Another day off for The Hook! This is becoming a habit.
I approach a high-end rental truck and the doorman quickly pulls me aside to inform me of the fact I was about to serve what could be the mother-of-all jackasses, an old-school Frenchman directly from France itself!
OLD SCHOOL FRENCHMAN: You speak French? (It was more of a loud declaration than a question!)
THE HOOK: I’m afraid not, sir.
OSF: Why not?
THE HOOK: Living in Ontario, I’ve never found it’s been necessary. Besides I was raised by a German grandmother.
He immediately surrendered.
Another day, another Frenchman! What are the odds?
ANOTHER FRENCHMAN: (On the phone) I need help with the luggage..
THE HOOK: Do you need to call for your car, sir?
AF: A cart? Yes, I need a cart!
THE HOOK: (Finally surrendering!) Okay, I’ll be right up, sir.
Then, when I actually make it to the room and load the bags…
AF: Why don’t you speak French?
THE HOOK: I honestly don’t know anymore, sir…
And that’s just one incident! Can you imagine the rest of my day?
Picture this: morning check-outs are wrapping up nicely, and most of the goofballs are on their way back to the trailer parks, complexes and rehab facilities, when suddenly the lobby sounds like the Howler Monkey habitat at the Toronto Zoo! This one little guy managed to channel one of the Three Tenors and belt out a series of screams that could take down a charging rhino!
I had to see if I could get the little guy to take a pause for the cause.
THE HOOK: (I started with the frazzled Mom) The little guy is feeling feisty this morning, right?
FRAZZLED MOM: That’s one way of putting it! My husband and other kids expect me to deal with him, but as you can see, he’s a handful.
THE HOOK: Well, he’s not that bad. He’s just practising to be an extra in the next Planet of the Apes movie!
Fortunately, she started roaring herself.
Two sweet old ladies approach the bell desk and ask me to take their bags out to their car. Sounds pretty routine, right?
I head out, my long legs providing me with a healthy head start, when I come upon two older gentlemen..
OLD GUY #1: (Inspecting the cart carefully), Smartass! How did you know those are our bags?
THE HOOK: (Surprised. – for once!) What did you just call me, sir?
I mean, I am a smartass, but how did he know that?
At that point, before the situation could escalate, the wives caught up with the husbands and everyone got their business sorted out. I skillfully loaded their vehicle, pocketed my tip and successfully dodged a bullet.
So my day had barely begun when VampireLover calls and informs me of some wonderful news..
VL: So do you want to know what your dog did this morning?
THE HOOK: My dog? I don’t like the sound of that!
VL: Chelsea, our lovely shih tzu, ripped the cushions off the green chair in the living room and then ripped out all the lining and stuffing!
THE HOOK: Lovely. Thanks for making my morning, dear!
VL: You’re welcome!
And so my morning was off to a rip-roaring start!
I then found myself waiting for our guest elevators ( a quicker route in the morning, despite the hordes of travellers!), when a little. portly boy of Asian persuasion decided it might be fun to continually push my cart against one of the elevator doors! This continued for a few minutes, despite the fact I launched a series of stern looks his way.
Finally, the door opened but as I made my way in, my new friend kept pushing.
Enough was enough.
THE HOOK: (With one arm held out and a stern look) Easy there, Egg Roll!
At that point his mother chimed in..
EGG ROLL’S MOM: (With thick accent) He no egg roll! (pause) He more like dumpling!
THE HOOK: How about Little Dumpling?
ERM: (Laughing hysterically!) That very good!
I’m lucky my customer service skills allow me to know just who I can needle and for how long!
Regular readers of this blog know this is the day when anything can, and often does, happen! You get all the leering dads and cranky, sexually frustrated housewives, ungrateful rambunctious kids, etc.
And I shouldn’t forget the groups of horny, high maintenance, twenty something females who drink entirely too much and think far too little!
Picture this: I’m standing at the door, waiting for one such group to finally finish bringing their cheap, imitation luggage to me, but every two seconds one of them hollers “Is that it, guys?” to the rest. She gets a loud ”YES!” back, but then someone brings another bag to the cart.
This goes on for ten full minutes (although it felt like thirty!), and then I get a “We’ll meet you downstairs in a couple of minutes.”
Let me tell you people, it’s ALWAYS more than couple of minutes.
Of course, we were getting swamped with calls by this time, so when two of the young ladies finally appeared, I struck like the mighty cobra.
THE HOOK: All set, ladies?
HIGH MAINTENANCE GIRL #1: We just want to have a smoke first. Besides, the car isn’t here.
THE HOOK: Are you sure?
HMG: (Turning around) Oh, there it is!
Yep, Sundays rock.
Well, that’s a wrap for another weekly recap of The Hook’s life. I’m going to go scrub my brain now.