How To Wake Your Child On A Weekday…

Author’s note: It’s Monday. If you were expecting a clever title, you’re out of luck…

FACT#1: Children love to sleep, not nearly as much as we’d like them to, and never when we desire, but they love to sleep nonetheless.

FACT #2: Children hate being roused from their slumber in order to attend school and be instructed in “a bunch of useless crap they’re never going to use anyhow!” Their words, not mine, although I’m sure I’ve uttered similar statements in my long-lost youth…

FACT #3: Children lie. So when you’re standing at the bottom of that staircase hollering “Timmy! Are you dressed yet?”, don’t believe Timmy when he answers “Yes!” from under the covers.

HERE ARE A FEW METHODS YOU CAN UTILIZE TO GET YOUR “LITTLE DARLING” OUT OF BED – AND OUT OF YOUR HAIR FOR A FEW HOURS…

#1: “GANGBANGER STYLE”:

No, this does not involve hiring a couple of boys from the East Side to bounce your little chico out the door; I would never suggest anything so reckless. Just hire said boys to pimp out your child’s bed with a hydraulic lift. An air horn is a nice touch too. Oh, and you may want to put something down to break the rugrat’s fall…

#2: “DOGGY STYLE”:

Stop snickering, this is serious.Pets can be a great resource, if utilized properly. Simply hide a piece of bacon under your child’s pillow, get Fido as riled up as possible – I suggest using a doggie whistle – and throw open your child’s bedroom door. Animal instinct will take car of the rest…

#3 “GANGNAM STYLE”:

Hide an iPod in Timmy’s room, complete with docking station set to maximum volume, of course, and make sure you have PSY’s ridiculously popular (and unfortunately unforgettable) set to loop. Hit the remote and wait for the fun to begin. It’s that simple.

#4: “WATER BALLOON STYLE”:

If I have to explain this one then your problems run deeper than rugrat wrangling…

#5: “FIRECRACKER STYLE”

You may be mortified right now, but this not only works, it also explains why I haven’t written more parenting posts in the past…

YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO CHECK THIS OUT…

Le Clown and Becca are working wonders on their blogs lately. I’m going to let their work speak for itself… Just make sure you’re prepared to be wowed – and moved.

CHECK IT OUT!

SHOUT-OUT TIME…

Benjamin Wallace is a new friend but a true one. Like Vina Kent, - and Jo Bryant before her – he’s come through with helpful tips and contacts where others have  brushed me off, in a friendly way, of course. Check his site out. He’s blazing a new trail for Dumb White Husbands everywhere…

TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..

A shout-out to my blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

ONE LAST ITEM OF BUSINESS…

A fellow bellman and artiste/filmmaker extraordinaire, Joseph Mancini, has created a new digital presence to share with the world. Show him some of that awesome devotion you’ve bestowed upon yours truly and check his work out, okay? I appreciate it, folks. Until next time, stay cool…

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About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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95 Responses to How To Wake Your Child On A Weekday…

  1. becca3416 says:

    Hook, my favorite is the pet method. Animals take the blame for our farts, are our personal vacuums, and now they can even wake our kids for us. Funny post. Thanks for the sweet shout out too.

    • The Hook says:

      Yes, pets can do more than soil carpets and chew shoes, Becca. Nice to see you still have time to slum now that you’ve gained some much-deserved recognition…
      And you earned the shout-out – Big time!

      • becca3416 says:

        I have been really behind on reading all of the blogs I follow lately with the craziness, but I am trying to balance it all. I may not comment as often as I used to, but please know that I am always here reading and supporting!

      • The Hook says:

        I was just joking! Don’t get your long johns in a bunch. That would make dancing quite uncomfortable, I imagine…

  2. Le Clown says:

    The Hook,
    Thanks man. I appreciate the link up, my friend!
    Le Clown

  3. twindaddy says:

    I have an addition to your list.

    MOB STYLE

    When I was a teenager and tasked with waking up my youngest brother, who is half deaf, I just yanked the pillow out from under his head and beat him with it until he got out of bed. Worked like a charm.

  4. Ink Pastries says:

    I can appreciate this. I have a 14-year-old son and I just told him that I don’t understand why that song is so popular. But then, I listened to the Bee Gees and Styx in my day.

  5. Ink Pastries says:

    Hey, I changed my site back to public. I went through a shy period and had it private. Modesty, you know.

  6. This is what I have to look forward to…yay! :)

  7. unfetteredbs says:

    I like the water balloon option..

    • The Hook says:

      The simple plans are the most elegant – and messy, unfortunately!

      • Bob Lee says:

        I started with the water balloon technique but yup the hook is right . .. twas messy, had to change it up to slowly pouring ice cold water on his head but that was too dangerous for me, wish I had a dog that one would have definitely worked wonders, love these and I found pulling the covers off is useless unless puberty has kicked in snuff to embarrass them. now – I’ve relented to getting his friends involved, but they’re like me (they don’t like getting clobbered from a half dream state boy that is still sleeping when he swings at the victim attempting to wake him. still like that doggy style one .. lolso true but sometimes solo much fun

  8. Kanerva says:

    The dog. The bacon. That would soooo work in this house. Have a great Monday Hook! (Or rest of it as the case may be :) )

  9. raisingdaisy says:

    LOL I’d definitely go for that water balloon except for the fact that I’d be stuck with the cleanup! :D

  10. robincoyle says:

    Where were you when my girls still lived at home and I needed to roust them from bed? The bacon under the pillow is brilliant. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that six years ago. I lost years on my life trying to get them out of bed without bacon, water balloons, or firecrackers.

