1) Jump up and down in a vain – and ludicrous – attempt to balance the car.
2) Chant “Oh my!” repeatedly – fifty-seven times to be precise – in an attempt to drive yourself further off the rails.
3) Pace back and forth, but only between one foot of space.
4) Push every button on the elevator control panel. Every. Single. Button.
5) Holler “HELP!” at passing elevator cars.
6) Use the elevator panic button to call the switchboard operator every ten minutes and say “I have to pee!”
7) Ask me to pry open the doors and then scream “NO!!” when I begin to do so, then again when I stop.
8) Use the elevator panic button to call switchboard every fifteen minutes sand say “Now I have to poop!
9) Check your watch every two minutes and update me on the time, inflecting your voice just a little more each time.
10) Ignore the fact that you’re safe, comfortable and merely inconvenienced, and instead focus on every negative detail of your life – which you then share with me.
11) Expect me to have a civil conversation with you while I’m suppressing my urge to remove your head from your quivering body.
And that’s how I spent exactly sixty-minutes of my Sunday, folks, stuck in an elevator with an irrational, older female. My guests were long gone when I finally arrived at the room with their bags, they didn’t leave me a tip – which I suppose is understandable, but still sucks – and I actually had to pee as well.
But you didn’t hear me whining about it.
Oh my, you poor man! Glad you made it out, and glad she wasn’t alone.
She’s lucky she made it out of there at all!
That sucks. I don’t like taking elevators with people generally; it’s always awkward.
Indeed, Michael.
Sweet fancy Moses, I would have had a hard time not choking the life out of her. The fact that you didn’t should make you eligible for some sort of enormous award.
I agree, Madame!
My initial reaction would be to act like this, but then, knowing you, I could count on some fun for the remainder of the time… I’m now envisioning this happening on the plane Hubby is about to board…100+ people acting like that, eek.
That would be no fun at all.
In my secret identity, I’d be exactly the same as that woman, Hook. Luckily, though, my secret identity doesn’t use elevators for that very reason…
I like your secret identity…
some people really freak when they are enclosed in small spaces. Then again some people would freak at any little thing. Me I would have played games with you. Not that sort of games! Geesh people. More like guessing games or something.
Poor Hookster! Glad it wasn’t longer.
That makes two of us, Jackie!
I hate it when people jump up and down in elevators. Where is that Cone of Silence when you need it?
Glad it was a short ordeal.
It wasn’t short enough!
I was once stuck in an elevator with a woman that felt the need to call everyone on her cell phone and inform them, she was stuck in an elevator.
She is a wonderful example of everything that is wrong with our modern world.
I hate elevators that make a groaning noise as they begin their laboring trip to the designated floor. I always fear they will stop somewhere in between floors and I will never get out alive.
It was really fun in the court house during the criminal trials my daughter and I attended in Pennsylvania of the widow and her friends of my deceased son who were collectively facing 85 miscellaneous criminal charges.
Each time the elevator stopped at a floor and people entered, I wondered if they were victims such as my daugher and me or someone charged with a heinous crime.
If that elevator had stopped on the way – your experience would have been a cake walk compared to this trip. Can you imagine if this ‘older person’ was a criminal, with a long list of criminal charges?
God bless and keep you safe from ‘older women’ in elevators..
Thank you for the blessing and insight, young lady.
You reminded me of a story. We stayed at the W hotel in Westwood, CA. Very posh. Like me. My husband was stuck on the elevator. When it FINALLY reached the first floor he went to the front desk to tell the gal there what happened. She said, “Oh gosh. I guess you should take the stairs.” and went back to work.
I cracked up when I read that, Robin, then quickly thought, “That’s not just NOT good customer service, that’s just not *nice*.”
Then again, I’d say that aloud only after I’ve walked in that Front Desk gal’s boots.
Kate
You’re too kind, Kate.
I’m so sorry for this Hook — but I gotta tell you it made me laugh! I’m glad you’re out of there, safe and sound.
I’m glad I could make you laugh. That’s why I’m here, after all.
Come on, everyone knows that you need to establish a pee corner! Haven’t we learned anything from Dwight Schrute?
