A guest recently asked me, “Which guests are cheaper, men or women?”
There is no easy answer; gender is not indicative of kindness or consideration towards others. While women are certainly the more gentle of the species, the younger specimens I have encountered this year tend to be more primitive than ever.
Truthfully, there are A LOT of crazy witches out there.
On Saturday nights the hotel becomes “Bachelorette Central” and you see a steady stream of merchandise pass through the front doors that once would have been considered forbidden. I say “forbidden” because no self-respecting young lady – or man for that matter – would have considered displaying it in public.
But kids just don’t care any more. Yes, I’ve become your grandfather, so what? It’s true. Just look at this list; I have to handle these items every Saturday…
- Erotic cakes – with unrealistic proportions!
- Blow-up dolls – equally unrealistic!
- Sex toys – with, well you get the point by now…
- Tons of cheap booze. Nothing says “classy get-together with the girls” like wine in a box.
- Handcuffs, of the furry variety of course.
- Pink party paraphernalia. (Alliteration rules!)
I think I’ve made my point, don’t you? I’m happy to serve as needed.. Okay, maybe I’m not always “happy” – to say the least - but I do the job as needed. However, any red-blooded North American male would get a little dejected after years of hauling plastic love dolls and phallic-shaped baked goods up and down hotel corridors. Of course, the one thing that makes it all worthwhile is the gratuity.
Assuming you receive a gratuity that is. That brings me to today’s tale…
FRANK THE DOORMAN: Hook, I’ve got a bunch of girls here that need a bellman. Oh yeah, they said they have a little cooler in the back seat.
Such a simple declaration, yes? But of course, chaos unfolded once I answered his call. Their “little cooler” was an extra large camping cooler that, as I painfully discovered, weighed more than my daughter, her two dogs and my wife combined!
Pain shot through my 42-year-old frame as I lifted the cooler from Hell out of the back seat of their Honda and onto my bell cart. Incidentally, I swear I saw the cart buckle once the cooler left my aching hands. I’m too young to be complaining of an aching back!
CLUELESS FEMALE: Oh yeah, the cooler is a little heavy, isn’t it?
My professional side (yes, I have one!) took hold and I kept The Hook under control… I learned long ago that Upper Management frowns upon assaults directed at our guests, even the stupid ones. Robert the bellman recorded the room number, dragged his overloaded cart down far too many corridors and delivered the cooler from Hell to its clueless party girl owners.
CLUELESS FEMALE: You can put it in the other room.
Yeah, right. Another ironic statement. I would have busted my “O ring” hauling that cooler to the other side of a suite! A QUICK TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: When traveling, remember to fill the cooler with ice AFTER you arrive! If the establishment in question does not have an ice machine, you’ll need to put down the bottle and use more care when picking a place to sleep…
THE HOOK: Here’s good.
The cooler dropped like a Kardashian in a library (think about it!), and once I twisted my back into an upright position I awaited my financial payoff.