THE HOOK: (Loading a microwave into a guest’s van) Where would you like this, sir?
THE HUSBAND: Put it anywhere you want, man…
THE WIFE: That’s what she said!
And that’s how my morning began…
My next call brought me tho the doorstep of an African-American couple with two young boys, both Urkel twins. They had the Coke bottle glasses, the striped Seventies shirts and even the suspenders. Fortunately for me, they also had the attitude down pat…
URKEL #1: How’s your day goin’, man?
THE HOOK: (Chuckling) Oh, pretty good, little man. I just started, but things have been… interesting so far.
URKEL #2: You just started? This is your first day?
THE HOOK: No, I mean I just started my shift.
They both let out an “OH!” and began to erupt into raucous laughter. You gotta love kids.
URKEL #1: So how do you like workin’ for “The Man”?
THE HOOK: Well, um, he’s always keepin’ me down, but I like it, I guess…
TOGETHER: Yeah, The Man is always keepin’ a brother down!
At that point Dad came out and ushered his precocious progeny back into the room “Get back in here – NOW!”
Don’t mess with Dad.
Unfortunately, the rest of my morning was as dead as Steve Guttenberg’s career. The late afternoon, however, was a different story; I arrived at a room, knocked… and waited. And waited. Finally, after assuming I had beaten the guests to the room, I used my master key, entered slowly and heard this:
“Take me, Lancelot! Take me!”
I’m sure many of you are contemplating a number of different scenarios that could have unfolded, but I chose discretion as the better part of valor and slowly (very slowly!) stepped back out into the hallway. I called the room from the hallway and a breathless, husky, female voice answered.
GIRL, INTERRUPTED: Hello? What can I do for you?
I stifled my urge to say “It sounds like you have your hands full already, sweet cheeks!”
THE HOOK: This the bellman; I’m in the hall with your bags, miss.
I can only imagine the expletives that were bounced off the walls after she hung up the phone and began reaching for whatever clothing was readily available..
I was greeted at the door by a gentleman – with no shirt, no shoes, and thanks to me, no service! He was in a good mood (and why wouldn’t he be, right?) and as I was unloading his bags, a young lady appeared: her hair was dripping with sweat and her cheeks were flushed. Guenevere had emerged!
GIRL, INTERRUPTED: (Handing over a sizable tip) Here you go, sweetie. Sorry for the wait.
THE HOOK: No problem. (You were otherwise occupied!)
As Guenevere returned to the back of the room, the gentleman took a moment to assess my adherence to the bellman’s code of discretion.
SHIRTLESS DUDE: Hey, boss, I noticed the door was open..
THE HOOK: Yes, I knocked but when no one answered I used my key, and announced my presence. When I noticed your jacket, I decided to go back into the hall and call the room.
SHIRTLESS DUDE: Oh good! I was a little worried there for a minute! We were.. well, don’t worry about it. You have a good day, boss.
THE HOOK: Not to worry, everything’s fine. You have a good day.. Lancelot.
You have no idea how much I wish I could have captured the look on his face…
TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..
A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…
CHECK IT OUT!!
My first foray into blogging minimalism, 1,001 Reasons Why Steve Sucks… is up and running. Give it a look-see, will you?
ONCE UPON A TIME… A NEW FAN PAGE WAS BORN!
It must run in the family. The Hook’s daughter has developed a taste for sci-fi/fantasy and so she has launched her own Facebook fan page for the ABC drama Once Upon A Time.
Fans of Once Upon A Time is a labor of love – and it shows. Check it out: fans of Tom Welling – and I know there are quite a few of you out there – will be pleased to see he’ll be making an appearance this season.
The bottom line is this: my daughter wants to rack up as many “likes” as she can, so help her out, okay?
- Want To See The Hook on Steven and Chris? The Hook Does… (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)
- To All Things An Ending… (thebookofterrible.wordpress.com)
- It Must Be Hell Being Jaleel White (therandomreport.wordpress.com)