I guess not.
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I would have been making comments the whole time. “Oh my god, we’re going to fall again!” “The Apocalypse is starting! ” things like that, or! I would start talking to my “friend” that only I can see.
She would have spontaneously combusted!
It would have solved your problem
Wow sounds like my daughter after a breathing treatment
She could do all those things in just 1 ride in the elevator.
Okay, I hope not, but still…
She was one-of-a-kind. Thank God!
Oh my gosh! I’m laughing so hard right now, but I know I shouldn’t be. Sorry The Hook had to go through that experience and miss a tip on top of it! :/
At least I walked off that elevator with blog fodder.
Too bad she didn’t know you. It could have been 60 minutes of fun with you. ha ha ha.
It could have, yes.
60 minutes of Hell!
That should have been the title, Susie!
You poor man! She had no idea how much fun the conversation could have been if she’d only given you a chance to regale her with a few stories.
She missed out.
I think every time she said “Oh my” you should have repeated it back in the voice of George Takei. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WahBH9sANg Heehee.
haha, that’s exactly how I was imagining it.
George Takei style.
Sulu rules!
>But you didn’t hear me whining about it.
- No, I didn’t. Because you were busy with this, perhaps?
>I’m suppressing my urge to remove your head from your quivering body.
- Guess who’s quivering at the thought?!
Kate
I live to make you quiver, Kate.
60 minutes? Poor you! I would have plotted ways to kill her. You did, didn’t you?
I did indeed.
OH that SUCKS!!!!! I’m so sorry you had to sit in the elevator!!! I get afraid of those things to it’s like a crap shoot!!! I only hope if I do get stuck there are at least 3 people in the elevator so I can fart and not be suspected!!!
I’ll say it again. You’re hilarious.
Hey a girl’s got to eat healthy! Healthy food makes girls FART!!! And girls are NOT suposed to FART!!! You learn to lie and do things on the sly!!!
You’re a modern woman, my friend.
I KEEP IT REAL HOOK!!!
REAL!!!
You sure do!
An hour in a stuck elevator with a hysterical person?! How did you keep your cool? And then to get stiffed on top of that? You’re a better person than I a, that’s for sure. I’d be seething.
I wouldn’t blame you!
You poor man. but what if you really do have to pee or poop? I would be panicking as well.
Fortunately, I wasn’t in such peril, but I see your point.
Well I’m very proud of myself as I have recently got stuck in one and behaved very nicely.
That was for 15 minutes only, though…
Still, take your victories where you can find them!
So it ain’t so, Hook! Females are always so calm in situations such as these.
Not this one!
And careful with the sarcasm, buddy. I’d hate to see Becca or one of our other female blogger friends take after you…..
Eh, I could probably use a good ass-kicking right now…
At least you’re willing to admit it.
she told people she needed to poop? you sure she was a lady?
Pretty sure.
Maybe you should carry a taser.
If only I could, Derek.
I can’t see why anyone would need to jump up and down in a stalled elevator, but jumping in the air for a second while descending in one and imagining that you are weightless and flying, that’s great fun!
Sounds like it!
Okay, my dear Hook; this begs the question.
Has anyone actually ‘peed’ in the elevator during such an experience in your work establishment…?
Just curious….!
You know, I’m not sure…
hahahahaha
Oh, it sounds like exactly what happens when my kids ride in elevators.
Poor Kylie…
Oh the stories I could tell!
Lol, that sounds exciting!
That’s not the word I would have used, but okay!
At least she didn’t try to make out with you, Hook. But it’s funny getting so scatological. A REAL lady would never have referred to the need to…oh whatever.
Indeed!
Gee I wouldn’t mind spending time in an elevator with someone as funny and interesting as you. My luck would be stuck with a bellman who kept jumping up and down with a full bladder.
I should be s lucky to wind up with you as an elevator partner!
Instead I get wackos!
Is 60 minutes long enough of a time to come up with a plausible excuse as to why a person would die of starvation in 60 minutes and why starvation sometimes looks like a broken neck?
Unfortunately, it isn’t.
But I like your style!
Oh gosh, definitely a “The people I Never want to be stuck with again” moment!
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