It IS Christmas, Right?

I keep checking my calendar; I can’t help it.

My home is beautifully decorated. My dogs have their treats under the tree. My daughter even has a brand-new Christmas light-up sweater – courtesy of VampireLover, of course! There isn’t any snow yet, but that’s actually a good thing.

So why am I filled with white-hot rage towards humanity?

One word.

Douchebags.

The word’s popularity these days is telling in and of itself. Some people have split it in two, but it will always be a singular description of humanity’s bottom feeders to The Hook. They have begun to gather in large numbers – never a good sign for the Christmas holiday season at a hotel – and I fear they may dominate my call sheet.

And considering how deathly quiet it has been so far, that is a fear I simply cannot afford to have come true. My humble place of business should be alive with the sounds of hungry, restless travelers. Instead it’s as busy as the production offices of “Justine Bieber: Uncut. The Not-So-Full-Length XX Feature!” 

In other words, my  hotel is DEAD.

I’ve seen fifteen years of holiday seasons, and I have never witnessed a forecast that was short by 400 rooms! And the guests we are getting? To say they have been of poor quality would be an understatement of Biblical proportions. There was the lady that requested the “luggage transport-type thingy”. I explained the protocol, but she countered with “So is there a charge for that?”

Only a real douchebag asks if there is a charge. I countered with “No miss, you can leave a gratuity if you like, but there is no actual charge.” She then called down twice from her room and it was necessary to explain everything all over again. The end result?

She took help. And she stiffed the poor bastard I sent up there. Merry Christmas, right?

Then there was the “gentleman” who left me standing behind his “Mini-van from Hell” until I was blue in the face – literally! The cold kept me hopping, a fact that went largely unnoticed by my clueless guest. He simply allowed me to grab whatever I felt was of importance; until I forced his hand and left the two baby strollers and boots behind!

He had no choice but to spend a few more minutes in the cold with me. Finally, his wife emerged from inside the hotel and shouted “Don’t forget the kids’ coats!” To which he responded “Where are they?”

“In the van, of course! Where else would they be?”

He insisted they weren’t there and so they went back and forth as the blood continued to freeze in my veins. Finally, she realized the coats were not in the van at all; they were at home! At least they got to check out the local Wal-Mart.

The lobby began to fill up – slooowly – as another problem began to emerge; guests who have no idea just why the hotel lobby is decorated at all!

I have no problem with the large number of foreign guests that make their way past my desk; Christmas may mean nothing to them – hence the ridiculous superiority of “Happy Holidays” over “Merry Christmas” – but they should recognize the significance of the season to Canadians.

From a financial standpoint Christmas is like a vise that gets tighter by the second. The credit card bills grow more overwhelming with every purchase we feel we have to make to “celebrate the season”. And so we become selfish – especially when traveling. We’ll spend thousands on gifts but we refuse to throw a few dollars at some poor fool who is simply trying to make a few dollars so he can dig his own financial hole.

I ask you, what kind of rat bastard stiffs someone at Christmas? 

To be clear, I have no problem with foreigners. My negative views stem from encounters with cheap people of all backgrounds and colors. In fact, looking back at my “work” here I feel somewhat ashamed, but not enough to erase anything I’ve written. I’m as flawed as the next guy – although some people make me look like a saint!

Case in point: a family of three – two seniors and a daughter in her thirties – were attempting to snag an elevator before “those brown people got onboard.” I kid you not, they were almost running. I decided to hold the door as it closed and wave on the aforementioned “brown people.”

It was a great moment in my personal history.

Overall my life has been pretty darn good these days, it’s true. I just find it disheartening to see so many Scrooges at a time when we all need to be thankful for whatever we have.

Anyone who is traveling across North America with malice in their hearts should book a trip to North Korea. I’m sure they’d love to have you – for target practice.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

48 Responses to It IS Christmas, Right?

  1. El Guapo says:

    Ass-hattery. transcending borders, nations, languages and social strata.
    Our alien overlords must be so proud.

