Dear Chelsea Handler: If you’re thinking of suing, let me caution you, I’m not exactly financially solvent. Seriously, I’m broke. You’ll have to look for booze money elsewhere.
Where were we?
Oh yeah. Tourists lie, plain and simple. They assume they’re never going to see you again, so they throw the bull like Chelsea Handler throws empty vodka bottles. But at least their lies are entertaining – most of the time. Here are a few of my favorites…
“MY HUSBAND HAS ALL THE MONEY.” I’ve been married 18 years. My thirteen-year-old has more money on her than I do.
“SHE’S MY WIFE.” Plenty of fat, balding, forty-year-old men marry hot, over-sexed Snooki clones who don’t know their names.
“SMITH IS MY REAL NAME. I JUST BORROWED A FRIEND’S CREDIT CARD.”
“I’M NOT GOING TO DRINK ALL THIS. I JUST DON’T WANT TO RUN OUT.” With five cases of beer and a two boxes of wine, how could you?
“I DON’T KNOW WHY MY DOORWAY AND FOR THAT MATTER, THE HALL, REEKS OF POT.” And believe me when I tell you, it’s not just teenagers who use this line…
“THAT’S NOT MY VIBRATOR, HONEY. I SWEAR!” Ladies: if you don’t want your husband to find your “special friend”, don’t put him in the dresser drawer where he’s certain to activate.
“WHAT’S YOUR NAME? I WANT TO LEAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU AT THE DESK LATER.” I’ve been a bellman for fifteen years, “later” never comes.
“MY CAR USUALLY ISN’T THIS MESSY.” The McDLT containers and Billy Beer cans are from last week, I’m sure.
And my personal favorite…
“THOSE AREN’T MY HANDCUFFS, WHIP AND BALL GAG THAT YOU MAY HAVE FOUND IN THE ROOM, BUT COULD I HAVE THEM ANYWAY?”
CHECK IT OUT!
SHOUT-OUT TIME…
Benjamin Wallace is a new friend but a true one. Like Vina Kent, - and Jo Bryant before her – he’s come through with helpful tips and contacts where others have brushed me off, in a friendly way, of course. Check his site out. He’s blazing a new trail for dumb, white husbands everywhere…
TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..
A shout-out to my blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…
ONE LAST ITEM OF BUSINESS…
A fellow bellman and artiste/filmmaker extraordinaire, Joseph Mancini, has created a new digital presence to share with the world. Show him some of that awesome devotion you’ve bestowed upon yours truly and check his work out, okay? I appreciate it, folks. Until next time. stay cool…
Related articles
- 50 Shades of Chelsea Handler (upbeatmag.wordpress.com)
- Chelsea Handler To Donald Trump: ‘Go The F*ck Away’ (huffingtonpost.com)
Yes! I’m so excited to read this!
Glad to hear it!
Good ones! I’ve heard them all too!
I figured you have…
Locksmiths get some interesting lies, too. For example, every single man who has ever locked his keys in his car outside a strip club was lost and just ran into the club for a minute to ask for directions back to the interstate…
Hilarious! Thanks!
Oh, those little white lies…don’t they know Santa is watching?
Your wry observations must mirror Santa’s thoughts exactly
I imagine they do.
This reminds me of every time my dad calls me over to look at his computer. He always says “It just did that on its own.” Sure dad. What kind of porn were you looking at?
Nice one!
Hilarious! People need to start getting more creative!
And what kind of a person leaves whips and handcuffs lying around their room? If you’re going to be into S&M at least do it the right way and carry them around with you.
You’re one clever, gal!
Haha, you WOULD know this rule…
Whaaa…little old me?
Yes. Of course I would.
Teachers get great lies too, but I’ve never had a student tell me one about handcuffs.
Not yet!
I’d crap my pants if a third grader said, “I couldn’t get my homework done, I was in handcuffs all night.”
It’s a good job that for every lie, there’s someone to see through them! Me, I’m too gullible!
Nah, you’re fine the way you are!
People are stupid! Simple. But stupid makes for entertaining.
Absolutely!
Haha all very entertaining ; )
That’s what I’m here for: to entertain the masses!
And you succeed with every post … lmao
awesome!
Thanks! But I hope Tracy Fulks doesn’t see this comment – she holds the copyright on “awesome”!
I’ve heard many of these too… not so surprising really. It’s all entertainment, isn’t it??!! Ya gotta love people…
Yes, but only because I have no choice!
I got the “what’s your name because I want to leave you something extra” all the time when I was waiting tables. And you’re right; that something extra never comes.
No, it doesn’t.
Well… we all lie someday, don’t we?
Yep.
EEEEWWW!! I can’t believe someone would ask to have someone else’s ball gag…even as a cover story.
Believe it, Leah!
Off topic, how did the crash event go?
>Lies Tourists Have Told Me.
- The Sunday funnies! Enjoyed them, Hook!
Kate
Glad to hear it, Kate!
gotta love the public…or not
funny stuff.
The public never disappoints – even when they disappoint me as a human being they provide blog fodder for the writer inside!
Its amazing what idiots will expect you to believe.
People are wonderful, aren’t they?
I think you have your words confused.
Ok, when our kid was little, I used the “My car usually isn’t this messy” line myself.
But I never used any of those other gems! Too funny!
Thanks, Maddie!
You make me consider starting a career in the hospitality industry.
Just make sure you move to Niagara Falls!
Just to be on the ‘safe-side’; I’m never ever, ever gonna speak to another Bellman, ever…!
Don’t do that, Carolyn!
Hahahahahaha….this is my favorite…
“THAT’S NOT MY VIBRATOR, HONEY. I SWEAR!” Ladies: if you don’t want your husband to find your “special friend”, don’t put him in the dresser drawer where he’s certain to activate.
Words to live by, right?
Hahahah…I am not one to not own my stuff…I have had a vibrator longer than a boyfriend, and they tend to be more reliable
just saying…
You have a comedic gift, Princess!
Actaully I think that is my whip……..
I had a feeling…
“…they throw the bull like Chelsea Handler throws empty vodka bottles”. One of many of your lines I’m going to start using in regular conversation.
I have many ridiculous things my patients say to me too. I’m trying to compile them and present them in such a way that I can still let everyone read it without facing jail time for breach in confidentiality or worse, being “looked into” by the Ontario Kinesiology Association
My children have all the money too
Seriously?
Hi Rob,
As you’ve said…you do have enough material for a sit-com, all the ingredients are there, environment, people and the situations (and lies) they create/tell.
Most people have heard most of the ‘porky-pies’ however, would you say your appearance (i.e. tall and balding) has any bearing on why the liars feel compelled to lie even more? lol!
I’ve been thinking of crafting a sitcom for some time, but while I have the material, I really don’t know beans about scriptwriting! If anyone out thee has any ideas, drop me a line!
Great post!
Ahhh… Christmas. The season for deceit…
’tis the season, indeed!
The vibrator one is too funny. Just call it what it is ladies. Your Bob: Battery operated boyfriend.
Nice one, Becca!
Not only do i always love your posts – but everyone’s comments just keep the laughter and smiles going right to the very last one. – And the Bob from Becca is a good one …
Yes, Becca rules!