The Hook Joins A Threesome!

Get your minds out of the gutter, perverts; it wasn’t as much fun as it should have been, trust me.

It was Saturday night and the joint was jumpin’ – as the old folks say. The clock struck nine, my last colleague left for the night and The Hook was an army of one.

And of course, all Hell broke loose.

The hotel was playing host to a gathering of border crossing professionals – our biggest conference of the year – and the stakes are always high when you’re dealing with that much scratch – as the Italians say. So when a vendor arrived with a buttload of boxes I wasn’t about to tell him the loading dock was closed for the night.

No, I saddled up and headed out. I have to admit, I have some pretty mean skills when it comes to navigating an overloaded bell cart through a crowd of liquored-up tourists. Now if I could only learn to use my Jedi skills to summon an elevator quickly, I’d really be laughing…

Twenty-minutes later I returned to my post only to fall victim to Murphy’s Law. Ten minutes later, I had three calls to deliver – and then a phone call from the Front Desk truly upset the apple cart: I had a room move to carry out.

Room moves are usually a tremendous waste of time and resources but they’re also a  necessary evil so I moved quickly. And then what happened?

  • I spent ten minutes waiting in the hallway as the modern-day versions of Janet, Chrissy and Jack “put together their shit”. I listened patiently as they complained – ad nauseum – about the broken heater in their room.
  • I spent another five minutes listening to “Jack” bitch about the heat. “I have these two fine bitches to myself and the heat is busted up in this bitch! Know what I’m sayin’, Boss? Of course I had no idea what this crude amalgamation of Jack Tripper and Vanilla Ice was going on about, but since I didn’t care, I just let him roll…
  • “At least I get to do these two fine ladies all night long (I’m guessing in his world, “all night long” is slang for fifteen minutes.) but if it’s too hot they’re going to bitch non-stop, know what I’m sayin’? You ever do two at once, Boss?”

My response shut him up for a while and allowed us to get moving, “I’ve never really had the desire to disappoint two women at the same time.”

Of course, now that Jack was motivated, I had Janet and Chrissy to contend with…

CHRISSY: (Picture Chrissy Snow in the early episodes, not the snorting, goofy platinum blonde the character later became) I don’t know if it’s the heat or the “pops” (holding up a glass of something that definitely wasn’t soda) but I’m trippin’ balls!

Janet could see my discomfort, but it seemed to inspire her rather than steer her down a path of discretion..

JANET: (Picture Eliza Dushku as Janet) You’re thinking of balls because they’re going to be swingin’ in your face later, yo!

Jack just chuckled, Chrissy giggled, and I regretted joining my new friends in the guest elevator.

CHRISSY: Do you have any kids, Mr. Bellman? If you have a daughter I bet you’re hoping she doesn’t turn out like us!

Actually, at that moment I was torn between hugging my daughter and shaking her silly, but then my mind returned to my desk and my three calls. After the longest trip between towers ever, we arrived at the roomies’ new quarters.

But it wasn’t over yet.

One room short, Jack stopped dead in his tracks and began to empty the contents of his low-hanging pockets – all over the floor directly in front of another room.

JACK: I can’t find the new keys, you!”

JANET AND CHRISSY: (In unison) What’s the problem?

As the three Mensa candidates verbally sparred, I opened the door to their new room with my master key and set off downstairs to fetch them new keys.

  • I had to wait for the elevator going down.
  • I had to wait my turn at the Front Desk (Yes, even bellmen wait in line!)
  • I had to wait for the elevator to go back up.

In total, I had sacrificed more than thirty minutes dealing with this trio of moral degenerates and I knew that a major crap storm was waiting back at my desk. So when I got back to Jack, handed him the keys – again – and he said “Thanks, Boss! Can you believe I get to hammer these two chicks now?”, I was past my limit.

Way past.

THE HOOK: You know what I can’t believe? That a guy who could convince two girls to spend a weekend with him can’t hang onto a set of room keys for more than five minutes – yo!

Truthfully, I didn’t really pull off the “Yo!”, but at that point I wasn’t too concerned with authenticity.

I COULDN’T THINK OF A CLEVER HEADING, SO HERE’S A REVIEW

SHOUT-OUT TIME…

Benjamin Wallace is a new friend but a true one. Like Vina Kent, - and Jo Bryant before her – he’s come through with helpful tips and contacts where others have  brushed me off, in a friendly way, of course. Check his site out. He’s blazing a new trail for dumb, white husbands everywhere…

TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..

