Meet The Original Douchebag!

Tim Hortons restaurant. Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Image via Wikipedia

 My father-in-law, God bless him, is a retired widower who, like most people his age has a daily routine he follows faithfully.

Three times a day he heads out to the local Tim Hortons coffee shop for a cup of Joe.

Of course, “local’ is a relative term when you’re talking Timmies (As we Canucks call it), considering you can find one ever few miles. They’re like stupid people in the U.S – there’s one on almost every corner!

But I kid my Yankee friends, but that’s only because you’re bigger and more powerful, so words are all I have. Besides we gave you Superman and William Shatner!

 At any rate, my father-in-law has a friend he meets up with named Tim (Weird, huh?) and he and Tim are quite close.

Superman (comic book)

Image via Wikipedia

 

The problem, (you knew there’d be one, right?) lies with Tim’s girlfriend. I have nothing against seniors dating we all get lonely, but sometimes we need top remember that our choices affect those around us as well.

Tim’s companion Jan, is a dried-up, wrinkled, half-deaf, half-blind old biddie who can drive a person to murderous rage within minutes! If the Pope met Jan, he’d schedule an exorcism within a half-hour! Here some of the highlights of spending time with her..

  • She constantly asks in a loud old lady voice, “YOU’RE NOT WORKING TODAY?”
  •  She watches every..single..bite you eat in front of her.
  • She stares at you like a deer in headlights.
  • She laughs like a mental patient – and not a fun mental patient, either!

This woman isn’t just a douchebag, she’s so old, she just may be the Original Douchebag!

I don’t accompany my father-in-law on his coffee runs that often, but I’ve had one too many encounters with this she-devil for my taste. The last time, I decided enough was enough, especially after she referred to my daughter, Sarah as “weird”.

 THE HOOK: Jan have you ever seen a White Light?

JAN: No, I can’t say as I have.

THE HOOK: Would you like to?

There’s something to be said for the direct approach, right?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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69 Responses to Meet The Original Douchebag!

  1. But did she UNDERSTAND? Hehehehe…you are so bad, I LOVE it…

  2. Our Tim Hortons are full of old men with nothing better to do, but they usually leave their “douchebags” at home…

    I’m a little confused about this particular “douchebag”‘s name, Hook…is she “Fran” or “Jan” (just in case I ever run into her…I’ll have to run the other way!).

    Wendy

  3. Brenda says:

    OMG! Just LMAO!!

  4. inidna says:

    Ha, this totally brightened up the end of my very overworked day/night. You’re awesome.

  5. Tom Huff says:

    I thought I was the “Original”
    dang!

  6. misplacedboy says:

    OK…3 things:
    1. I resemble your anti-American remarks. Our stupid people aren’t out on street corners, they’re in Congress.
    2. Superman is only half Canadian, but you did give us Shatner for which we are eternally…..in…..your…..debt.
    3. A Canadian once described Tim Horton’s to me as “Like your Winchells, but with better coffee.

  7. You’ve written about Timmy’s! Oh god … I miss them terribly. Thanks for the memories. :)

  8. Ironic Mom says:

    I think this is a double-double problem. Just sayin.

  9. mizqui says:

    Whew!!!!! LOL! Not The Original DOUCHEBAG? I’m dying in laughter over here.

    She called ur daughter weird? lol! And suddenly you turned into Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Ghost Whisperer (offering to show her the light). lol!

    Whew!

    My eyes are watering over here!

    You got me! lol!

    I’m HOOKED. :)

  10. JRD says:

    I sometimes wonder if Tim Horton’s wasn’t constructed as a sort of community center, to keep the elderly off the streets and out of trouble – without timbits and watery coffee our society might be overrun by dentured miscreants on mobility scooters.

  11. mindslam says:

    That was really funny…there are alot of old people that could fit that bill. My wife & step-daughter tease me all the time about being old because I’m 41 & my wife is 31. My dad is fixing to be 72 & he always sees some older people driving like crap & he tells me that if he ever gets that way to take his keys away! There are alot like what you descibed, but alot of really sweet ones too. I only 1 Grandma left living & she will be 98 this year….the sweetest old girl that you would ever meet! Great post buddy!

