As All Hollows Eve is almost upon us, I thought I would share my personal nightmare; a creature so vile and terrifying, the merest mention of its name sends chills down the spines of all hotel employees. It is..the return guest. Though not just any return guest; the rudest of the rude.
Or as I like to call him, the Ultimate Douchebag.
He has earned this title, folks.
From the moment he arrives, barely acknowledging doormen and valet drivers and bypassing check-in lines, he has a mission to achieve – the cheapest rate possible, by any means necessary. He will bring cheap wine and cigars for one or two selective clerks, who will contrary to all reason, actually give in to this douchebag for a few measly gifts.
His objective achieved, the Ultimate Douchebag retires to his grossly discounted room to plot anew. Room service will be ordered and rejected, (at least twice), housekeepers will be made to deliver every extra in the industry and all employees will be treated like a squirrel beneath a Mac truck.
And tipping, like decency towards one’s fellow man, is strictly forbidden.
So great is his contempt for the modern hospitality industry that the Ultimate Douchebag will push the boundaries past the breaking point, forcing upper management to do the unthinkable and formally ban him from the property.
Trust The Hook when he tells you, this is truly the last resort. After all, hotels are in business to make money and they will tolerate pretty much anything to hit their mark. So if they ban someone, it’s deadly serious folks.
However, we’re not talking about just any hotel guest or run-of-the-mill douchebag. No, much like the undead in a Romero zombie masterpiece, this particular creature will rise from the proverbial grave in a year or two.
The Ultimate Douchebag always finds a way to return and with a new and deadly feature: adult-aged children who roam the countryside, cheap gifts in hand, expecting the same treatment!
How does one fight such pure, unadulterated evil you ask?
This creature and his spawn could be fought with convential weapons, but that could take years and cost hundreds of lives. Not to mention the fact the authorities take a dim view of such actions.
The chilling truth is this – as long as weak-willed front office staff exist, so will the Ultimate Douchebag. All you can do is find a dark, quiet place to hide until he passes by.
Until next time, Happy Halloween from The Hook. Oh, and as always, please don’t be a douchbag.