Don’t Freak Out, But…

Well, my guest post for Miss Four Eyes (Thanks again, young lady!) has proven to be more successful than I could ever have imagined in my wildest dreams. Then again, my wildest dreams have nothing to do with blogging, but that’s neither here nor there…

Getting back to business….

I do my best, but sometimes, as you well know, I stumble as both a bellman and husband/father. Then again, even my failures can prove amusing.

In fact, some of the best stories have emerged from one’s failures, have you ever noticed that?

Here now, are some of the best lines that have followed the following sentence: “Don’t freak out, but..”

1.  I accidentally glued the cat to the living room floor.

2.  My limited edition set of replica, light-up Green Lantern power rings actually cost $200. But they’ll appreciate in value. Unless I play with them. Which I have.

3.  I may have told my friends about that thing we did while on vacation – in the hotel elevator.. and the public hot tub.

4.  You know when you asked me if I paid the power bill last month? Well… (Fortunately, total darkness enveloped our apartment and no further explanation was necessary.)

5. I may have exaggerated when I told you I was adept at doing the laundry.

On a related note:

6.  Your new full-length dress is now a stunning mini.

7.  Turns out the milk was slightly past the expiration date, so your morning cereal may make a return appearance this afternoon.

8.  I may have forgot to mail Timmy’s soccer admission fees last month. But he sucks anyway.

9.  Our wedding video now contains a feature film… Batman XXX, to be precise.

10.  I may have cut a few corners on our wedding budget. But my cousin Artie is pretty much sober for at least half the day, so we should be good. And my other cousin is actually a great photographer, especially when people are clothed – and not having sex.

11.  Remember that vase your mother gave us for our anniversary that you said you secretly hated? Well…

12.  The kids didn’t actually bust the coffee table play-fighting; I sort of fumbled my Spider-Man impression…

13. I forgot to put it away the last time we watched it and the babysitter found our little “home movie”.

14.  We’re now paying the babysitter’s tuition next year…

15.  I may have given the kids’ teacher the impression you’d bake six dozen cookies for the bake sale – tomorrow.

16.  My “old college buddy”, Sam, now goes by her full name, Samantha, and she’s going to be staying with us. And she’s a bit of a, shall we say, free spirit? So she may have gotten the wrong impression about our marital dynamic…

17.  I sort of told the kids they could have a party while we’re away. (Trust me, if you’re a husband, those words will result in a death stare from your wife.)

18.  You know my ex, the one you punched in the face? The one who is now a dancer at Le Girls, Girls, Girls? I kinda, sorta invited her to our wedding – and I put her at your parent’s table…

19.  I got the kids a dog. But Great Danes are actually quite mild-mannered, pretty much.

20.  I may have invited my mother over – to live with us.

That’s all the failure I can stomach for now folks. Enjoy your day and just remember, perfection is a burden…

MEANWHILE, WITHIN THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: I take a look at Beyoncé’s recent troubles – and laugh at them.

If you’re a geek like me – but somehow still cool – and you’re going to be in the Falls June 8 & 9, check this out…

It's Nerdrific!

BETTER THAN EVER THIS YEAR!

PLEASE READ THIS BLOG: You’ll be moved by MJ’s story. Her life story – and that of her daughter Grace – is one of hope, the power of family and the healing power of laughter.

Just Another Canadian Gurl needs your help! She’s snowed in and could use a friendly word or two n her blog. So let’s help chase her snow covered blues away, okay?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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61 Responses to Don’t Freak Out, But…

  1. So just to clarify, are these ALL ones that you have uttered?

  2. twindaddy says:

    “Batman XXX”?? Kinda gives the sentence, “C’mon! Let’s get nuts!” a whole different meaning, huh?

  3. wherethedaytakesme says:

    always a good time lol.

  4. Diane C says:

    You glued the cat to the livingroom floor? More details please. How did you do it? I don’t think most cats would sit still for that. Was it hardwood? Carpet? Come on Robert, spill the beans! :)

    • The Hook says:

      It was carpet glue.
      New carpet was being laid in our first apartment and she happened to saunter by, or at least she TRIED to saunter by…

  5. MishaBurnett says:

    My failures tend to more along the lines of, “You know how we all assumed that the lighting circuit was 110 volts…?” and tend to end with, “On the plus side, we needed a good reason to repaint the third floor anyway…”

  6. TBM says:

    Hard to choose a favorite–oh life, you never know what silliness it will hold.

  7. robincoyle says:

    Is Batman XXX the porn version?

  8. dinkerson says:

    I loved my old buddies like Sam. :)

  9. JackieP says:

    Your wife, I so feel for her. haha! You are a lucky man to have her forgiving soul. Too funny.

  10. MissFourEyes says:

    Haha! You glued the cat to the floor?! Poor kitty. Poor you!
    And your guest post did turn out to be very successful. I’m still getting traffic from your blog :)

  11. susielindau says:

    My heart stops when I hear those words!
    Maybe it is good exercise to get the heart racing while sitting down, but cardiac arrest isn’t good for anyone. Your mother is coming to live with us? WHEN? :)

  12. raisingdaisy says:

    Perfection is not only a burden, it’s downright boring!! ;)

  13. rawrtalk says:

    If #17 gets you a death stare then I can only imagine what #20 will get you. I’ll make a note to send flowers hehe just kidding. Loved this post def funny and I can so see how #13 can happen. :)
    Xoxo

  14. Bwahahahaha! Great stuff, as usual!

  15. I never fail to be entertained when I pop in here! I love number 20.. that would horrify me, actually, lol!

  16. Hook, I’m laughing at your poor cat… in a good way, obviously!
    However, that’s more of a right place right time event than a failure in my book!

  17. If you’ve really done all of this, I’d like to shake your wife’s hand because she is a saint. Consider yourself lucky to still be alive. lol

  18. Jennifer says:

    You are too funny. Now I’d love to spend more time, but I have to go hide that video…

  19. MJ says:

    16 made me LOL! Thanks, BTW….I’m sniffing again.

  20. You are so damn funny! :)

  21. The Waiting says:

    Batman…lol. At least it wasn’t a more “adult” film that took the place of your wedding vid.

  22. I’d like to see your Spider-Man immpression. Could you film a re-enactment – complete with busting a coffee table? Or maybe a few more details of the event. ;-)

  23. renxkyoko says:

    That’s hilarious, all of it !

  24. Kylie says:

    Wow. Don’t freak out, but you are in dire need of my “Husband’s Guide to Scoring.” I better get that post finished!

  25. Pingback: Wonderful Team Member & Illuminating Blogger Awards :) | rohan7things

  26. rohan7things says:

    I like how smoothly number 14 followed on from number 13 lol, ouch ;)

    Rohan.

  27. Jo Bryant says:

    so are you responsible for the cat ?

  28. Pingback: Things that Happen in Elevators | Miss Four Eyes

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