  12. writernubbin says:

    I know about old biddies…here’s a tip, they were mean and ornery when they were younger; getting older only makes it worse–almost like they feel entitled to be old biddies!! Lead her to the light Hook!

  13. Woman says:

    I am a Canadian but I have never in my life called it Timmie’s or Timmy’s unless we were impersonating Timmy from South Park. We usually called it Horny Tim’s. Could explain oh so many things!!!

    That woman sounds like a ripe old mean bat.

  14. xeriouslywtf says:

    William Shatner is my favourite Canadian. I met him last weekend, very exciting. Celine Dion is my least favourite human being. Your country has range.

  15. oldancestor says:

    Two things:

    1. Funny as usual

    2. Dude, I did a Superman blog today too. How weird?

    3. You won’t find a stupid American on every corner. They tend to group together.

    4. Who are you pulling for in the Stanley Cup playoffs?

    • The Hook says:

      1. Thanks!
      2. That’s too weird for words.
      3. They do group together – they’re called political parties..or boy bands.
      4. Dude, I’m too busy blogging and raising a family, and serving douchebags to watch hockey.

  16. doronio says:

    Well done, well done. So funny that you could make a thousand more jabs at Americans and I wouldn’t care.

    And say what? Superman is Canadian? The things I learn…

    • The Hook says:

      Yep, two boys from Toronto created the Man of Might. The Daily Planet was first called the Daily Star after the Toronto Star, a Canadian paper.

  17. http://www.p90x-dvd-workout.com is a home exercise system developed by Tony Horton in conjunction with Beachbody and director Mason Bendewald. It claims to improve physical fitness in 90 days through a rigorous segmented training

  18. 36x37 says:

    Why would anyone call a child, “weird”? That’s heartless. Next time, pelt her with Timbits.

  19. belknits says:

    Here’s my list:
    1. My daughter would relish being called weird (also 9 years old).
    2. I’ve never EVER called it Timmy’s!
    3. Jan sounds like an “interesting” lady. You should stare right back at her next time and have a contest! —-> 8P

  20. eva626 says:

    poor lady…i hope it nevr happens to me!

  21. mbwilliams says:

    Don’t do it Hook!!!! I have to admit though, old people that have not become wise and kind, but instead wizened and mean do need to take a long hard look into a bright white light and decided why they’re still here!

  22. acrankywomansview says:

    haha- “canuck” lol- <3 it! I'm a yank but, I went to 3 years of bible school in Canada so, I have a special placed carved in my heart for you Canucks ;) and for Timmy's which has infiltrated the US so, I don't have to go on a day trip just to get a timbit;)

  23. Would you like to?

    Ahahahaha. You did not. Did you really say that?

  24. I was so relieved as I read on that the “original douchebag” wasn’t your father-in-law. That lady sounds awful!

    P.S. Now you’ve got me wanting to stop at Tim Hortons while we’re in Canada. :)

  25. Boston Margy says:

    Ah, Tim Horton’s! My family is from Buffalo, New York, (although I’ve lived in Boston, MA most of my adult life). Down there the chain is called “Timmy Ho’s” and there’s one on every corner. It reminds me of a franchise place here in New England called Dunkin’ Donuts. Coffee. Donuts. Hard, plastic chairs and cheesy colors. Buy our coffee and our donuts, but please don’t make yourself comfortable.

  26. That woman should be institutionalized. It’s crazy but old folk (I’m not saying all), think they get a pass because of their age. If anything they should be a little more courteous because their lives can get snuffed out much swifter in their advanced age :)

  27. brittany220 says:

    Wow she sounds like a pain, and calling your daughter “weird”??? What the heck is her problem? Glad you don’t have to see her much, otherwise that would be tough having to put up with her all the time!

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