The Hook on…. Hookers!

To clarify, The Hook has never actually been “on” a hooker.

Truthfully, even if I was single I wouldn’t have that kind of money.

It’s a quiet Saturday but hookers have been on the collective tongue of the hotel – so to speak.

10 A.M

Two foreign hookers, one old and very used, the other young – for now – and soon-to-be very used, fidgeted in the lobby while their young johns sat down and celebrated their “victory”. The hookers in question were sporting the same trashy outfits and make-up from the previous night and so they stood out in the crowd. I only wish I could have pulled these guys aside and offered then a patented “Hook Tip”.

ANOTHER TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: Never hang out in the lobby – alone or otherwise – and celebrate a night of cheap, drunken, clumsy sex with dirty, foreign prostitutes . You don’t want the world to know you lack the skills necessary to attract a mate who will emulate a prostitute for you.

It’s much more satisfying to land a “Good Girl” who can be an Angel in public and a Devil behind closed doors.

This tip applies to my next guest as well.

12:10 P.M.

He was a white male (Black guys rarely employ hookers. Why is that?) going on fifty. She was a hooker of a different stripe…

  • Very furry. A fur hat and coat, that is!
  • Big, trashy sunglasses.
  • Extremely high-cut boots.
  • And most important of all, she had that “hooker vibe” emanating from her like cheap perfume! You know, that “I’m better than you because my vajayjay has a ticket window!” type of look and behavior?

This lovely couple wasn’t actually rude to me – although they did opt to remove half the booze and small bags from the cart after we’d loaded it – but my instincts were screaming “Cut and Run!” so I did just that! My replacement didn’t attempt to throttle me upon his return so I can only assume the call was without incident.

For him, anyway. If it had been me who knows what might have gone down? Maybe that was a poor choice of words – or maybe not.

1:30 P.M.

My fellow employees keep me in the loop with hotel happenings – everyone loves to “rap” with The Hook – so I still get to enjoy the craziness that unfolds on a daily basis, even if I’m not directly involved.

A nondescript mom in her forties checks in, family in tow, and proceeds to send dad and the little urchins to the pool so she can have some “alone time”. In this case that means a photo shoot.

It seems “June Cleaver” moonlights as an escort. But wait, there’s more! She has gone digital: website and all! And so she was hosting a photo shoot in her room – fully nude, of course – to “showcase her product”.

I really have to install cameras in these rooms; that’s where the real money is….

Barbara Billingsley

June 9. 2012 10a-7p
Scotiabank Convention Centre
Niagara Falls. Ontario. Canada

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2012, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

119 Responses to The Hook on…. Hookers!

  1. eva626 says:

    High cut boots are always a sign!!!

  2. You like the “angel in public,devil in bed” type too? :)

  3. Ooh, I’m one of the angels in public aren’t I? I never thought of it like that… kinda nice ; )
    Great ‘made me smile’ post again! Good work!

  4. Woman says:

    “ticket window” vagina???? LOL!!!!!

  5. susielindau says:

    Who knew?? The June Cleaver look-a-like making a mula for the little family..priceless!

  6. raisingdaisy says:

    OMG do these “moms” with “extra curricular activities” that they so boldly display on websites think their kids are computer illiterate and will never find out??? DUHHHHH!

  7. Smaktakula says:

    The Hook alleges never to have been ‘on’ a hooker. But there are several other prepositional possibilities that the Hook has yet to deny! — Under, about and (shudder) inside among others.

  8. sonsothunder says:

    Wow, you may want to think of going into writing country songs with words like…Angel in the Lobby, and devil behind closed doors…Oh well, yeah it’s a little over done in that genre I suppose.
    The world really doesn’t seem to mind who is seen in public with whom…didn’t seem to keep Hugh Grant from landing Box Office hit roles… Although, I didn’t go see any of them.
    Have a great day

  9. I knew a girl named Nikki….

  10. granny1947 says:

    It’s three o’clock in the morning here and you still made me smile!!!

  11. muddledmom says:

    Gee, I feel like I’m such a boring hotel guest.

  12. Jeannie says:

    Well. Now that we know about “June”, I have to wonder about “Ward”…

  13. Funny post – the continuous circus there!

  14. rweinstein6 says:

    Wow. June becomes Miss July.

  15. jennifet says:

    This is where the song “love In an elevator” comes to mind.

  16. Jo Bryant says:

    How is nondescript mom gonna feel if one day junior finds her website…eeeuuuuwwww

  17. dogear6 says:

    I strongly suspect that if you were ever “on” a hooker, your vampire queen would have a rather nasty reaction to it. It’s a good thing you made that clear right up front that you didn’t do that!

  18. I’m not sure this was the best post to read before going to bed… I might have nightmares, lol! You’re sooo hilarious, loved your vejajay comment.. and I could just picture those gals. Very strange for a mom to bring along her kids while having a photo shoot… I guess she wanted to get their money’s worth for booking the suite;)

  19. sonsothunder says:

    “The Hook alleges never to have been ‘on’ a hooker. But there are several other prepositional possibilities that the Hook has yet to deny! — Under, about and (shudder) inside among others”.

