Do you feel that?
The universe is shifting; the balance of things has turned in The Hook’s favor.
If you’ve been paying attention you’ll see that my last few posts have achieved an equilibrium. It’s true, I’ve had the usual annoying, cheap buggers in my path but there have also been some truly decent, fun individuals along the way as well.
And now I’ve encountered a trio that defies convention.
They weren’t miserable by any means, nor were they decent. There were indecent - but in a fun way! When a valet driver runs in and tells you he’s a got a “big tipper” outside, you know you’re in for a fun ride.
Sure enough, this big, strapping blonde, “surfer dude-type” reaches out for a BIG handshake and introduces himself by name. People just don’t do that as often these days, so I knew this was going to be fun. And it was. His two female companions were equally blonde and even pretty, so the fun factor was upped by 200%!
FUN GUY: We’ve got all these crazy contraptions here, my friend! If you could take them up and get us some apples, we’d be eternally grateful?
Apples? And their “contraptions” were run-of-the-mill suitcases, but it was his party so I wasn’t about to argue.
FUN GIRL #1: Yeah, there really should be apples out here!
FUN GAL #2: Yeah, yeah! There should be a Suggestion Box!
THE HOOK: Which room are you in, folks?
They were having waaay too much fun to answer me, instead they took off like a bolt of greased lightning! I caught up to them a minute later and simply followed along as they bounced along down the hall. Most of their conversation was non-sensical giggling gibberish to me – they had their own private code – but finally they stopped dead in their tracks.
FUN GAL #1: Where are we going anyway?
FUN GAL #2: Yeah, where are we going?
FUN GUY: I have no idea! You could torture me with a variety of household chemicals and a feather duster and I still wouldn’t be able to tell you! I’ll just get behind this guy and he’ll know…
THE HOOK: Absolutely nothing! You didn’t tell me which room you were in, folks!
FUN GUY: Well, I’ll just whip this out -
THE HOOK: I prefer you not do that , sir…
ALL: Aww! You’re sharp!
He pulled out his key packet and we realized they were moving in the wrong direction! As we stood waiting for the right elevators they whispered to each other and then he put one arm around me and hugged me close, realclose!
FUN GUY: You want to come swimming with us later? What do you say?
THE HOOK: I’m sure it will be a blast, but sadly, I must decline your offer.
Saved by the elevator! We embarked on a ride that was filled with more non-sensical conversation.
FUN GUY: I’m starving! We should get one of those, what did you call them?
FUN GAL #1: A Kobe beef ball?
FUN GUY: Yeah!
They proceeded to describe this concoction made up of several pounds of Kobe beef molded into a ball – apparently it’s a big hit with the Dr. Seuss-worshipping crowd! Actually, Dr. Seuss isn’t all that accurate; being in their presence was more akin to dining with the Mad Hatter and his cronies – if they were young and hot!
Just an aside: hot crazy chicks make me incredibly uncomfortable – in my professional capacity at least – but at least they’re nice to look at.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the Terrible Trio and their wild ride.
So we arrive at the room (finally!) and everyone just freezes . After the longest minute of my life I decide to step up..
THE HOOK: Perhaps we should.. go in… now?
ALL THREE: OH YEAH!
I honestly expected the Kool-Aid guy to come bursting through one of the walls! At least that would have given me an excuse to extricate myself from the situation. However, I had to forge ahead; my charges had me unload the bags before they informed me of the fact they had in fact booked two rooms!
We sorted that out and then the gentleman informed me I could return in the middle of the night and slip into bed… with him!
FUN GUY: If you like, that is…
THE HOOK: That’s very nice of you, sir. Most people just offer me money.
FUN GAL #2: Oh! How much?
THE HOOK: Well that depends -
FUN GAL #1: On what?
THE HOOK: How much Wild Turkey it takes to drown out the memory of the call…
Once again, they stood transfixed…
And then they let out a boisterous round of laughter that reinforced the Tea Party reference. A few bills were peeled off a rather large wad and slapped into my hand with a hearty “Attaboy!”
We exchanged our goodbyes; I amended my usual “Just let us know if you need anything at all.” with an “If you need anything at all, towels, extra pillows, more opium, just speak directly into the television. It doesn’t even need to be on!”
They loved that.
FUN GUY: What if we want to reach you directly?
THE HOOK: Just dial 666 on the phone.
ALL: Good one!
Well, that’s my tale. Make of it what you will. It’s all true, although I must admit many of the real gems my new friends spouted were lost in my confusion and amazement; it’s not every day I get to serve guests directly from Wonderland.
From the Rabbit Hole, I’m The Hook.