Boxing Day Madness: Hook Style!

While some people spent their Boxing Day battling their fellow man for that ever-elusive discounted big-screen TV, I spent it standing in the cold serving families that have found themselves screwed over by evolution.

Like this one…

GILLY’S DAD: (Wrestling with two male rugrats, ages two and eight, overcome by a sugar rush) Just empty my van, boss!

He proceeded to pop the back door on the mini-van from Hell. Seriously, this thing had dents, scrapes, eight layers of dirt and pretty much everything you could possibly cake on a vehicle. It also had every item you could possibly fit into a mini-van – with the possible exception of a body. And truth be told, there could have been one jammed underneath that mess…

THE HOOK: Sir, I could use some guidance here…

And so Dad decided to whip one of the little guys back into the van – literally – but it was a half-hearted effort and the other little guy escaped.

GILLY’S DAD: Hey, Gilly! Where are you, you little bas-

THE HOOK: (Just in the nick of time!) He’s here, sir! He’s playing with my cart.

And he certainly was: first the eight-year-old little terror ripped off his coat – apparently the sugar makes little guys immune to the rushing Ontario cold – and then he decided to re-enact a classic scene from A Christmas Story

GILLY’S DAD: What’s he up to now?

THE HOOK: If I had to guess, I’d say he was trying to see if his tongue will stick to my cart, sir.

GILLY: It won’t work, Daddy!

Undeterred, he kept trying.

GILLY’S DAD: Where did I go wrong?

If I had to guess, I’d say throwing his children into the family ride was beginning to have detrimental effect on Gilly’s psyche. As I watched Gilly continue his efforts, I was inspired to speak up, but I held back. However, once Dad began to rifle through his vehicle for a bag of liquor, I realized nothing would phase this guy.

All bets were off.

THE HOOK: I’m guessing you eat a lot of glue in school, right Gilly?

GILLY: I love glue!

GILLY’S DAD: You see why I drink, boss?

At that point, both Gilly and his sibling pooled their efforts and ran screaming into the lobby. Dad’s response was ripped from the FEMA handbook; he did nothing but stare at the consequences of not using a condom – twice.

GILLY’S DAD: You have any ideas, boss?

THE HOOK: Are you willing to trust me, sir?

The look on his face spoke volumes.

And so Dad and I wheeled two carts through the lobby: one had the usual goodies piled high and securely.

The other carried two rugrats, both strapped tight to the ends with coats and scarves.

Improvisation comes with the territory when you’re a bellman.

HAPPY BOXING DAY, EVERYONE!

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE SUPERNATURAL ASSASSIN SERIES?

If not, you soon will. Vina Kent’s masterpiece is evolving everyday. A TV series – bound to win awards – is coming soon! Check it out here.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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58 Responses to Boxing Day Madness: Hook Style!

  1. JackieP says:

    hahaha! I just had to laugh, I could just see the whole scene. At least he listened to you. There are some that just should not breed. ;-)

  2. And to think a condom would have been so much cheaper in the long run. Happy Boxing Day

  3. Hahah! I need the rack & the restraints so often. Sugar and kids are not a good mix. Happy Boxing Day!

  4. Jennifer says:

    Maybe you should have left them outside…

  5. jimshortz says:

    Thanks for the much needed laugh!

  6. Brilliant! Love that you guys tied to two rugrats!

    P.s. Got your book for christmas – so excited!! =D

  7. TBM says:

    Did you duct tape their mouths. Off to eat some glue! Happy holidays Hook

  8. MissFourEyes says:

    GILLY: I love glue!
    Haha! That cracked me up!

  9. I would be late to everything if this were the scene!!!

  10. >Like this one…
    - Aaand we’re off!

    >Improvisation comes with the territory when you’re a bellman.
    - Word.

    Kate

  11. Ha ha ~ I want to shadow you for a week! (side note – you used ‘threw’ instead of ‘through’ – I’m excited that others besides me do it too!)

  12. giselzitrone says:

    Hallo lieber Hook ich wünsche dir ein gutes glückliche neue Jahr alles liebe und gute von mir Gruss Gislinde.

  13. mairedubhtx says:

    I thought you were supposed to get a Christmas box on Boxing Day, not spend the day dealing with sugar-high children and their clueless parents. Supernatural Assassins–are they a new comic book or a movie or television show?

  14. susielindau says:

    Oh my god this is hilarious! I love how you set up the story Hook! Hahaha!
    It could be another chapter in The Bellman Chronicles II. :)

  15. becca3416 says:

    You just know how to fix any situation. Hilarious!

  16. unfetteredbs says:

    oh the joy you must have felt strapping those buggers in.. oh to live vicariously through your writing. ;)

  17. Diane C says:

    Hahahahahahaha! Having successfully raised one child, I remember moments like that when you are too exhausted and strung out to do anything more that watch the kid(s) run amuck. Your story reminded me of the French condom ad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gLlBv_SrZw

  18. Jo Bryant says:

    I am so glad mine are all growed up

  19. Funny story, Hook! Did you wipe your cart down with sanitizer afterward? Cracked me up that you had that kid’s glue number.

  20. El Guapo says:

    Well, at least it was an…entertaining Boxing Day!

  21. You could make some dollars selling this as a condom ad… ; )

  22. You are able to create some memorable pictures.
    There’s a book cover/illustration riding with those kids on the last cart.
    Love the line “Dad’s response was ripped from the FEMA handbook; he did nothing but stare at….”
    Great writing, Hook. Great writing.

  23. Blown says:

    Man, I really have no idea how you can bear that. I’d need to be in my 7th life to have the patience and wiseness… ;-)

  24. That is true bellman mastery!

  25. Mike Knoche says:

    I laughed aloud. Great anecdote. Cheers

  26. Mike Knoche says:

    you can delete this one but you used the wrong through when saying rifled threw. I know, I love to give unsolicited advice. Feel free to do it back anytime. And thanks again for your compliment.

  27. ristinw says:

    Happy New Year!!
    Wishing you a prosperous and joyful year ahead. May the new year brings all the best and everything you wish for to you and to your family! :D

  28. jlheuer says:

    What the heck is Boxing Day? Can you guess I’m not Canadian?

  29. Michelle says:

    OMG!!!! That’s hilarious!!!! And the way you tell it and the final delivery is choice!!! Thanks!

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