  2. The Real Facts: Bob Lee is the WordPress equivalent of Ralph Nader.
  3. Empirella: Jamey Ordolis is a Twitter bud and a frequent contributor on the Steven and Chris show, so while I am insanely jealous of her accomplishments, I respect her talent. And she’s cute as button, which never hurts.
  4. The Laughing Housewife: She keeps house and she makes you laugh. That’s it.
  5. ABC of Spirit Talk: Carolyn Page is an original. Here’s why.

MEANWHILE, WITHIN THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: Who doesn’t love a zombie apocalypse? Well, there is a downside….

If you’re a geek like me – but somehow still cool – and you’re going to be in the Falls June 8 & 9, check this out…

It's Nerdrific!

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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60 Responses to Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Partner Say On Valentine’s Day.

  1. Diane C says:

    OMG Robert, I think you and I must have been separated at birth! Zombie apocalypes AND Comicon??? LOL. And congratulations on your upcoming 18th anniversary. If after 18 years you can still call it glorious then you obviously have done something right.

  2. giselzitrone says:

    Gruß und eine gute Woche. Gislinde

  3. Pyx says:

    #6 *facepalm*
    “I got you the Cadillac of vacuums.Why are you crying? did you want it in a different colour?”
    Happy 20th Anniversary by the way!

  4. Real life #1 (the break-up): “My balls are killing me!” Thanks for the laugh.

  5. Pixie Girl says:

    Well… one of those I wouldn’t mind hearing. But that’s me :>

  6. El Guapo says:

    - OH MY GOD!!! I’ve got to teach that to all my girlfriends!

  7. Oh the stress of approaching Valentines Day. A little humor always appreciated to keep things in perspective ( and Hallmark will undoubtedly be calling with a job offer)

  8. February’s a fun ‘n busy month for you, innit, Hook?

    You must be excited planning a lil’ something that reinforces Vampire Lover’s hate for the library hogging you, the, um, coming of age of your marriage and your …. nah, I don’t want to ruin the surprise … for your readers.

    Why did you both choose to get married in the dead of winter? Or didja ‘I do’ on some sunkissed sands?

    And I know what you mean about this:

    >The stigma of being single.
    - No stigma…ta on my cupid-ly solitary being. I bleeding <3 life itself. :-)

    Kate

    • The Hook says:

      I didn’t mean you, Kate! You don’t need a significant other to feel complete, do you?

      • >I didn’t mean you, Kate!
        - No, no!, I didn’t mean you either, Hook! I mean, I know you didn’t think of ME specifically when you thought of that line, keyed in that line, hit ‘Publish’ or anytime after that. Much as I love myself, I know *everything* in this world is not about me. ;-)

        I responded to that because that IS a common myth/misperception. And that’s precisely why *you* wrote that.

        Being insinuated as people who lacked the ability, in some way, to get a boyfriend/girlfriend is what my handful of single friends (of both genders) and I got. It’s much less frequent for the few of us now.

        Now I realise that it’s only people who don’t know me well that would bring that up. That singledom is a conscious choice for some is an alien concept to quite a lot of people I’ve met. That we have strict parameters for a relationship is an even more rare understanding.

        “You’re too fussy.” they’d shrill.

        “Po-TAH-to!” I’d snarl!

        No, I didn’t. Instead, I’d deep breathe, give myself a “Go for it …yet again, Kate!” mental nudge and as calmly as I could, I’d say:

        “You’re right. But that’s your opinion. The way I look at it – I want certain things in a man, and I am not willing to compromise because being in a relationship calls for a lot of compromises. (I prefer the word ‘compromise’ to ‘sacrifice’.) I have a finite amount of, um, compromising ability and I prefer to use it to accept the small things that will begin to niggle after the honeymoon phase.”

        I love the expressions on their faces after that. *grin* Yup, I’m evil.

        My few friends and I also often got, “You’ll never find a man (or woman) like that!” after we’d share our ‘list’. Even Daddy said this to me once! I, um, shut him up with,

        “But you’re like that. And all those things I want are what I’m offering in return, too.”

