Image via Wikipedia
My father-in-law, God bless him, is a retired widower who, like most people his age has a daily routine he follows faithfully.
Three times a day he heads out to the local Tim Hortons coffee shop for a cup of Joe.
Of course, “local’ is a relative term when you’re talking Timmies (As we Canucks call it), considering you can find one ever few miles. They’re like stupid people in the U.S – there’s one on almost every corner!
But I kid my Yankee friends, but that’s only because you’re bigger and more powerful, so words are all I have. Besides we gave you Superman and William Shatner!
At any rate, my father-in-law has a friend he meets up with named Tim (Weird, huh?) and he and Tim are quite close.
Image via Wikipedia
The problem, (you knew there’d be one, right?) lies with Tim’s girlfriend. I have nothing against seniors dating we all get lonely, but sometimes we need top remember that our choices affect those around us as well.
Tim’s companion Jan, is a dried-up, wrinkled, half-deaf, half-blind old biddie who can drive a person to murderous rage within minutes! If the Pope met Jan, he’d schedule an exorcism within a half-hour! Here some of the highlights of spending time with her..
- She constantly asks in a loud old lady voice, “YOU’RE NOT WORKING TODAY?”
- She watches every..single..bite you eat in front of her.
- She stares at you like a deer in headlights.
- She laughs like a mental patient – and not a fun mental patient, either!
This woman isn’t just a douchebag, she’s so old, she just may be the Original Douchebag!
I don’t accompany my father-in-law on his coffee runs that often, but I’ve had one too many encounters with this she-devil for my taste. The last time, I decided enough was enough, especially after she referred to my daughter, Sarah as “weird”.
THE HOOK: Jan have you ever seen a White Light?
JAN: No, I can’t say as I have.
THE HOOK: Would you like to?
There’s something to be said for the direct approach, right?
But did she UNDERSTAND? Hehehehe…you are so bad, I LOVE it…
She had it coming! But you’re right, I’m a bad boy sometimes.
Our Tim Hortons are full of old men with nothing better to do, but they usually leave their “douchebags” at home…
I’m a little confused about this particular “douchebag”‘s name, Hook…is she “Fran” or “Jan” (just in case I ever run into her…I’ll have to run the other way!).
Wendy
I messed up, can you imagine? Thanks for alerting me to my own stupidity!
OMG! Just LMAO!!
Glad you liked it! Thanks for the visit.
LMAO
Thanks!
Ha, this totally brightened up the end of my very overworked day/night. You’re awesome.
I’m not the only one!
I thought I was the “Original”
dang!
You’re not that old..yet!
OK…3 things:
1. I resemble your anti-American remarks. Our stupid people aren’t out on street corners, they’re in Congress.
2. Superman is only half Canadian, but you did give us Shatner for which we are eternally…..in…..your…..debt.
3. A Canadian once described Tim Horton’s to me as “Like your Winchells, but with better coffee.
Great list! But how is Superman half-Canadian?
Your Wikipedia link describes him as “Created by American writer Jerry Siegel and Canadian-born American artist Joe Shuster.” This would make him half-Canadian at best…but 100% Jewish.
I guess I should have known better, huh? Thanks for setting me straight!
Don’t you remember the heritage moment? with the train!?
Er, neither do I.
Always a pleasure. Thanks for the visit.
You’ve written about Timmy’s! Oh god … I miss them terribly. Thanks for the memories.
You’re more than welcome, dear lady!
I think this is a double-double problem. Just sayin.
I trust your judgement! If you can’t trust a Mom, even an ironic one. who can you trust?
Whew!!!!! LOL! Not The Original DOUCHEBAG? I’m dying in laughter over here.
She called ur daughter weird? lol! And suddenly you turned into Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Ghost Whisperer (offering to show her the light). lol!
Whew!
My eyes are watering over here!
You got me! lol!
I’m HOOKED.
Thanks again! Always a pleasure. Your post rocked to today!
I sometimes wonder if Tim Horton’s wasn’t constructed as a sort of community center, to keep the elderly off the streets and out of trouble – without timbits and watery coffee our society might be overrun by dentured miscreants on mobility scooters.
Very true!
That was really funny…there are alot of old people that could fit that bill. My wife & step-daughter tease me all the time about being old because I’m 41 & my wife is 31. My dad is fixing to be 72 & he always sees some older people driving like crap & he tells me that if he ever gets that way to take his keys away! There are alot like what you descibed, but alot of really sweet ones too. I only 1 Grandma left living & she will be 98 this year….the sweetest old girl that you would ever meet! Great post buddy!
Thanks! Most old people are great, but it’s the exceptions that stand out.