    They call him Hookster, Hookster, faster than lightning…
    No one you see, is smarter than he…
    We know if VampireLover, Get’s wind of this cover…
    We may discover…Hook under the sea…

    Hehehe… Just kidding…

  20. Little Miss says:

    Oh so ‘the hook’ isn’t short for the hooker? Oh I am disappointed now!

  21. (stupid phone, or stupid blog, I commented hours ago and it is not here..)
    as I said…
    this bring the song “love in an elevator” to mind… livin’ it up while we’re going.. down…

  22. TBM says:

    You always make me laugh and have excellent travel tips!

  23. iamnotshe says:

    Furry hookers sounds really fascinating. Ticket window, Hook?

    What a fun, freakin’ job watching June and the Hooker run in and out of your workplace each and every day. The men need to spice it up a bit ;-)

  24. aFrankAngle says:

    Easy to get mental pics of these scenes, but the ending (cameras in the room) … priceless!

  25. So funny, I was just reading about soccer moms hosting porn websites as a “home business” – June Cleaver indeed ! Wonder how much I can make……;)

  26. Hook,
    Enjoyed your piece! Is this a new direction for you?
    Cliff

  27. The Hobbler says:

    Yeah, the “going down” comment might have been a little misplaced. I can’t believe that last one…what in the world has happened to people? Please…every hooker who reads these comments…you should be off the market once you have kids.

  28. Well; that’s something we certainly have in common…. I haven’t ever paid for my lovin’…… ;)

  29. renxkyoko says:

    Mr. Hook, some hotels don’t allow hookers to hang around? Or just like in Pretty Woman, the ” companion ” becomes her Uncle….. In any case, I ‘m conflicted about not allowing hookers to hang around in hotel lobbies, esp. if they’re ” escorted “. Wthout company, hookers hanging around is doing something illegal, I presume… like ” solicitation.” * sigh * I ‘m not disgusted with hookers. I pity them.

  30. Caroline says:

    Those are definitely signs! I was at CVS the other night and there was yes, a white male, with an extremely skinny woman who was in a tight black dress, cheap jewelry and these horrific clear platform heels. Oh, she had a fro too haha.

  31. jennygoth says:

    whats the difference between an escort and a hooker the price maybe but both do the same deed just the escort gets more money for the same job the escort wears draws and the hooker doesnt like an ever ready battery lol very entertaining hook your blog i mean xxjen

  32. A photo-shoot?! With the kids in the vicinity?? That’s bananas.

  33. edrevets says:

    Has a chimpanzee ever checked into the hotel and caused incredibly cute mischief and mayhem?

  34. munchow says:

    You prose is just getting better and better. Next post should be a poem, I think. A very special Hooker’s poem. When you get those cameras up, please don’t be shy (I know you aren’t)…

  35. Haha, you have some of the strangest encounters! Video shoots in a hotel room? Did you by chance see this fellow there: http://clothesonfilm.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/The-Big-Lebowski_Ben-Gazzara_white-linen-suit.bmp.jpg

  36. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    “… attract a mate who will emulate a prostitute for you” – you’re a scream, Hook.

    Vajayjay!! Love it. And I didn’t know your observation that black men aren’t as much into hookers. Very interesting, that.

    How interesting it was to read your early writings :) People watching is INFINITELY interesting. The only thing is, on holidays you must be aware how much the bell hops are sizing you up. Sprung!

  37. Yatin says:

    The title did confuse for a second. Realized soon that the “hook” here is a noun and not a verb!

  38. giselzitrone says:

    Hook super Grüsse lieb und einen schönen Sonntag Herzlicher Gruss Gislinde.

  39. you are so naughty… :P

  40. lorrelee1970 says:

    I would love to be a fly on the wall where you work.

  41. azphoenix says:

    Your blog never fails to entertain and engage! Love it! So much I’ve nominated you for the 7 x 7 award :) http://azphoenix.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/thank-you-7-x-7-link-award-nomination/. You rock!

  42. Androgoth says:

    What a Hooking good story :)
    Now that we know all the ins
    and outs of these girls, our
    education is definitely being
    revitalised… by the way if a
    pun or two shows up in this
    comment it was intended :)

    Have a great rest of weekend
    Hook and keep adding to this
    fine Space that you have :)

    Androgoth

    • The Hook says:

      I’ll keep on keepin’ on, my Dark Warrior ally! You do the same!

      • Androgoth says:

        Yes I will, but that will have
        to be for later my good friend…

        I will catch up with you and all
        your dark wickedness at a later
        time but do keep those gets, I
        mean guests in check and don’t
        be taking any crap from them
        either… Have fun Hook :) ;)

        Androgoth

      • The Hook says:

        Always a pleasure, Dark Warrior!

  43. amiarting says:

    it is always entertaining to read your posts.

    http://www.amiarting.wordpress.com

  44. “You know, that “I’m better than you because my vajayjay has a ticket window!””
    Best line EVER!

  45. Pingback: All That Glitters ….. « Memoirs of an Evil Stepmom

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