        Fortunately for me, I’ve met two men who tick off the top 5 things on my list, but sadly, we live in different parts the world. Neither of them nor I can relocate for important reasons. But I’m not distressed by that. If I met two, there’s GOTTA be more. Daddies aren’t always right. ;-)

        >You don’t need a significant other to feel complete, do you?
        - Complete – no. But I do believe that being romantically involved lends a different dimension to life, and it’s one I’d like to experience someday …when all those things that are important to me line up!

        Until then, I will continue to thank my stars for all the positive and accepting people I know (you’re one of them, Hook!), and I will continue to enjoy my vibrant life.

        Whew. Things got a bit heavy here, huh? Well, it’s all YOUR fault because YOU started it, Hook. Hee hee!

        Kate

  9. Katie says:

    HA! “But you said you needed a new vacuum.” Don’t count the possibilities of a good Hoover WindTunnel.

  10. TBM says:

    My dad bought my mom a floor scrubber one year for Christmas. That wasn’t a happy day for anyone in the house.

  11. MissFourEyes says:

    If he’s super nice and throws in a blender AND a vacuum, fire in the house! My neighbors and I are separated by paper thin walls, makes for a great Valentine’s day comedy show

  12. JackieP says:

    I don’t do Valentine’s day so any man in my life is greatly relieved. ha! Never did do the day, but, don’t ever buy me a Hoover for Christmas! Unless you are my mom. ;-)

  13. Here’s to more Valentine’s Day memories, my dear Hook. Happy anniversary for the 20th… ;)
    I shall be thinking of you and VampireLover celebrating your 18th as I celebrate my birthday…!
    As for Valentine’s Day itself… I’m just one of those who is happy to have a great partner by my side. Sometimes luck does ‘fall at your feet’… ;)
    Thank You for the ‘shout-out’…. Tickled pink…! :)

  14. Lauren says:

    Hilarious! Thanks for the shout out today!!

  15. Jennifer says:

    The simplest way to deal with these things. Don’t do Valentines Day. Its only for those newly in love, that’s why we married lot have anniversaries..duh. every week I have valentines when hubby flies home. Minus the pressies, but he doesn’t need to be told, or have a special day if he wants to buy me things.
    A few years ago, while I was working for Hallmark -the ‘season’ killer for me – he gave me a card from the opposition. I thought it was hilarious, when I told my boss, she said she wouldn’t talk to her hubby if he did.

    And why did you get married in the middle of winter?? I’ve been dwelling on that for a while now, congrats!! Explain again, how she ended u with you.. :-)

    • The Hook says:

      We don’t really do Valentine’s Day anymore, but this post was forming in my addled brain and simply had to be written.
      As for getting married in February, we simply didn’t want to wait!

      • Jennifer says:

        Ahh, I’ve seen so many of these posts I may just have to write some non romantic dribble myself. DWH got it right. Women make it so hard (yeah, I know) for you guys you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Just give it a break already.

      • The Hook says:

        Hear, hear!

  16. The way I see things, Hook, is not to bother with Valentine’s Day at all… and that way, you can hear any of those phrases at any time of the year and they won’t matter. Or shouldn’t matter anyway. Or maybe, slightly matter…

  17. Lady Lovely says:

    I literally laughed out loud when I read number 2! :)

  18. timkeen40 says:

    Hook, I don’t know what to say. You just keep blasting them out. Awesome as always.

    Tm

  19. robincoyle says:

    16. Honey . . . the bellman winked at me. Think we should invite him up to the room?

  20. I thought I’d have some worse sentences to offer, but I’ve got the flu and my mind is too busy swimming. Big up.

  21. Bob Lee says:

    18 years … Congratulations! and thanks for the shout out. Much appreciated. You are truly a source of inspiration and Laughter (lol) – As far as continuing the list … I’d have to tag on to robins #16 – Only if the itching has stopped … (lol)

  22. I’m glad to see you still have your humor after being married 18 years. Gives me hope! Congrats on the upcoming anniversary!

  23. Lily says:

    Wow those do sound horrible. Okay, now I feel really good about my past Valentine’s Days!

  24. *Googles Ginger Lynn – does nothing for the rest of the day*

    Lol, number 2 is my fave, great post!

    Rohan.

  25. mabukach says:

    Holy shit was this funny, Hook.

  26. Pingback: Things that Happen in Elevators | Miss Four Eyes

  27. Ashmoto says:

    I love the dry sarcasm :) It’s something you and I both share

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