    Hang in there, and hope it picks up for you soon, in a good way.

  2. susielindau says:

    Merry Christmas Hook! May your hotel lobby and your tip jar be full!

  3. The mini-van scene — classic. Reminds me of the tourists standing in front of the ice cream freezer during the summer forever, while I wait for them to decide what kind they want. “Don’t mind me, I just live here all year and truly have nothing better to do than watch you take your vacation.”

  4. munchow says:

    May all your room soon be all booked by angels who know how to treat human beings. The bright side: At least there is never a dull moment at your hotel – so it seems. Merry Christmas to you!

  5. Love your work always as you well know, but the last line especially makes me grin! I wish you and yours a very merry Christmas!

  6. Oh no, the Grinches are out in force! Hope things improve soon, I hope that really big tipper is just right around the corner to help save Christmas. Have a beautiful Christmas with your family, Hook!

  7. kewsmith says:

    I live in sort of a fantasy world and I expect people to be kind to each other. I still am confounded by how rude people can be. I hope the rest of your Christmas season is full of joyfuily unexpected acts of kindness towards you.

  8. Kudos to you for holding that elevator door! Hope the tips start flowing.

  9. eva626 says:

    LOL….oh those brown people

    you gota lov’em Hook. Happy holidays once again…I think I said this like so many times already haha

  10. nicole says:

    something about your description of the “daughter” being “in her thirties” truly added perfect character to their little threesome. my mind is now thinking so many things about that family! about why the girl in her thirties is traveling with her parents at christmas time . . . about the family’s business . . . about how much they would tip you and of how they’d feel about the tip and tipping in general. my mind is going in all sorts of directions! happy christmas, hook! x

  11. jakesprinter says:

    It`s Christmas ,Happy Christmas to you my friend :)

  12. mj monaghan says:

    My new-found Hook friend, may the spirit of kind people interject the Hook realm. Visions of sugar plums dance through your head during this season. And may no douche bags prevail. Amen and amen! Happy Christmas and Cheers to you, my friend! Look forward to more Hook-ventures in the new year.

  13. granny1947 says:

    Take a big breath and go Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
    there…doesn’t that feel better?
    Have a wonderful Christmas Hook.

  14. sayali611 says:

    Merry Christmas..Hope you have a good one :)

  15. xeriouslywtf says:

    it seems Christmas spirit doesn’t affect everyone after all. stay strong and keep your piece concealed, unless absolutely necessary. the North Korea passage, wonderfully conceived. merry Christmas Hook.

  16. mairedubhtx says:

    The holiday season seems to bring out both the best and the worst in people. Strange. By the way, your daughter’s Christmas tree sweater is adorable. Merry Christmas to you and Vampire Lover and your daughter. Enjoy the day.

  17. Happy Holidays! Wishing you and your family a joyous holiday season.

    I heart Tim Hortons and drive thrus and Canada at Christmastime.

  18. breezyk says:

    Merry Christmas, Hook! And I agree- down with douchebags! Lord knows I get enough of them in my profession……

  19. brittany220 says:

    Douchebags continue to be douchebags during the holiday season huh? Not really surprised, but good luck dealing with them until the end of the season! And Merry Christmas, Hook! Hope you have a good one with your family and loved ones. :)

  20. jlheuer says:

    Too bad you didn’t spot some “yellow people” and “red people” and “black people” to wave on to join you in the elevator. Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men and women.

  21. dogear6 says:

    I’m always amazed at how nasty people can be and on the flip side, how kind and considerate they are. While traveling this weekend, we watched a waiter just get ripped by the table in front of us. As far as we could see, he did nothing wrong. He certainly was great waiting on us. We complained to the manager on the way out about how the other table mistreated their help. Turns out they’d complained about the waiter, so we offered our side of what we saw.

    Been missing you at my blog. I’ve moved it now to http://www.livingtheseasons.com.

    Nancy

  22. Vika says:

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Hope things turn up better at work for you soon.

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