A BRIEF RECAP: Last Sunday was a success – by my standards – although the week that followed was dominated by VampireLover’s all-too-mortal illness.
Let’s see what the next Sunday had to offer, shall we?
I channeled my inner zombie, lumbered into work and crawled to my desk – the Saturday night shift was not kind – and attempted to steel myself for the coming storm of madness. The first phone call to the Bell Desk was a little surreal; the male caller was a little too friendly for a Sunday morning! Just imagine the Seinfeld universe’s Newman and then you’ll get the drift.
HAPPY MALE CALLER: Hello, Hook!
I still don’t know how he knew I was “The Hook” – he wasn’t a regular – but his uncanny impersonation threw me right off. I recovered quickly and sent him one of my colleagues who said he seemed normal. Oh well.
Next up was a rambunctious football fan in a Molson SUV – it actually had the logo all over it - who had ten cases of beer to transport from the back of the hotel to the front. He had a party limo bus waiting, although the heavy-set, sweaty, bearded guy leaning against it gave him a moment of hesitation.
RAMBUNCTIOUS FOOTBALL FAN: Are… you.. the driver?
CRAZY DRIVER: Yeah, I’m Lou! How are ya?
My guest and I just looked at each other, his concern growing with every second. Nevertheless, we unloaded the beer and I began to walk away, my first stiff of the day just starting to sting, when he caught up to me.
RFF: Do you think I’ll be okay with this guy?
THE HOOK: It’s 8 am and he’s already sweating – in November. Most likely you’re going to die, sir. Have a nice day.
You want words of reassurance? TIP ME!
An hour passed by, as did dozens of cheap travelers, their Coach bags and laundry baskets in tow. Finally, I received a call from a perky female who called me “Luv” and requested I store her bags.
PERKY FEMALE: (Greeting The Hook at the door with a smile! Seriously.) Just watch this box…
THE HOOK: Let me guess, it contains wine, correct?
PERKY FEMALE’S COMPANION: Yes, we don’t want it dropped! We’d be sad!
THE HOOK: At the very least!
PF: Oh, we don’t get mad. We’re lovers, not fighters!
She then handed me five dollars.
THE HOOK: When pretty young ladies tip me, they can be anything they like!
PFC: You’re funny!
From bad to good. I was on a roll, which I thought for sure was in jeopardy when I arrived at my next call: four young high-maintenance “hotties”. At least, that’s how they described themselves when I assisted them the night before. They looked like a young, less haggard version of the Sex and the City gals! The notable exception was their diversity; two of them were white and two were Persian, an interesting mix.
To their credit, they weren’t hung over or hanging off a crew of greasy losers. However, when we met up at their car, they were asking each other for change. Never a good sign. They popped the trunk on their little Mazda and sure enough, it was filled with miscellaneous crap. Time to break out the packing skills.
THE HOOK: I’m just going to take a few things out to make some room…
Persian #1: NO, STICK IT IN NOW!
She immediately began giggling, which set the whole crew off on a tangent. I decided to play along.
THE HOOK: You enjoyed that did you?
WHITE GIRL #1: Oh yeah, she’s a bossy bitch! She bossed around a homeless kid once!
They continued to giggle so I returned to my duties and was rewarded with a “Look at you! You rock!” from all four of them. Oh, and three dollars. The day got quiet after that – deathly quiet – until the roar of check-in time began. I then realized my good day was a gift from Above, for storm clouds were gathering on the horizon… a principal’s conference was scheduled for the next day.
- An air of superiority surrounds them. It’s stronger than that cheap perfume they wear!
- “Cheap” and “ungrateful” are two of the many words that come up a lot when they’re around.
- They make corporate douchebags seem tolerable!
- For educators, they are surprisingly unintelligent; navigating your way to the Front Desk without a GPS is not that difficult, people!
Don’t get me wrong, I applaud those brave souls who have chosen to guide today’s youth to mediocrity; I just wish they were as charitable to the rest of the world.
And finally, I have to tell you about the “Crazy Chick”. Just as my day was winding down, the phone rang and I found myself in the conversation from Hell.
THE HOOK: Bell Desk, how may I help you?
CRAZY CHICK: Yeah, I don’t know if you can help me, but are you the guy that helped the crazy chick earlier?
THE HOOK: I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific, miss.
CC: It can’t be you. You’d remember me! Anyway, I left my phone in the truck and I need it back.
THE HOOK: Well, we can call for your vehicle. If you give me the tag number…
CC: I dunno. I told you, I’m crazy!
THE HOOK: Right. I almost forgot. You sounded normal for a moment there, my mistake.
CC: I want the guy who helped me the first time to get it. Tell you the truth, I’m too wasted to come down there and get it myself! And I gave him $20, so he can bring it to me!
THE HOOK: I’ll try to track him down, miss. He’ll call you right back and get your information…
CC: What information? I dunno anything! I left the tag in the truck. You have my last name, so he can find it that way!Just be sure to tell the other guys it’s the Crazy Chick!
THE HOOK: Trust me, I will!
And that was my Sunday: not all bad, not all good, just unforgettable. As always.