  11. JackieP says:

    hmmmm I knew there was another reason I never had kids. When I was a kid my mom would yell once for us to get up, if we didn’t, oh boy! We were in too much trouble to NOT get up with that one call. :-)

  12. Diane C says:

    I never figured out a good way to get my daughter out of bed. When I was a kid, I usually got up before my mum so I never had any role modelling to learn from. Now she (my daughter) is 19 and living on her own so she can figure it out herself – I have a hard enough time getting myself out of bed! :D

  13. Love the firecracker and water balloon methods. Nothing says good morning like a loud explosion and a good drenching.

  14. gatesitter says:

    The bacons the best….but like them all..lol When I was a kid my first chore of the morning was to make parents coffee, they were VERY grumpy without it so you bet I got up first :) kids see the world differently now…

  15. leah says:

    Nice! They all sound hilarious. My parents would just flip the mattress with me in the bed. Alas, since I don’t have any bundlies o’ joy, I can’t get my revenge.

  16. Lily says:

    If my parents ever woke me up like that, I’d run away!

  17. Blown says:

    I already desisted of trying. I think they learn by themselves the consequences of being late… ;-)

  18. Michael says:

    If I ever have kids, I shall have to remember this post. :)

    • The Hook says:

      It could save your life….

      • Bob Lee says:

        just do it gently with love because social services or cps or whatever they are put the caring parents in court and ruin lives … the more I think about this Bob, the doggy style is the winner.

  19. susielindau says:

    Wow! You covered a lot for a Monday! I will check out those bloggers too!
    I used to use the dog to wake up the kids too!

  20. El Guapo says:

    Ha! I have enough trouble getting myself out of bed.
    Thank goodness I’m not responsible for children too!

  21. The bacon one is brilliant! (But then bacon can generally enhance any situation).

    I’m quite a kind mother when it comes to waking my kids for school – I usually rub their backs or their arm or something while gently encouraging them to rise from their slumber, at the same time I will be listing breakfast choices to try and tempt them. This isn’t necessarily reflective of my mothering for the rest of the day, but I figure there’s plenty of time for yelling later, let’s at least start the day calmly.

  22. Letting them ‘sleep-in’ and miss something they want to attend is a possible cure…!
    Of course, you may find some terrible addition in your next cup of coffee. However, there are always risks in life…! ;)

  23. MissFourEyes says:

    #2 is absolute brilliance. Better yet if you have more than one dog :D
    I support you on #5, but that is also why I’m never having kids.

  24. TBM says:

    Or live with my better half who sounds like a herd of elephants in the morning. I think all the noise is intentional and mean spirited.

  25. mumchic says:

    I may or may not have hid an ipod set to play gangnam style under my son’s bed. Love the post!

  26. breezyk says:

    Water balloon style is my biggest nightmare. Except for gagnam style.

  27. Bob Lee says:

    Laughing my ass off as usual … If I had a dog … I think that would work really good. And – Hey – I think you should consider writing a Parenting Book – what the hell – we’re the ones that go nuts and you’re methods of madness actually provide reality relief … lol -

    • The Hook says:

      I appreciate the support and the suggestion, Bob, but I’m not so sure I’m cut out to be an author. My first book hasn’t exactly set the world on fire so far! And now I have a competitor out there advising people to lie, cheat and steal their way across North America!

      • Bob Lee says:

        That just sucks. but remember, karma baby …

      • The Hook says:

        Speaking of karma. since your last comment I received an e-mail containing yet another rejection from an agent! What did I ever do to justify such unbalanced karma?
        I mean, I have a great personal life, but my professional life sucks right now – BIG TIME!

      • Bob Lee says:

        Just out of curiosity – what genre of publishers/agents are you sending it to? And I know the feeling about karma – my professional life sucks right now too (in addition to car being stolen, crashed into a telephone pole, left abandoned, having to buy another car on the spot, yada yada yada …) but just wondering if the types of publishers/agents are the right match for your material.

      • The Hook says:

        I wish I knew…

  28. dinkerson says:

    I have a five-year-old and a three-year-old. They are up every morning by 6:30, rummaging through the fridge and flipping the channels. Where did I go wrong? It must be my wife’s fault… after all, she made them.

  29. Especially love the animal method!

  30. Great Dane + Bacon = Success.
    Enough said:)

  31. There’s always the, “Overly Happy style!” My mum used to throw open the door singing, “GOOD MORNING MR SUNSHINE – YOU BRIGHTEN UP MY DAY!” It was horrid. She’s a morning person. I am not. Terrible…

  32. If you were expecting a clever title, you’re out of luck…

    – That’s it. I’m outta here.

    Not without saying this, though.

    Thank goodness I w as born with an inbuilt alarm clock. I didn’t ever give my parents a chance to adopt one of your suggested methods to get me to haul my behind outta bed.

    Kate

  33. You only don’t get some gangster boys to wake your kid because you don’t know where to go!!! LOL This was THE best thing I read ALL day!!!! TY!

  34. Jo Bryant says:

    I wish I’d known all these BEFORE they left home…

  35. ConnieMaria says:

    Oh my gosh you crack me up!! lol

  36. I guess I just turn the light on at this point, buy my kids are not teenagers yet. At that point I will likely move on to methods that provide both impact and speed.

  37. Bright lights (windows or light bubs) and dogs were always our choices…that and really loud silly Christmas songs all year long….really loud and cheerful ones. Funny post!

  38. Ana Trofin says:

    Reblogged this on Ana Trofin's Blog and commented:
    I feel I’ve woken up in the new year by #5 :)

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