There are days that serve to remind me how blessed I truly am to be in a position to see the best and worst humanity has to offer. Seriously. I can be deep sometimes, you know!
I recently lived through one such day. Shiny, happy people of all races and creeds passed through the hotel’s automatic doors and I was lucky enough to serve a few of them.
But those people are boring. The crazy people, however, are the ones worth writing about. Meet Pyscho-Man:
- He is of medium height and build – but with a beer gut, of course!
- Greasy, dirty blonde hair adorns his hunched frame.
- A stained Exxon Mobil sweatshirt works perfectly with his ripped jeans and cracked sneakers.
- A mysterious grin completes his look.
Pyscho-Man raced through the lobby at the height of check-out time with one purpose engraved into his jumbled, barely-coherent mind: secure and abscond with a luggage cart. At any cost.
Unfortunately for Pyscho-Man, a certain bellman happened to be standing five feet away as he made his getaway…
THE HOOK: Excuse me, sir, we don’t give out carts. I can help you if you like…
PM: (Still grinning) I don’t need any help! I’m checking in and I need a cart to load my bags up, that’s all!
THE HOOK: We are a full-service property, sir. A bellman will be happy to assist you. (Okay, “happy” was the wrong word to use, but what else could I say?)
PM: (Pointing at a family rummaging though a suitcase on a cart.) Those guys have their own cart -
THE HOOK: I’m actually helping them. They’re waiting for their car.
PM: Is it frakkin’ complimentary or do I have to pay you?
We’ll go geek and use the word “frakkin’” as a substitute for.. Well, you know.
THE HOOK: You don’t have to tip, sir. We’ll help you regardless.
PM: (Attempting to walk away with the luggage cart.) Frak this! I’ve got it!
THE HOOK: (Holding said cart – firmly.) I’m afraid you don’t, sir. You simply cannot walk through a door clearly marked “Employees Only” and grab your own cart. I’ll have someone help you, all right?
PM: Frak this!
Pyscho-Man stormed off – the grin wiped off his face – as my blood boiled. I mean, I was livid…
He lumbered through the lobby a few minutes later with three “lucky” friends in tow and twelve bags between them. A few minutes after that he returned (I was lucky enough to be on another call and way from the desk) and was forced to store his bags: his room wasn’t ready!
I preemptively refused to deliver his luggage when the time came. No one argued the point.
But wait! There’s more!
Seven glorious, pyscho-free hours later, the Best Guest of the Day returned. Everyone on duty was occupied with a call and the desk was unguarded… It was perfect! Except for a lone doorman we’ll call “A”…
“A”: (Observing Pyscho-Man attempting to steal a second cart – the one containing his bags!) Sir, can I help you?
PM: I’m just taking my bags!
“A”: You need a bellman to deliver those, sir. Do you have tag to prove those are your bags?
PM: (Produces tag and tries to walk away – again!) There! Now I’m goin’!
“A”: You still need a bellman, sir…
PM: Another two minutes and I’ve have been gone with them anyway!
He began to sound like a Scooby Doo villain after he realizes he’s been foiled by those meddling kids and their dog!
“A”: But I caught you didn’t I, sir?
PM: Yeah, you frakkin’ caught me!
Pyscho-Man finally relented and slugged his own bags upstairs – and he slugged them back down fifteen minutes later after he decided to switch rooms!
A TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: NEVER attempt to check in at check out time and then make a second attempt seven hours later! The best rooms are long gone by that time. You can always secure a prime room over the phone while you’re out for the day.
Pyscho-Man decided to throw-down with the Front Desk staff as well; it is a very bad idea to piss off the people who are booking your room, by the way…
But that’s another story.
AND NOW… SOME FREE SWAG!!!
Mark your cyber-calendars, folks…. My first free giveaway of The Bellman Chronicles runs September 10 – 11! As part of Amazon’s KDP Select program, I get a five-day window to share my work with the world for the low, low price of absolutely nothin’!
A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…
- The Bellman Chronicles Goes “Live” – At Last! (youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com)