I know about old biddies…here’s a tip, they were mean and ornery when they were younger; getting older only makes it worse–almost like they feel entitled to be old biddies!! Lead her to the light Hook!
I only wish I could!
I am a Canadian but I have never in my life called it Timmie’s or Timmy’s unless we were impersonating Timmy from South Park. We usually called it Horny Tim’s. Could explain oh so many things!!!
That woman sounds like a ripe old mean bat.
You have no idea, Woman! She’s THE ripe, old mean bat!
William Shatner is my favourite Canadian. I met him last weekend, very exciting. Celine Dion is my least favourite human being. Your country has range.
We definitely have range. I love that you hate Celine. Me too! You met Shatner? Awesome!
He spoke at a university in my city. He shook my hand, signed a photo and was pretty damn cool. He’s very proudly Canadian.
That’s true, he is a good Canadian boy. Have you ever seen his Rocket Man video?
Two things:
1. Funny as usual
2. Dude, I did a Superman blog today too. How weird?
3. You won’t find a stupid American on every corner. They tend to group together.
4. Who are you pulling for in the Stanley Cup playoffs?
1. Thanks!
2. That’s too weird for words.
3. They do group together – they’re called political parties..or boy bands.
4. Dude, I’m too busy blogging and raising a family, and serving douchebags to watch hockey.
3. They especially enjoy attending Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin rallies
4. Gasp! A Canadian who doesn’t watch hockey? But you’re obligated to fit my simple-minded stereotyping.
Whatever you say!
Well done, well done. So funny that you could make a thousand more jabs at Americans and I wouldn’t care.
And say what? Superman is Canadian? The things I learn…
Yep, two boys from Toronto created the Man of Might. The Daily Planet was first called the Daily Star after the Toronto Star, a Canadian paper.
http://www.p90x-dvd-workout.com is a home exercise system developed by Tony Horton in conjunction with Beachbody and director Mason Bendewald. It claims to improve physical fitness in 90 days through a rigorous segmented training
Why would anyone call a child, “weird”? That’s heartless. Next time, pelt her with Timbits.
Good idea! I’ll try that soon.
Here’s my list:
1. My daughter would relish being called weird (also 9 years old).
2. I’ve never EVER called it Timmy’s!
3. Jan sounds like an “interesting” lady. You should stare right back at her next time and have a contest! —-> 8P
Great list! My daughter didn’t enjoy the experience one bit. And a lot of people call it Timmy’s, but I never do either.
poor lady…i hope it nevr happens to me!
hey I giving you an award…check my blog in an hour or so!
Will do – Hey, I already did! (You gotta love the magic of the ‘net!) Thanks!
I’m sure you’re too smart for that!
Don’t do it Hook!!!! I have to admit though, old people that have not become wise and kind, but instead wizened and mean do need to take a long hard look into a bright white light and decided why they’re still here!
You’re very kind, my friend. One could argue too kind, in fact. Thanks for the visit.
haha- “canuck” lol- <3 it! I'm a yank but, I went to 3 years of bible school in Canada so, I have a special placed carved in my heart for you Canucks
and for Timmy's which has infiltrated the US so, I don't have to go on a day trip just to get a timbit;)
You’re a great Yank, that’s for sure!
thanks
You’re more than welcome!
Would you like to?
Ahahahaha. You did not. Did you really say that?
I sure did! I have my moments – some good, some bad. You decide which this was.
I was so relieved as I read on that the “original douchebag” wasn’t your father-in-law. That lady sounds awful!
P.S. Now you’ve got me wanting to stop at Tim Hortons while we’re in Canada.
They have some pretty good stuff, and some people even bring their dogs to the drive-thru! And that lady is awful!
Ah, Tim Horton’s! My family is from Buffalo, New York, (although I’ve lived in Boston, MA most of my adult life). Down there the chain is called “Timmy Ho’s” and there’s one on every corner. It reminds me of a franchise place here in New England called Dunkin’ Donuts. Coffee. Donuts. Hard, plastic chairs and cheesy colors. Buy our coffee and our donuts, but please don’t make yourself comfortable.
Tim Hortons has completely conquered the hearts, minds and stomachs of the Canadian public! They’re everywhere and even those who can’t really afford their product find a way to get it.
They have them here down in NY as well.
They’re everywhere!
That woman should be institutionalized. It’s crazy but old folk (I’m not saying all), think they get a pass because of their age. If anything they should be a little more courteous because their lives can get snuffed out much swifter in their advanced age
I’m with you. Lock her up!
Wow she sounds like a pain, and calling your daughter “weird”??? What the heck is her problem? Glad you don’t have to see her much, otherwise that would be tough having to put up with her all the time!
I try to limit my exposure to her particular brand of madness.