A shout-out to my blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

ONE LAST BIT OF NEWS…

The next chapter of my first foray into fiction is up and running at Wattpad. I have a long way to go as a fiction writer, and I could use all the constructive criticism I can get, so help me out, okay?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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55 Responses to The Hook Joins A Threesome!

  1. raisingdaisy says:

    Man, you really get them ALL, “yo”! ;)

  2. Now, my dear Hook… I’m quite sure VampireLover would definitely disagree with this statement.
    “I’ve never really had the desire to disappoint two women at the same time.”
    Not the ‘two women’ part, just the ‘disappoint’ aspect…! ;)

  3. As good as having “vampires” in the title!
    Laugh extravaganza today!

  4. renxkyoko says:

    Oh, my. LOL The people you get to meet, Mr. Hook. And yeah, my inappropriate thoughts are justified, he he he.

  5. mizqui says:

    The title alone threw my mind immediately in the gutter. What fun! Never a boring day with the Hook. All respect to the VampireLover, but you’ve certainly never disappointed me either. Ow! lol! Happy Monday baby, I’m still HOOK’ed.

  6. Jennifer says:

    Are you saying you wanted it to be fun…? The gutter makes life interesting… and I hope it’s not your daughter and my son…

  7. Ray's Mom says:

    Wow! that is all I have to say. How do you do it?

  8. I hope you washed your hands and your bell cart afterwards! Ewww, yo!

  9. Blown says:

    Looks like you’re a lucky pal… Such excellent company day after day… ;-)

  10. I just finished reading your sample at Amazon, and it was quite entertaining. I let out a guffaw – yes a guffaw – over this: “She just may be the original douchebag.” I’m hooked, I’m following, and I’m looking forward to more. I love the voyeuristic quality of stories from the bellman. :-)

  11. Only in the Falls! ;)

  12. Your comeback: priceless!

  13. TBM says:

    Yeah—I’m speechless. I would never have a snappy comeback until the next day.

  14. Val says:

    “I’m trippin’ balls!”
    What does this mean??? :-\

  15. >Get your minds out of the gutter, perverts; it wasn’t as much fun as it should have been, trust me.
    - What? That’s not what I signed up for. I want my money back!

    >You know what I can’t believe? That a guy who could convince two girls to spend a weekend with him can’t hang onto a set of room keys for more than five minutes – yo!
    - You know what I can’t believe? That people talk like that in real life. I thought they did that only in the movies. Yo ….wzer!

    >“I’ve never really had the desire to disappoint two women at the same time.”
    - Ha ha ha! Well, there’s one less woman disappointed for this cracker!

    Kate

    P.S.: How do you remember everything people say?

    P.P.S.: The squeaky wheel squeaks a ‘Merci beaucoup!’ for the RSS button. :-)

  16. mairedubhtx says:

    It’s difficult for me to wrap my mind around the concept that there are actually real people like those three in the world. Yuck!

  17. MissFourEyes says:

    I don’t think I use the word ‘Yo’ enough.
    You meet the best people, yo! And I bet you pulled off that last yo really well….yo!

  18. valleygirl96 says:

    Yo, thanks for the Tripper trip down memory lane, boooyyyyeeee! In truth the guy sounds more like the creepy dark-haired neighbor. If I didn’t work with people every day I would say you were making this crap up. Amazing!

  19. You really have the patience of a saint to deal with this. How did you keep a straight face through this whole shit show? And props to you for remembering these conversations, yo! I would have spent all my elevator waiting time furiously typing bits and pieces into my phone.

    • The Hook says:

      I don’t have a cell phone! I know, I know, but it’s true…
      Sometimes it’s tough to retain these memories; my mind is trying to block them out to protect me, but I have to fight back! It’s a pain sometimes…

  20. jakesprinter says:

    Beautiful post my friend :)

  21. Jeanne Heuer says:

    Yikes!

  22. Lafemmeroar says:

    ” modern-day versions of Janet, Chrissy and Jack “” Hilarious! Every line of this post had me laughing! You’ve got quite a job there Hook. Don’t ever give it up … ’cause it’s such great material for your blog :)

  23. leah says:

    Come and knock on our door…we’ve been waiting for you…glad to see you made it outta this episode too! In the theme of 70/80s tv I hope you get it.L.

  24. you have a great sense of humor!

  25. That was one crazy encounter!

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